When the rain hits your face, the thunder claps louder with each strike and when the wind howls in the night, you want it all to end.
When you are sat in a storm, you want it to end. You want the rain to turn into sunshine, the hurricanes to reverse and fix all thats broken and the thunder to turn into rainbows.
When you're sat in a storm, you pray to yourself that it won't come back.
You hope and you pray that the rain turns into drizzle so it won't flood your home and you hope the lightning goes away so you aren't shocked from the sky. You hope everything goes okay and nothing hurts you, because the least you deserve is to be protected in a storm.
In the worst of storms you shut yourself away, because thats all you know. You shut yourself away to attempt to shield yourself from the dangers in the world because you want to protect yourself. Prevent risk. Prevent pain.
In a lesser storm you'll walk around with an umbrella and warmer, waterproof clothing to counteract the weather. You'll ignore the darkening clouds and hope they go away and don't affect you.
In the cloudless, blue skies it's all okay.
Your mind is a storm.
When everything is okay, your cloudless. The birds are chirping, the sun will be shining. You'll smile, wave, look forward to a new day. You'll be happy. You'll feel okay. You'll forget the times there was a storm because there isn't a point in focusing on the past when in the present you feel so happy.
When the rain starts to drizzle, you try to ignore it. You hope for clearer skies, for better days, knowing they happen and that they aren't hopefully far away. Sometimes the drizzle and grey clouds will pass and your mind is cloudless again. You can breathe. It's okay.
Other times, the darkness rolls in. You feel a weight on your shoulders as you walk under the greying sky. You feel the drizzle turn into rain and see everyone running away inside, when you can't do anything but carry on walking in the rain. You see everyone leaving even though you can't escape.
Then the thunder. The lightning. The hurricane. The tidal wave.
Then the overwhelming feelings hit you all at once like a lightening storm. You feel weak, you feel helpless. You feel as though you've been struck by lightening hundreds of times but no one will notice because everyone else is inside, protected. You feel as though your mind is a hurricane. All your irrational thoughts whirlwind in your mind, the feeling that you are worthless, unloved, don't deserve happiness, the feelings of unwantedness and the feeling of worry. They all battle with each other, but eventually turn into one large hurricane. Then the tidal wave. Then you're suddenly drowning where everyone else around you is watching you. Everyone around you is breathing and calm and okay when you feel like your lungs are about to collapse and feel like everything is going to end.
You forget a time without a storm. You think your entire life is a storm that will never end. You forget all the happy times, the sun shining and the cloudless sky. This is you. Happiness doesn't exist. You want it all to end. You want to end the storm by ending your life because you believe that it's the only way you'll be able to breathe.
Breathe.
The water slowly drains. The rain slowly stops. The lightning becomes further apart. The hurricane shrinks.
You can breathe.
The sky turns from grey to blue. The sun shines once again and everyone comes out. Or someone helps you in.
The storm passed and you made it out alive because even though at one point you couldn't breathe or see an end, all storms end.
You don't always have to live in cloudless skies.
The storm will pass.
You will be okay.
Monday 26 December 2016
Friday 9 December 2016
University and Mental Health
University is a stressful, exciting, fantastic, toxic environment to put yourself into. It's a combination of new things, constant change, work overload, late nights, petty arguments, panic, wonderful adventures and occasions where you laugh until you can't breathe. But it's an environment that will at some point manage to break even the strongest person.
University is hard enough, but going through it with any mental health issue is another thing.
Recently I've been being so much more open about my mental health. I've been (some of the time) actually talking to my friends when I'm struggling instead of sitting alone in my room and panicking until i can't physically breathe or crying until I have no tears left. I've told the people I'm close with (who I've known for probably 3 months now) about the battle I'd been facing in terms of mental health throughout my life, where it took me 6 years to tell my closest friends that something wasn't entirely okay.
But even so, university is one of the hardest things to do when you suffer from any mental health illness.
There are so many triggers in the environment of university. If I were to list the amount of possible things that can cause any symptoms to get worse then I'd probably be typing all night. It's known as it is that students are at a larger risk of experiencing a mental health problem at university, due to the stress, anxiety, panic and overwhelming nature that you experience. The rates of students committing suicide is increasing every year. More students are committing suicide because of debt.
At least one in four students have at least one diagnosable mental illness, with one in three experiencing prolonged symptoms of depression. And half of students have reported their mental health state being poor.
Yes, counselling services at (some) universities are excellent. But that's because they have to be because the amount of stress that students face throughout their time, that at one time at university everyone will feel like they can't cope anymore. Whether it be the amount of assignments, their flatmates and friends, missing their family or worrying about the future, there is something that will be a cause of concern for students.
The main issue with this however, is the fact that many people still don't know the difference between mental health and everyday emotions.
I myself, have depression and anxiety. Being told that these are only slight nerves or just having a bad day just constantly makes you feel pathetic and worthless. If it's only nerves or abit of unhappiness, why do I let it control my life?
It's different however, let me reassure you.
Depression is not being able to get out of bed or fall asleep because you are too numb, sad and tired of feeling numb and sad and tired all the time. It's not having the physical ability to do anything you need to, let alone look after yourself. It's feeling like breaking down constantly and feeling upset constantly without it any getting any better, only worse.
Anxiety isn't about being worried. It's repeating sentences in your head before saying them because you don't want people to judge you if you get it wrong. It's not wanting to sit in lectures alone because you're worried about being judged. It's hiding in your room whilst your flatmate cooks because you don't want to be around people.
It's really fucking hard.
It's a really horrible environment to be in when you aren't yourself. The amount of times I've genuinely considered dropping out in my first term already is genuinely ridiculous and worrying. The amount of times I felt like running away or doing something really stupid worries me. The amount of breakdowns, panic attacks, anger spouts and mood swings I've had in the last three months worry me.
Coming to university is one of the best choices I made but also one of the worst.
Within the first two weeks of university, I had already relapsed and thought about suicide.
And even though since then it's been getting easier, it doesn't make it any better.
Yes, as I said, the services provided at university are there. But that doesn't mean you don't feel really isolated and alone. It doesn't mean you feel like your life isn't bad enough to be suffering with mental health. It doesn't make you hate yourself everyday.
And once one thing goes wrong, everything seems to follow suit.
Once one thing goes wrong, it's hard to stop you completely spiralling and finding yourself back in a mental place you thought you would never experience again.
And before I could try and overcome the feelings myself, I was already through a bottle of wine.
Drinking at university for some, including myself at times, becomes a way of release because you are so overwhelmed by everything that you just want to drink the sorrows away. Alcohol and drugs are everywhere, so many people see them as a release for any pent up sadness and anger, when really the use of them just makes the problem even worse.
Is it really a surprise then, that student life and mental health intertwine like a perfect couple.
Subjected to stress, alcohol, change, anger, debt and deadline after deadline.
There is only one thing you should do when you feel like you're struggling.
Talk.
Talk to anyone, get it all out and seek the help you deserve.
Because university is hard at the best of times, don't let a mental health issue make it even harder for yourself.
University is hard enough, but going through it with any mental health issue is another thing.
Recently I've been being so much more open about my mental health. I've been (some of the time) actually talking to my friends when I'm struggling instead of sitting alone in my room and panicking until i can't physically breathe or crying until I have no tears left. I've told the people I'm close with (who I've known for probably 3 months now) about the battle I'd been facing in terms of mental health throughout my life, where it took me 6 years to tell my closest friends that something wasn't entirely okay.
But even so, university is one of the hardest things to do when you suffer from any mental health illness.
There are so many triggers in the environment of university. If I were to list the amount of possible things that can cause any symptoms to get worse then I'd probably be typing all night. It's known as it is that students are at a larger risk of experiencing a mental health problem at university, due to the stress, anxiety, panic and overwhelming nature that you experience. The rates of students committing suicide is increasing every year. More students are committing suicide because of debt.
At least one in four students have at least one diagnosable mental illness, with one in three experiencing prolonged symptoms of depression. And half of students have reported their mental health state being poor.
Yes, counselling services at (some) universities are excellent. But that's because they have to be because the amount of stress that students face throughout their time, that at one time at university everyone will feel like they can't cope anymore. Whether it be the amount of assignments, their flatmates and friends, missing their family or worrying about the future, there is something that will be a cause of concern for students.
The main issue with this however, is the fact that many people still don't know the difference between mental health and everyday emotions.
I myself, have depression and anxiety. Being told that these are only slight nerves or just having a bad day just constantly makes you feel pathetic and worthless. If it's only nerves or abit of unhappiness, why do I let it control my life?
It's different however, let me reassure you.
Depression is not being able to get out of bed or fall asleep because you are too numb, sad and tired of feeling numb and sad and tired all the time. It's not having the physical ability to do anything you need to, let alone look after yourself. It's feeling like breaking down constantly and feeling upset constantly without it any getting any better, only worse.
Anxiety isn't about being worried. It's repeating sentences in your head before saying them because you don't want people to judge you if you get it wrong. It's not wanting to sit in lectures alone because you're worried about being judged. It's hiding in your room whilst your flatmate cooks because you don't want to be around people.
It's really fucking hard.
It's a really horrible environment to be in when you aren't yourself. The amount of times I've genuinely considered dropping out in my first term already is genuinely ridiculous and worrying. The amount of times I felt like running away or doing something really stupid worries me. The amount of breakdowns, panic attacks, anger spouts and mood swings I've had in the last three months worry me.
Coming to university is one of the best choices I made but also one of the worst.
Within the first two weeks of university, I had already relapsed and thought about suicide.
And even though since then it's been getting easier, it doesn't make it any better.
Yes, as I said, the services provided at university are there. But that doesn't mean you don't feel really isolated and alone. It doesn't mean you feel like your life isn't bad enough to be suffering with mental health. It doesn't make you hate yourself everyday.
And once one thing goes wrong, everything seems to follow suit.
Once one thing goes wrong, it's hard to stop you completely spiralling and finding yourself back in a mental place you thought you would never experience again.
And before I could try and overcome the feelings myself, I was already through a bottle of wine.
Drinking at university for some, including myself at times, becomes a way of release because you are so overwhelmed by everything that you just want to drink the sorrows away. Alcohol and drugs are everywhere, so many people see them as a release for any pent up sadness and anger, when really the use of them just makes the problem even worse.
Is it really a surprise then, that student life and mental health intertwine like a perfect couple.
Subjected to stress, alcohol, change, anger, debt and deadline after deadline.
There is only one thing you should do when you feel like you're struggling.
Talk.
Talk to anyone, get it all out and seek the help you deserve.
Because university is hard at the best of times, don't let a mental health issue make it even harder for yourself.
Wednesday 16 November 2016
Grief
I found this post very hard to write. After many drafts and many hours thinking about what to say, I found myself deleting and redrafting my word because nothing I can say would come close to summing up how I feel.
It is a feeling that up until very recently I never had to feel, and although for that I am grateful, it meant I never really new what was normal to feel and how to cope with the emotions and thoughts that wouldn't leave my mind.
It is a feeling that unfortunately I knew I would have to deal with eventually and I knew would be far from easy, but no words and no amount of preparation could take away the feeling of loss, numbness, sadness and emptiness I would feel.
Grief.
The loss of someone you love and care about is a concept that my mind couldn't comprehend. I couldn't comprehend the news that you had suddenly passed away as I was standing on the phone with my mum crying on the other side of the line. I couldn't comprehend the news as I felt like collapsing to the floor because of the overwhelming emotion that I'd never felt before whilst being asked loads of questions that I couldn't find an answer to.
Grief.
I couldn't comprehend the news as I woke up the next morning and all I felt was numbness and sadness as I tried to continue my everyday life with a smile on my face, when in reality all I wanted to o was cry my eyes out and scream until I physically couldn't anymore.
Grief.
I couldn't bare to see my family in the state they were then and are now. I couldn't bare to see my mum cry or hear my parents talking about writing wills because they were so scared that you had gone and that they were already discussing how to make our lives easier when the dreaded day came that one of them leaves us.
Grief.
The hardest part by far though was when it finally sunk in that I would never hear your voice again or see the guy that I looked up to my whole life again and there was nothing I could do about it. I would never see the person that brought me to my love of so many things and the person who I love unconditionally and the person who in many ways made me the person I am today. I would never be able to mock you when your favourite football team lost again and I could never play the games we both loved to play anymore and there was nothing I could do about it.
Grief is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.
With every other emotion and situation you go through there are some resolutions. Sadness, anger, jealousy, fear and all those surrounding emotions usually go away and can be replaced with a better, more positive feeling at some point.
But with grief there is no possible way of getting that person back. Grief is different because no matter what you do it will always be there and will always be painful even if you try to mask it with another emotion.
And grief can really fuck up your emotions.
Grief leads to bouts of anxiety, bouts of fear and bouts of delusion from all the sleepless nights and the lack of energy to do anything because you're so numb from the pain and theres nothing you can do about it.
Grief never goes away.
Grief is there hounding you when you're alone with your thoughts and grief won't leave your mind when any word associated with the person you lost comes up in any conversation or anything written or anything in public.
Grief.
It's something I never thought I'd deal with so soon and I never thought it would be you.
And the worst part of the suddenness is that I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell you that I love you one more time and that you were one of the best people I knew and will ever know even if you weren't always on my mind.
The last thing I told you was that I'd see you later, not knowing that I'd never see you again.
And it's hard.
And all I can do is try and move on and live my life as normally as I can without you in it, even though I will spend every day of my life missing you with all my heart, soul and body.
I love you.
Sleep tight.
It is a feeling that up until very recently I never had to feel, and although for that I am grateful, it meant I never really new what was normal to feel and how to cope with the emotions and thoughts that wouldn't leave my mind.
It is a feeling that unfortunately I knew I would have to deal with eventually and I knew would be far from easy, but no words and no amount of preparation could take away the feeling of loss, numbness, sadness and emptiness I would feel.
Grief.
The loss of someone you love and care about is a concept that my mind couldn't comprehend. I couldn't comprehend the news that you had suddenly passed away as I was standing on the phone with my mum crying on the other side of the line. I couldn't comprehend the news as I felt like collapsing to the floor because of the overwhelming emotion that I'd never felt before whilst being asked loads of questions that I couldn't find an answer to.
Grief.
I couldn't comprehend the news as I woke up the next morning and all I felt was numbness and sadness as I tried to continue my everyday life with a smile on my face, when in reality all I wanted to o was cry my eyes out and scream until I physically couldn't anymore.
Grief.
I couldn't bare to see my family in the state they were then and are now. I couldn't bare to see my mum cry or hear my parents talking about writing wills because they were so scared that you had gone and that they were already discussing how to make our lives easier when the dreaded day came that one of them leaves us.
Grief.
The hardest part by far though was when it finally sunk in that I would never hear your voice again or see the guy that I looked up to my whole life again and there was nothing I could do about it. I would never see the person that brought me to my love of so many things and the person who I love unconditionally and the person who in many ways made me the person I am today. I would never be able to mock you when your favourite football team lost again and I could never play the games we both loved to play anymore and there was nothing I could do about it.
Grief is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.
With every other emotion and situation you go through there are some resolutions. Sadness, anger, jealousy, fear and all those surrounding emotions usually go away and can be replaced with a better, more positive feeling at some point.
But with grief there is no possible way of getting that person back. Grief is different because no matter what you do it will always be there and will always be painful even if you try to mask it with another emotion.
And grief can really fuck up your emotions.
Grief leads to bouts of anxiety, bouts of fear and bouts of delusion from all the sleepless nights and the lack of energy to do anything because you're so numb from the pain and theres nothing you can do about it.
Grief never goes away.
Grief is there hounding you when you're alone with your thoughts and grief won't leave your mind when any word associated with the person you lost comes up in any conversation or anything written or anything in public.
Grief.
It's something I never thought I'd deal with so soon and I never thought it would be you.
And the worst part of the suddenness is that I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell you that I love you one more time and that you were one of the best people I knew and will ever know even if you weren't always on my mind.
The last thing I told you was that I'd see you later, not knowing that I'd never see you again.
And it's hard.
And all I can do is try and move on and live my life as normally as I can without you in it, even though I will spend every day of my life missing you with all my heart, soul and body.
I love you.
Sleep tight.
Monday 24 October 2016
Why I Pretend I'm Happy (And Why You Shouldn't)
True happiness isn't an always an option.
I know when I wake up that the chances are I will have a shitty day which will then lead to some sort of mood crash, panic attack or breakdown.
All whilst I wear a smile.
Because even though happiness isn't an option, anything but is an inconvenience.
So i just pretend.
I pretend that my mental health is in one piece. I pretend that I have no family problems at home. I pretend that I didn't have a rough night and thats why I'm so tired.
I pretend I'm okay, because it's how I have been told I need to be.
Because when I say anything different no one cares about me.
When I tell you I'm feeling really depressed, you tell me I'm lying and nothings wrong.
But when I tell you I feel happy you believe me and are happy too.
Why do you believe my happiness but not my sadness?
We live in a society where happiness is easier for a person to deal with. We are a race who are so selfish that we don't care when a person feels like ending their life, but we are overjoyed when a person is in a good mood.
So it's easier to wear a mask.
I pretend I'm happy to make your life easier.
I lie to you.
When I tell you I'm doing okay I'm really sat in my bathroom crying my eyes out because I can't deal with the thought of being alive.
When I tell you I'm feeling well, I'm really sat in bed unable to get up because I physically cannot face the day ahead of me.
I lie to you.
I'll put your happiness above mine because I believe that you have a chance in life to make this world a better place and I put your happiness above mine because your smile is as warm as the sun on a hot summers day.
I'll fake a smile because its honestly easier that way.
I'll fake a smile when you insult me "as a joke" then wonder why I've suddenly gone very quiet and reserved.
I'll fake a smile when I feel like I can't breathe in a public place because its so much easier to lie and be fine than it is to open up and ask for help.
It's easier to pretend you're happy, but it fucks you up in the long term.
It gets to the point where pretending to be happy is second nature and that everyone things that everything is so okay that you saying any different would be an attention seeking lie.
And it'd be easier to fake a smile than to tell you for the last 7/8 years of my life I'd been lying to you, and the person you know isn't the person I am.
Easier doesn't mean the best.
Years of pretending turns into a truth where you put everyones problems no matter how small above the demons tormenting you from the inside that are slowly but surely driving you to madness or something more extreme.
True happiness isn't always an option.
But when it isn't, fake happiness shouldn't be an option either.
I may pretend to be happy, but you really shouldn't.
Monday 10 October 2016
Lets Get it Out There, Lets Normalize Mental Health
We need to talk about mental health like we talk about our physical health, whatever it takes.
So lets get it out there.
For many, many years of my life, I've been living with depression and anxiety and for the majority of these years it's been a case of me not even realising that the feelings I had weren't normal. I've been at a place in my life on multiple occasions where I've thought that ending my life would be the easiest way out. I've self harmed, stayed clean for long periods of time and relapsed again. I've had panic attacks to the point I couldn't physically breathe at 1am in the morning and I've had mood swings so strong that I've been told I have anger issues or I feel like I've shut down and all thats left is a numb ache.
And now, I'm trying to normalise it.
I'm starting to use the actual reasons that I can't go out with people or the reason I suddenly had to leave my friends with little warning. I would tell people that I was suddenly feeling really anxious instead of saying that I had a headache or felt sick. I will tell people that I'm tired because of really shitty insomnia instead of being tired because I "went to bed late."
The best part is that now the majority of people would understand and go out of their way to make sure I'm feeling okay. The majority of people would constantly ask if I'm feeling okay, after they know something may have triggered me or something has happened and my mood had completely changed.
If 5 years ago I told someone that I couldn't go to school because I didn't have the will or energy to get out of bed, I'd have been told to get up and that there isn't anything wrong with me.
If 5 years ago I told a friend that I was feeling down, they would just tell me I'm being silly and I should just "be happy" like it was that easy.
If 5 years ago I told anyone I was suffering with depression or anxiety, they would tell me I was lying to them.
But now thats not the case.
So it's out there, but lets get it out some more.
Because one in four people in the UK will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life. Nearly 9/100 people will experience mixed anxiety and depression, 3/100 will experience PTSD, 5/100 anxiety. And alone those numbers may not sound huge, but once you start adding all of the mental health statistics together it gets a whole lot more real.
And although these mental health problems can't be prevented, talking about it and promoting speaking out to end the stigma for mental health can make it a whole lot easier to recover and not let your illness control you with a little bit of help.
Don't wait. If something isn't right the go get the help you deserve and need.
Don't leave it until you're crying in your bathroom at 3am and debating overdosing to end the pain.
Don't leave it until you feel controlled by anxiety.
Don't leave it until its too late.
The longer you leave it the worse it gets.
The longer you leave it, the less you feel like you can speak out.
Sitting in silence is one of the biggest mistake you can make, because all it does it worsen your illness to the point it becomes a normality for you to cope and live with it. It's not normal and you shouldn't live your life battling a demon alone. It's not fucking normal.
Don't do what thousands and thousands of people, including myself, have done and stay in the dark so long that you think the only light may come in the thought of ending your life.
You are worth so much more, and you are stronger than you think you are.
You continue to sleep and breathe and live your life normally even though you're battling an enemy, which automatically makes you stronger than anything your mind tells you.
Everything will be okay.
So lets talk.
Lets not be shy to tell our friends and family that something isn't okay in your mind and you need some help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Call your doctor, talk to someone you trust, even if its just to help you in that moment in time to stop doing something you may regret. Tell people the things that may trigger you so they know what to watch out for, tell people how you may act when you're having an episode or a mood change.
Lets break the taboo and stigma once and for all, it's already half broken anyway.
And hopefully one day, we'll be living in a world that mental illness is viewed in the exact same way as a physical illness, because thats what it deserves.
#WMHD
SUPPORT HOTLINES :
(USA) http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(OUTSIDE THE USA): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
MORE INFORMATION:
NHS WEBSITE: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
MIND UK: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V9RyJ1dlnVo
CALM: www.thecalmzone.net
SAMARITANS: www.samaritans.org
HELP GUIDE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
CHILDLINE: https://www.childline.org.uk
YOUNG MINDS: http://www.youngminds.org.uk
TIME TO CHANGE: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk
MOVEMENTS/PROGAMS:
TWLOHA: @twolha (twitter/ig/tumblr) / https://twloha.com
BUDDY PROJECT: https://twitter.com/ProjectBuddy
SANE: http://www.sane.org.uk
MGMH: http://www.globalmentalhealth.org
(USA) http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(OUTSIDE THE USA): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
MORE INFORMATION:
NHS WEBSITE: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
MIND UK: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V9RyJ1dlnVo
CALM: www.thecalmzone.net
SAMARITANS: www.samaritans.org
HELP GUIDE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
CHILDLINE: https://www.childline.org.uk
YOUNG MINDS: http://www.youngminds.org.uk
TIME TO CHANGE: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk
MOVEMENTS/PROGAMS:
TWLOHA: @twolha (twitter/ig/tumblr) / https://twloha.com
BUDDY PROJECT: https://twitter.com/ProjectBuddy
SANE: http://www.sane.org.uk
MGMH: http://www.globalmentalhealth.org
Saturday 10 September 2016
Please Stay Alive (WSPD 2016)
Once every 40 seconds, a person commits suicide.
Currently in England, female suicide rates are at their highest in 11 years.
Men are 3-4 times more likely to attempt suicide and succeed than women.
Suicide is the 3rd leading cause in death for those aged between 15-24.
Suicide.
As with every mental health illness under the sun, the stigma associated with suicide is one of the main reasons that keep people suffering with these thoughts in a dark they think they can never escape.
For some pathetic reason, people think suicide is a sign of weakness and a cry for attention. When it is nothing, absolutely nothing like that. But these people don't understand what it's like to have thoughts of suicide and could never understand what it's like to feel so alone, unhappy, hated, unwanted and sad that suicide is a real option.
Being in a state of mind where you believe that committing suicide is your only option to rid your life of the unhappiness, the numbness and the pain that you feel on a daily basis, is a horrible state of mind to be in. No words I can say can describe the awfulness of the state or even come close to be able to justify it. The feeling of loneliness and the feeling that people would be happier if you stopped breathing, along with the feeling of numbness and nothing at all.
It's knowing that there are people in the world that would be broken by your suicide and still thinking about it even so because you are so sure that you have no other options to rid yourself of the pain.
And the knowledge that you would hurt all the people who love you makes you hate yourself even more because you believe you're the worst person in the entire world when all you want to do it stop all the pain, anger and sorrow thats building up and needs to burst.
It's something I would never wish on anyone, even if they were the person i hated most in the world. It's something that is so evil that it doesn't just take away any happiness, it takes away you're personality and anything you used to be. You're so busy trying to combat this evil that you lose yourself in the process and it's so hard to rebuild at the end.
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Because you are not alone.
Yes, it's so fucking hard to talk and find the help that you need to combat these thoughts. These feelings that aren't normal or beautiful or anything but pure pure evil. No one will hate you for speaking out. There is nothing wrong with admitting you need some help, everybody needs some sort of help sometimes.
You deserve to find the support you need to recover and to get the support you need to guide you to a place where everything feels okay again.
Find help. Find the support you need.
Don't be afraid.
You are not beyond help. You are not unfixable. You are a wonderful human being.
These feelings can be so overwhelming, I know.
I know what it feels like to close your eyes and hope you won't wake up the following morning. I know how it feels to feel like everything would be better off without you and to feel like the only way to stop the never-ending pain is to end your life. I know how it feels to be sat with thoughts of suicide alone in the dark with no one to ease the pain. I know how it feels to have given up. I know what it feels like to be sat with a handful of pills at 3 in the morning and talk yourself out of swallowing them and instead throwing them away.
You may feel like anyone you wish to confine in will hate you for these thoughts, be angry and refuse to help you, but they won't. They will be there with open arms, wanting to help a person they love get better.
That one step to recovery is the hardest, biggest and best step you will ever make.
The journey of recovery will be hard. It will take time and it will be full of ups and downs, but slowly yet surely, the negative thoughts of ending your life will fade away and you will start to feel a happiness again that you had been wanting and needing for a long time. You will in time kick mental health in the butt and win, being a better, stronger and happier person as a result.
You are strong. Beautiful. Amazing.
You are needed in this world.
And if you leave now, you will never experience your firsts, your spontaneous adventures, you will never create new amazing memories with those you love, you will never be able to experience lifes enjoyments and most importantly, you will never have the chance of ever getting better.
Suicide doesn't end the awful feelings, it just stops the chances of everything getting better.
"Stay alive, not just for today but for tomorrow too"
Because once every 40 seconds someone commits suicide, please don't let that be you.
//
If you are ever feeling suicidal or believe you are suffering from any form of mental illness, don't be afraid to ask for help. Whether this be today, tomorrow, in a years time or in 20 years time, always get the help you need.
For more information, for help or for instant help or support, follow these links:
SUPPORT HOTLINES :
(USA) http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(OUTSIDE THE USA): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
MORE INFORMATION:
NHS WEBSITE: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
MIND UK: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V9RyJ1dlnVo
CALM: www.thecalmzone.net
SAMARITANS: www.samaritans.org
HELP GUIDE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
CHILDLINE: https://www.childline.org.uk
YOUNG MINDS: http://www.youngminds.org.uk
TIME TO CHANGE: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk
MOVEMENTS/PROGAMS:
TWLOHA: @twolha (twitter/ig/tumblr) / https://twloha.com
BUDDY PROJECT: https://twitter.com/ProjectBuddy
SANE: http://www.sane.org.uk
MGMH: http://www.globalmentalhealth.org
Currently in England, female suicide rates are at their highest in 11 years.
Men are 3-4 times more likely to attempt suicide and succeed than women.
Suicide is the 3rd leading cause in death for those aged between 15-24.
Suicide.
As with every mental health illness under the sun, the stigma associated with suicide is one of the main reasons that keep people suffering with these thoughts in a dark they think they can never escape.
For some pathetic reason, people think suicide is a sign of weakness and a cry for attention. When it is nothing, absolutely nothing like that. But these people don't understand what it's like to have thoughts of suicide and could never understand what it's like to feel so alone, unhappy, hated, unwanted and sad that suicide is a real option.
Being in a state of mind where you believe that committing suicide is your only option to rid your life of the unhappiness, the numbness and the pain that you feel on a daily basis, is a horrible state of mind to be in. No words I can say can describe the awfulness of the state or even come close to be able to justify it. The feeling of loneliness and the feeling that people would be happier if you stopped breathing, along with the feeling of numbness and nothing at all.
It's knowing that there are people in the world that would be broken by your suicide and still thinking about it even so because you are so sure that you have no other options to rid yourself of the pain.
And the knowledge that you would hurt all the people who love you makes you hate yourself even more because you believe you're the worst person in the entire world when all you want to do it stop all the pain, anger and sorrow thats building up and needs to burst.
It's something I would never wish on anyone, even if they were the person i hated most in the world. It's something that is so evil that it doesn't just take away any happiness, it takes away you're personality and anything you used to be. You're so busy trying to combat this evil that you lose yourself in the process and it's so hard to rebuild at the end.
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Because you are not alone.
Yes, it's so fucking hard to talk and find the help that you need to combat these thoughts. These feelings that aren't normal or beautiful or anything but pure pure evil. No one will hate you for speaking out. There is nothing wrong with admitting you need some help, everybody needs some sort of help sometimes.
You deserve to find the support you need to recover and to get the support you need to guide you to a place where everything feels okay again.
Find help. Find the support you need.
Don't be afraid.
You are not beyond help. You are not unfixable. You are a wonderful human being.
These feelings can be so overwhelming, I know.
I know what it feels like to close your eyes and hope you won't wake up the following morning. I know how it feels to feel like everything would be better off without you and to feel like the only way to stop the never-ending pain is to end your life. I know how it feels to be sat with thoughts of suicide alone in the dark with no one to ease the pain. I know how it feels to have given up. I know what it feels like to be sat with a handful of pills at 3 in the morning and talk yourself out of swallowing them and instead throwing them away.
You may feel like anyone you wish to confine in will hate you for these thoughts, be angry and refuse to help you, but they won't. They will be there with open arms, wanting to help a person they love get better.
That one step to recovery is the hardest, biggest and best step you will ever make.
The journey of recovery will be hard. It will take time and it will be full of ups and downs, but slowly yet surely, the negative thoughts of ending your life will fade away and you will start to feel a happiness again that you had been wanting and needing for a long time. You will in time kick mental health in the butt and win, being a better, stronger and happier person as a result.
You are strong. Beautiful. Amazing.
You are needed in this world.
And if you leave now, you will never experience your firsts, your spontaneous adventures, you will never create new amazing memories with those you love, you will never be able to experience lifes enjoyments and most importantly, you will never have the chance of ever getting better.
Suicide doesn't end the awful feelings, it just stops the chances of everything getting better.
"Stay alive, not just for today but for tomorrow too"
Because once every 40 seconds someone commits suicide, please don't let that be you.
//
If you are ever feeling suicidal or believe you are suffering from any form of mental illness, don't be afraid to ask for help. Whether this be today, tomorrow, in a years time or in 20 years time, always get the help you need.
For more information, for help or for instant help or support, follow these links:
SUPPORT HOTLINES :
(USA) http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(OUTSIDE THE USA): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
MORE INFORMATION:
NHS WEBSITE: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
MIND UK: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V9RyJ1dlnVo
CALM: www.thecalmzone.net
SAMARITANS: www.samaritans.org
HELP GUIDE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
CHILDLINE: https://www.childline.org.uk
YOUNG MINDS: http://www.youngminds.org.uk
TIME TO CHANGE: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk
MOVEMENTS/PROGAMS:
TWLOHA: @twolha (twitter/ig/tumblr) / https://twloha.com
BUDDY PROJECT: https://twitter.com/ProjectBuddy
SANE: http://www.sane.org.uk
MGMH: http://www.globalmentalhealth.org
Monday 22 August 2016
Dear The Person Struggling Right Now.
Dear The Person Reading This, The Person Struggling Right Now.
There are many things today, I wish I could say to you. And there are many things I wish I could do for you.
For one, I would take away all the pain and heartbreak you wish to rid of, to make your life an easier ride. I would take all the negative from your life and turn them into something that you can deal with, without feeling the pain you do today.
These, and many other things, however I cannot do for you.
But there are things I can do today.
I can reassure you that soon, it'll all be okay.
I can promise you that you can keep on going another minute, hour and day.
I can tell you with all my heart that I love you.
Okay, that may not be the best form of help in the world, trust me I know what you're going through right now, heck I still go through it now myself.
And because of this, I know that one thing I can't tell you is that I understand what you're going through. Because we all go through it differently, and everyone tells you that they understand you and can help you, when really you know that they don't understand the feelings of loneliness, helplessness and unhappiness you feel on a daily basis or the thoughts in your head that won't go away. Or why you struggle to sleep at night or why one name or one person breaks your heart so much that it pushes you to a point of unhappiness you can't control. I cannot understand the reason for your pain, frankly because the only person who lived the pain is you in your own way.
I can't tell you so many things, including what you will be doing tomorrow or in 3 years time. I cannot tell you that everything will be okay in a few years time or when you'll meet that one special person.
I can't tell you things you probably need to hear. I can't tell you what will happen if you decide you can't live another moment of your life, or how people around you will react.
I can however, tell you what you will miss.
You'll miss seeing the stars lighting up the night sky and the beauty of the sun as it rises and falls.
You'll miss eating your favourite meal again or drinking your favourite drink.
You'll miss learning new information that may change the way you look at the world.
You'll miss the rush you get from doing your favourite sport or activity or from watching your favourite musical act live for the first time.
You'll miss the late night talks with a friend, a parent, someone you love and the staying out until 4am laughing until you cry.
You'll miss the feeling of fresh bedsheets on your bed, or wearing a new outfit for the first time.
You'll miss opening a letter or email or text, delivering the happy news that will make your life feel better for whatever reason.
You'll miss the random acts of kindness from strangers you cross paths with.
You'll miss meeting that one person who gives you butterflies in your stomach, excitement in your heart and confusion in your brain because they give you feelings no one in the world has ever made you feel.
Right now you may be struggling. Right now, you may feel like everything just has to end and that you cannot bare life another day. And no one may have told you today, but I will right now, you can totally fucking do this, and you will totally smash every obsticle life throws at you.
And I am totally there for you cheering you on. I'm there as a person you may never meet but as a person who loves you nonetheless, and even though I have never met you and may never meet you, I promise you that you are a pretty awesome person who the world will miss entirely if you leave.
I know, right now, it all really hurts.
I know you are in a bunch of pain that you don't know how to get rid of.
I know its all too much, right now.
But thats it isn't it, all of this is just right now.
And now, it might be unbearable, but in a few hours time it might be okay. In a few days time, everything might just slot into place and you may be able to start getting better. In 2 years time, you may be a completely different, happier person.
I know, I can't tell you for definite because I don't know, but really can you afford to miss those moments?
I love you. Please stay.
From Me, The Person Who Is Struggling Too.
Wednesday 6 July 2016
An Apology From My Mental Health
The other night when I was sat in my room, feeling emotionally overwhelmed and wondering when all this shittiness would go away, I found myself constantly apologising to my friends for no apparent reason because I had convinced myself that I was being a nuisance to my friends even though that apology was the only thing i'd sent to them that day.
It made me wonder, am I really used to being a burden to people because of my mental health that I find myself apologising before I do anything worthy of one?
yes.
The comments about mental health you see everyday make me feel sick to my stomach. You know the ones, saying that they aren't real illnesses and that its "just a bad day not a bad life." The ones where you make me feel so fucking stupid and pathetic for the fact that some days its physically too much of a task to get out of bed.
But I get how much of an inconvience these feelings are to you.
I get that my feelings aren't as important as yours, aren't as significant, aren't valid.
I'm sorry I have to cancel plans, or I have to rant at you or even talk to you and cling to you because I don't want to be alone. I'm sorry I'm "ruining your mood"'or "not trying" anymore.
I'm sorry that I have to call or text you when I'm having or about to have panic attacks or when I have to text you when I can't control the overwhelming urge to do something stupid or to even stop the thought.
I'm sorry okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I have to live everyday battling with my own mind trying to tell myself that it'll all be okay
I'm sorry that I have to constantly be overhwelmed by small little things that are so easy for you to do but feel like a mountain climb to me.
I'm sorry that I cry myself to sleep or talk myself out of stupid actions until i eventually fall asleep, knowing when I wake up I have to deal with it all over again.
I'm sorry my mental illness is such a burden on you.
I get it, though. I understand that I haven't told you about my illness so you aren't aware that anythings wrong. I understand that I haven't told you that your jokes about "killing yourself because your internets gone down" make me feel so shitty about my life because I haven't told you its an issue I deal with more frequently than I admit to myself. I get that you aren't really affected by mental health on this scale so don't understand what its like.
But it doesn't make it easier for me.
It doesn't make my self inflicting thoughts easier to deal with when you complain about my sadness and emotional state annoying you. It makes it worse.
I know there is nothing I can say to make it any easier for you.
I know its pretty shitty, i get it.
I know its annoying and pretty pathetic of me.
But I don't have a choice.
I can't click my finger and make my thoughts just go away, I really wish I could.
Heck, I wish I could make myself be able to combat my emotions and tell myself it will be okay.
But I can't.
I can't stop the sadness, the anxiety, the mood swings, the thoughts, the behaviour, the denial, the chaneling of my emotions, the panic attacks, the distress.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
I wish i didn't have a reason to apologise, but you want and deserve one right?
It made me wonder, am I really used to being a burden to people because of my mental health that I find myself apologising before I do anything worthy of one?
yes.
The comments about mental health you see everyday make me feel sick to my stomach. You know the ones, saying that they aren't real illnesses and that its "just a bad day not a bad life." The ones where you make me feel so fucking stupid and pathetic for the fact that some days its physically too much of a task to get out of bed.
But I get how much of an inconvience these feelings are to you.
I get that my feelings aren't as important as yours, aren't as significant, aren't valid.
I'm sorry I have to cancel plans, or I have to rant at you or even talk to you and cling to you because I don't want to be alone. I'm sorry I'm "ruining your mood"'or "not trying" anymore.
I'm sorry that I have to call or text you when I'm having or about to have panic attacks or when I have to text you when I can't control the overwhelming urge to do something stupid or to even stop the thought.
I'm sorry okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I have to live everyday battling with my own mind trying to tell myself that it'll all be okay
I'm sorry that I have to constantly be overhwelmed by small little things that are so easy for you to do but feel like a mountain climb to me.
I'm sorry that I cry myself to sleep or talk myself out of stupid actions until i eventually fall asleep, knowing when I wake up I have to deal with it all over again.
I'm sorry my mental illness is such a burden on you.
I get it, though. I understand that I haven't told you about my illness so you aren't aware that anythings wrong. I understand that I haven't told you that your jokes about "killing yourself because your internets gone down" make me feel so shitty about my life because I haven't told you its an issue I deal with more frequently than I admit to myself. I get that you aren't really affected by mental health on this scale so don't understand what its like.
But it doesn't make it easier for me.
It doesn't make my self inflicting thoughts easier to deal with when you complain about my sadness and emotional state annoying you. It makes it worse.
I know there is nothing I can say to make it any easier for you.
I know its pretty shitty, i get it.
I know its annoying and pretty pathetic of me.
But I don't have a choice.
I can't click my finger and make my thoughts just go away, I really wish I could.
Heck, I wish I could make myself be able to combat my emotions and tell myself it will be okay.
But I can't.
I can't stop the sadness, the anxiety, the mood swings, the thoughts, the behaviour, the denial, the chaneling of my emotions, the panic attacks, the distress.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
I wish i didn't have a reason to apologise, but you want and deserve one right?
Tuesday 14 June 2016
"But We Will Win"
I am currently devastated.
I am currently in shock.
I am currently broken.
The discrimination faced everyday the LGBT+ community has to face disgusts me.
It's bad enough that my friend is spat at at work for being gay. It's bad enough that a trans person I've met was thrown out of his home because he was indeed transexual. It's bad enough that my friend can't hold her girlfriends hand in public because of the comments that people have made when seeing them. Heck, it's bad enough that people have cut me out of their lives because of my sexuality. It's bad enough that homosexuality is still illegal in many places of society (and gay marriage has only just been made legal in all American states.)
But the Orlando massacre was different.
I thought that society was bad enough as it was, discriminating our community for our sexualities (which as well as being bloody wonderful for us, are uncontrollable) but the murder of over 50 and the injury of many more in a Gay night club sickens me to the point where I can't physically describe the feelings because there are no words that can portray my disgust and outrage.
The fact that these beautiful, unique, happy people were taken from this world because one man decided that the person they loved/were attracted to is a valid reason for their lives to be taken away.
Why would you rather see two men holding guns than holding hands???
WHY is homosexuality such a "sin" but murder is okay?
The phobia in this world towards LGBT+ groups is so apparent, cruel and disgusting yet so many still deny its existance. They still deny the existance, when over one third of LGBT+ people have experienced bullying because of their sexuality in a school/college. When people who identify as LGBT are less likely to get a job than those of a hetrosexual identity. When LGBT people are 3 times more likely to experience depression and/or suicidal thoughts.
But why?
Why in todays society are some people so desperatly against anything but hetrosexual relationships that they go to such vile extremes?
Why are there still such pathetic discrimatory measures in everyday life, especially in regards of health care?
Why are hate crimes towards members of the LGBT community so fucking common in society?
Why does my love affect you SO much that you don't deem me worthy to live?
I just don't understand how the person I want to spent my life with affects you.
I'm not forcing you to be a part of the relationship. Me kissing a girl won't make you attracted to the same sex either. I'm just a young person in love. And love is love.
Love is love when a 17 year old is dating a 30 year old.
Love is love when a rich man is dating a poor woman.
Love is love when a white person marries a black.
So why don't you think love is love when it's a same sex couple?
But this attack wasn't one on just our community, it was an attack on us as a whole.
And anyway, your plan failed.
Because why you may have stopped us for a second. Why we may mourn now, why we may live the week in shock and why we will always remember this attack and the victims will always remain in our thoughts.
We will carry on.
We will continue to fall in love, we will continue to go to gay bars. We will continue to kiss our girlfriends or boyfriends in the streets, we will continue to marry the one we love even if you do not approve.
We are united.
Why we as a community has been brought together from your selfish thoughts and actions, you have lost everything.
And yes, we will experience this again.
I will continue to get shouted abuse at for my sexuality. My friend will still be spat at when working because of his. A young child will continue to be bullied in school for being gay and a transexual will continue to be assaulted for their identity. An asexual will continue to be called "abnormal" for their sexuality. A pansexual will still be told their sexuality simply doesn't exist and they are just seeking attention. We will continue to be attacked by those whose minds can't fathom that we live in a world where these relationships are okay.
But we will stand strong. We won't hide our identities in fear.
We will win, and you will lose.
And one day we will live in a society where "coming out" won't even exist, because there will be complete acceptance and normality of members of the LGBT+ community that it will be as common to hear as saying "oh I like football" or "I am 5"9." That day may not be today.
But we will win.
More Information:
https://lgbt.foundation
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-36520620
https://internationalspectrum.umich.edu/life/definitions
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/sexual-identity/Pages/Sexual-Orientation.aspx
https://www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/advice-and-guidance/sexual-orientation-discrimination
I am currently in shock.
I am currently broken.
The discrimination faced everyday the LGBT+ community has to face disgusts me.
It's bad enough that my friend is spat at at work for being gay. It's bad enough that a trans person I've met was thrown out of his home because he was indeed transexual. It's bad enough that my friend can't hold her girlfriends hand in public because of the comments that people have made when seeing them. Heck, it's bad enough that people have cut me out of their lives because of my sexuality. It's bad enough that homosexuality is still illegal in many places of society (and gay marriage has only just been made legal in all American states.)
But the Orlando massacre was different.
I thought that society was bad enough as it was, discriminating our community for our sexualities (which as well as being bloody wonderful for us, are uncontrollable) but the murder of over 50 and the injury of many more in a Gay night club sickens me to the point where I can't physically describe the feelings because there are no words that can portray my disgust and outrage.
The fact that these beautiful, unique, happy people were taken from this world because one man decided that the person they loved/were attracted to is a valid reason for their lives to be taken away.
Why would you rather see two men holding guns than holding hands???
WHY is homosexuality such a "sin" but murder is okay?
The phobia in this world towards LGBT+ groups is so apparent, cruel and disgusting yet so many still deny its existance. They still deny the existance, when over one third of LGBT+ people have experienced bullying because of their sexuality in a school/college. When people who identify as LGBT are less likely to get a job than those of a hetrosexual identity. When LGBT people are 3 times more likely to experience depression and/or suicidal thoughts.
But why?
Why in todays society are some people so desperatly against anything but hetrosexual relationships that they go to such vile extremes?
Why are there still such pathetic discrimatory measures in everyday life, especially in regards of health care?
Why are hate crimes towards members of the LGBT community so fucking common in society?
Why does my love affect you SO much that you don't deem me worthy to live?
I just don't understand how the person I want to spent my life with affects you.
I'm not forcing you to be a part of the relationship. Me kissing a girl won't make you attracted to the same sex either. I'm just a young person in love. And love is love.
Love is love when a 17 year old is dating a 30 year old.
Love is love when a rich man is dating a poor woman.
Love is love when a white person marries a black.
So why don't you think love is love when it's a same sex couple?
But this attack wasn't one on just our community, it was an attack on us as a whole.
And anyway, your plan failed.
Because why you may have stopped us for a second. Why we may mourn now, why we may live the week in shock and why we will always remember this attack and the victims will always remain in our thoughts.
We will carry on.
We will continue to fall in love, we will continue to go to gay bars. We will continue to kiss our girlfriends or boyfriends in the streets, we will continue to marry the one we love even if you do not approve.
We are united.
Why we as a community has been brought together from your selfish thoughts and actions, you have lost everything.
And yes, we will experience this again.
I will continue to get shouted abuse at for my sexuality. My friend will still be spat at when working because of his. A young child will continue to be bullied in school for being gay and a transexual will continue to be assaulted for their identity. An asexual will continue to be called "abnormal" for their sexuality. A pansexual will still be told their sexuality simply doesn't exist and they are just seeking attention. We will continue to be attacked by those whose minds can't fathom that we live in a world where these relationships are okay.
But we will stand strong. We won't hide our identities in fear.
We will win, and you will lose.
And one day we will live in a society where "coming out" won't even exist, because there will be complete acceptance and normality of members of the LGBT+ community that it will be as common to hear as saying "oh I like football" or "I am 5"9." That day may not be today.
But we will win.
More Information:
https://lgbt.foundation
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-36520620
https://internationalspectrum.umich.edu/life/definitions
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/sexual-identity/Pages/Sexual-Orientation.aspx
https://www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/advice-and-guidance/sexual-orientation-discrimination
Saturday 4 June 2016
How "Being Myself" Turned Me Into The Person I Didn't Want To Be
One thing I've been told throughout the 18 years, 4 Months and 6 Days of my life, is no matter what happens to just be yourself and everything will work out.
And it's taken me 18 years, 4 months and 6 days to work out that reason I today am a former shell of myself and a person I don't want to be, is because no matter what happened I was just myself.
You're reassured that people will love you and want to be your friend becasue you are yourself, but forget to tell you that there are people in the world who will hate and hate on the person you are until you change into a person you don't recognise in the mirror anymore.
I was bullied alot at the beginning of high school because I was myself. I was bullied for being a unique, individual person with my own (maybe not shared) likes, views on things and humor by people who esentially faked their entire persona to fit in and be seen as popular. One of my best friends in the early years of my secondary education was exactly like this. When around me, she was the person I knew and became friends with, but the second she was with the 'popular' people she almost put on a mask and changed everything about herself so she would be liked.
It was something I never understood, until I changed to.
I changed however for a different reason.
My personality changed because my mental health changed.
Suddenly, the 11 year old me with a bad bad bob haircut that (i adored btw), who loved HSM, boybands and singing and didn't care one bit about what she looked like became an 18 year old with long dyed hair, a love of bands, sports and so self concious about even breathing that it actually quite scares me.
The carefree 11 year old was suddenly feeling like ending her life and consequently stopped doing everything she loved because being herself was too painful to cope with.
It's not even the bullying that changed me, it was the side effects of it all.
It was the endless nights sat crying, the constant worry and anxiety about leaving the house everyday or answering a question in lessons, the constant sadness that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to change my personality into one that would make me and everyone else happy.
But thats the problem isn't it?
You can never please everyone. You can never please everyone and youself.
At one point in recent years, I thought to myself okay I now am a person I really hate, so if I just ace my exams then people will think highly of me right?
Wrong.
Even though I got the best grades I physically could, I still recieved the comments about me being "too smart" and "faking everything." So I stopped listening in some lessons and started to fail some tests, but once again the comments about me "pretending to be (now) dumb" just poured into my ear, as well as my own personal guilt and anxiety about this kinda thing eating me from inside out.
That's when it all got too much.
It was when I was now a person I actually refused to look at in the mirror but the person I was still wasn't good enough.
It was when I threw away everything I loved, everything I was good at and then couldn't walk into school without being laughed at or bullied that my mental health then permanently changed me as a person.
I stopped trusting people, I could barely speak in public where I used to excel at that, I started to bite my nails, I hated being alone, I had mood swings that I couldn't control, I stopped socializing, I stopped wearing the clothes I loves, I stopped using social media, I stopped having a carefree attitude, I stopped smiling.
I started bunking school, I started hating myself, I started covering up, I started covering myself in make up, I started blocking out everyone in my life, I started binge eating, I started staying in my room unless I was at school or having dinner, I started a life of despression and anxiety that would impact the way I was as a person until the very moments I write these words.
I stopped being myself and started being the person I hated.
For so long, I had the firm mind set that nothing could go wrong if I was myself.
I was so wrong.
I was so focused on being me and not letting others influence me even slightly, I formed into a person I now hate the look of when I look into a mirror.
I acted as myself, and now I'm in a what feels like never ending cycle of unhappiness.
It feels like a choice, you either be youself, get hurt and change as a result, or you change straight away and almost lose your identity to fit in.
Isn't this a problem?
Being the person you are is something that should be encouraged!! You shouldn't feel bad or get treated differently because of being your own person.
Why aren't we encouraging individualism and reassuring people that being you is amazing, wonderful and the best thing you can be and that people shouldn't be singled out because they aren't exactly like you?
Because by ignoring this, people everyday are changing their ideals, personality, views on the world just to fit in so they aren't singled out by groups or people.
You don't need to be accepted by others, you don't need to change for anyone. If someone wants you to change for them then they aren't worth it.
As an 11 year old, I made some stupid decisions I regret. I wanted everyone to like me because I was pretty used to being liked by people. I let people I barely knew control my life, drain away any happiness and change me as a person just because they told me it was wrong to be me.
And now, I am a person I don't want to be, because I was myself.
I'm now a transformed person of myself, completely different to how I imagined my life being at this age. I now suffer with insomnia, get really anxious really quickly, I'm really clingy and I hate myself so much that I have days where I wish I wasn't breathing.
So don't make the same mistakes as I did.
Be the person you want to be and ignore what anyone thinks, its just not worth it.
More Information:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/be-yourself-instead-of-people-pleasing/
https://www.childline.org.uk/explore/bullying/pages/bullying.aspx
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/dare-to-be-your-own-perso_b_5643058.html
http://www.mind.org.uk
And it's taken me 18 years, 4 months and 6 days to work out that reason I today am a former shell of myself and a person I don't want to be, is because no matter what happened I was just myself.
You're reassured that people will love you and want to be your friend becasue you are yourself, but forget to tell you that there are people in the world who will hate and hate on the person you are until you change into a person you don't recognise in the mirror anymore.
I was bullied alot at the beginning of high school because I was myself. I was bullied for being a unique, individual person with my own (maybe not shared) likes, views on things and humor by people who esentially faked their entire persona to fit in and be seen as popular. One of my best friends in the early years of my secondary education was exactly like this. When around me, she was the person I knew and became friends with, but the second she was with the 'popular' people she almost put on a mask and changed everything about herself so she would be liked.
It was something I never understood, until I changed to.
I changed however for a different reason.
My personality changed because my mental health changed.
Suddenly, the 11 year old me with a bad bad bob haircut that (i adored btw), who loved HSM, boybands and singing and didn't care one bit about what she looked like became an 18 year old with long dyed hair, a love of bands, sports and so self concious about even breathing that it actually quite scares me.
The carefree 11 year old was suddenly feeling like ending her life and consequently stopped doing everything she loved because being herself was too painful to cope with.
It's not even the bullying that changed me, it was the side effects of it all.
It was the endless nights sat crying, the constant worry and anxiety about leaving the house everyday or answering a question in lessons, the constant sadness that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to change my personality into one that would make me and everyone else happy.
But thats the problem isn't it?
You can never please everyone. You can never please everyone and youself.
At one point in recent years, I thought to myself okay I now am a person I really hate, so if I just ace my exams then people will think highly of me right?
Wrong.
Even though I got the best grades I physically could, I still recieved the comments about me being "too smart" and "faking everything." So I stopped listening in some lessons and started to fail some tests, but once again the comments about me "pretending to be (now) dumb" just poured into my ear, as well as my own personal guilt and anxiety about this kinda thing eating me from inside out.
That's when it all got too much.
It was when I was now a person I actually refused to look at in the mirror but the person I was still wasn't good enough.
It was when I threw away everything I loved, everything I was good at and then couldn't walk into school without being laughed at or bullied that my mental health then permanently changed me as a person.
I stopped trusting people, I could barely speak in public where I used to excel at that, I started to bite my nails, I hated being alone, I had mood swings that I couldn't control, I stopped socializing, I stopped wearing the clothes I loves, I stopped using social media, I stopped having a carefree attitude, I stopped smiling.
I started bunking school, I started hating myself, I started covering up, I started covering myself in make up, I started blocking out everyone in my life, I started binge eating, I started staying in my room unless I was at school or having dinner, I started a life of despression and anxiety that would impact the way I was as a person until the very moments I write these words.
I stopped being myself and started being the person I hated.
For so long, I had the firm mind set that nothing could go wrong if I was myself.
I was so wrong.
I was so focused on being me and not letting others influence me even slightly, I formed into a person I now hate the look of when I look into a mirror.
I acted as myself, and now I'm in a what feels like never ending cycle of unhappiness.
It feels like a choice, you either be youself, get hurt and change as a result, or you change straight away and almost lose your identity to fit in.
Isn't this a problem?
Being the person you are is something that should be encouraged!! You shouldn't feel bad or get treated differently because of being your own person.
Why aren't we encouraging individualism and reassuring people that being you is amazing, wonderful and the best thing you can be and that people shouldn't be singled out because they aren't exactly like you?
Because by ignoring this, people everyday are changing their ideals, personality, views on the world just to fit in so they aren't singled out by groups or people.
You don't need to be accepted by others, you don't need to change for anyone. If someone wants you to change for them then they aren't worth it.
As an 11 year old, I made some stupid decisions I regret. I wanted everyone to like me because I was pretty used to being liked by people. I let people I barely knew control my life, drain away any happiness and change me as a person just because they told me it was wrong to be me.
And now, I am a person I don't want to be, because I was myself.
I'm now a transformed person of myself, completely different to how I imagined my life being at this age. I now suffer with insomnia, get really anxious really quickly, I'm really clingy and I hate myself so much that I have days where I wish I wasn't breathing.
So don't make the same mistakes as I did.
Be the person you want to be and ignore what anyone thinks, its just not worth it.
More Information:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/be-yourself-instead-of-people-pleasing/
https://www.childline.org.uk/explore/bullying/pages/bullying.aspx
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/dare-to-be-your-own-perso_b_5643058.html
http://www.mind.org.uk
Friday 20 May 2016
A Lifelong Battle Between Weight and Confidence
We live in a society that argues that a persons weight doesn't matter at the same time where anyone who is every size under the sun gets mocked for either being too fat, too skinny or not being "perfect."
It's sad really.
It's sad how one minute you see photos and tweets about how every size is perfect then the next minute the person who commented about the fact that "weight doesn't matter" is now mocking you because you're a size 16 and proud of your body.
Society says to be proud of yourself but then mocks you for your so called imperfections.
The funny thing is society's construction of "perfection" quite literally doesn't exist, because you could be everything that people regard to be "perfect" but someone would still mock you because their standards seem to grow with every perfection you seem to have.
For me personally, I've always had an issue with my size.
My slow metabolism and love of food has meant that I'm a solid size 16 and am highly struggling now as an 18 year old to lose a few dress sizes. But even as a kid, I had the wonderful experiences of bullying because my stomach wasn't flat.
At 10 and 11 I was picked on at school because I wasn't thin.
Aged 10.
Any alarm bells ringing here?
You get laughed at and ridiculed for being a few sizes bigger than average but you get eyes rolled at and days of non top comments stating you for being a few sizes smaller than the average.
It's not even an issue you can avoid.
I login to twitter and see tweets like "If you're over 200lbs you shouldn't wear shorts or leggings" and "Size 8 is too skinny why don't you eat more?"
I walk into lessons where people talk about the person someone hates because they are "really skinny and just need to eat a pizza for a change."
I play sports and have to hear the endless comments about "fat people shouldn't play sport they're too unfit for that."
But people don't consider for one second the lasting impact these comments have on people.
They don't consider their comments about someone being "too fat" can lead to people stop eating all together to try and become "perfect."
They don't consider the harm that comments directed towards a person suffering with eating disorders can bring up in people who are battling with their minds and the food they put in their mouth.
The Costs of Eating Disorders - Social, Health and Economic Impacts report publisized that in the UK alone, 725,000 people suffer with eating disorders (most common in young women.) Eating disorders have the highest rates of death than any other mental illness, with 1 in 5 losing their lives due to the illness itself or the psychological impact (eventually leading to suicide).
And the comments about weight that society throws on people are a very real and very common trigger to not eating or purging everything you eat.
On the other side of the coin, 85% of people who suffer with Emotional Overeating said that they have a negative body image, with 79% of these saying it is also the impact of society's pressure to lose weight that led to their eating disorder.
One comment can have a long lasting impact on someones confidence and life..
Weight for many people, including myself, is a main factor in low levels of confidence. Looking in the mirror and hating what you see because your mind tells you that you're too fat or you aren't fat enough.
You see it all the time. Constantly reassuring your friends that they aren't fat and that they don't need to stop eating all together to lose weight. But they don't listen to you just as you don't listen to yourself as you try and stop the voice in your head from persuading you that you are everything you don't want to be.
It's funny how we use fat as an insult now though. Fat it just an adjective, a descriptive word but now society has twisted its meaning so much that being fat is instantly a bad thing and something that you don't want to be, instead of the simple descriptive word that the creators of the english language intended it to be.
So yeah, Hi, I'm fat.
And I find that it's so much easier to have confidence in the way you look when you take away all the negativity attatched to the simple fucking adjectives that people use to try and insult you when really they're just the same as saying that you have brown hair or you're tall or short.
And people in this world like Nicole fucking Arbour who thinks its bloody fantastic to make videos insulting people over their weight saying ridiculous things about the fact that all overweight people are just lazy (i'm 99% sure I do more exercise than her btw and I'm probably twice her size) oh and just denying fat shaming is even a thing (which is all she does in the insulting, crude and disgusting video btw.) Not fogetting my personal favourite comment that people that are obese deserve to be shamed until they stop 'bad habits.'
People like her need to stop being complete and utter twats who don't understand anything about a persons struggles with their weight and their ability to lose it (if they even want to.)
People make insulting comments without a second thought about the fact that people in this world wake up every day hating the way they look, shaming themselves for not having a flat stomach, refuse to eat in public because they believe that people judge them for eating. They don't have a second thought for the people who starve themselves to feel perfect, for the people who can't go a day without someone telling them to 'not eat that piece of cake you need to eat healthy to lose weight.' For the people who eat so much but can't put on any weight no matter how hard they try and all they hear is stick from their family and friends for being 'too thin.'
And when it comes to my weight it feels like a constant battle between society, what I see in the mirror and what my mind says to me.
I look at myself in an outfit and will change at least 10 times because I feel too fat in something and I get myself so worked up that people will laugh at me because of the way I look in a dress or in a top that isn't loose and long. I used to put on my football kit and then have to pick up the courage to actually put on my shorts and go out with my legs showing because I hate my thighs that much that it took me ages to put on a pair of shorts that I wore the week before.
That's not the way it should be, no one should have peoples words etched into their mind about how they "aren't skinny enough yet" because society tells us we can't be perfect until we have a "perfect" body.
But that's just it isn't it.
You don't need a "perfect" body to be "perfect"
You don't need a "perfect" flat stomach and thigh gap to be "perfect"
You don't need any specific thing to be "perfect" because there is no such thing as the "perfect" figure, the "perfect" size, the "perfect" weight.
You are perfect whether you're a size 2 or a size 22.
You are perfect whether you love your body or hate your body.
You are perfect whether you have a thigh gap or not.
And one day you're going to meet someone who will make you feel so beautiful no matter how much you weigh and a person who won't care that you have a little stomach and a person who won't care if you can eat 3 whole large pizzas and end up losing 4lbs.
You are perfect no matter your body shape.
Society doesn't emphasise it enough.
And it's so easy to forget that.
More Informtion and Support:
http://www.healthyweightnetwork.com/size1.htm
https://www.b-eat.co.uk
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/eating-disorders/pages/introduction.aspx
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/eating-problems/#.Vz9eljZlnVo
http://eating-disorders.org.uk
It's sad really.
It's sad how one minute you see photos and tweets about how every size is perfect then the next minute the person who commented about the fact that "weight doesn't matter" is now mocking you because you're a size 16 and proud of your body.
Society says to be proud of yourself but then mocks you for your so called imperfections.
The funny thing is society's construction of "perfection" quite literally doesn't exist, because you could be everything that people regard to be "perfect" but someone would still mock you because their standards seem to grow with every perfection you seem to have.
For me personally, I've always had an issue with my size.
My slow metabolism and love of food has meant that I'm a solid size 16 and am highly struggling now as an 18 year old to lose a few dress sizes. But even as a kid, I had the wonderful experiences of bullying because my stomach wasn't flat.
At 10 and 11 I was picked on at school because I wasn't thin.
Aged 10.
Any alarm bells ringing here?
You get laughed at and ridiculed for being a few sizes bigger than average but you get eyes rolled at and days of non top comments stating you for being a few sizes smaller than the average.
It's not even an issue you can avoid.
I login to twitter and see tweets like "If you're over 200lbs you shouldn't wear shorts or leggings" and "Size 8 is too skinny why don't you eat more?"
I walk into lessons where people talk about the person someone hates because they are "really skinny and just need to eat a pizza for a change."
I play sports and have to hear the endless comments about "fat people shouldn't play sport they're too unfit for that."
But people don't consider for one second the lasting impact these comments have on people.
They don't consider their comments about someone being "too fat" can lead to people stop eating all together to try and become "perfect."
They don't consider the harm that comments directed towards a person suffering with eating disorders can bring up in people who are battling with their minds and the food they put in their mouth.
The Costs of Eating Disorders - Social, Health and Economic Impacts report publisized that in the UK alone, 725,000 people suffer with eating disorders (most common in young women.) Eating disorders have the highest rates of death than any other mental illness, with 1 in 5 losing their lives due to the illness itself or the psychological impact (eventually leading to suicide).
And the comments about weight that society throws on people are a very real and very common trigger to not eating or purging everything you eat.
On the other side of the coin, 85% of people who suffer with Emotional Overeating said that they have a negative body image, with 79% of these saying it is also the impact of society's pressure to lose weight that led to their eating disorder.
One comment can have a long lasting impact on someones confidence and life..
Weight for many people, including myself, is a main factor in low levels of confidence. Looking in the mirror and hating what you see because your mind tells you that you're too fat or you aren't fat enough.
You see it all the time. Constantly reassuring your friends that they aren't fat and that they don't need to stop eating all together to lose weight. But they don't listen to you just as you don't listen to yourself as you try and stop the voice in your head from persuading you that you are everything you don't want to be.
It's funny how we use fat as an insult now though. Fat it just an adjective, a descriptive word but now society has twisted its meaning so much that being fat is instantly a bad thing and something that you don't want to be, instead of the simple descriptive word that the creators of the english language intended it to be.
So yeah, Hi, I'm fat.
And I find that it's so much easier to have confidence in the way you look when you take away all the negativity attatched to the simple fucking adjectives that people use to try and insult you when really they're just the same as saying that you have brown hair or you're tall or short.
And people in this world like Nicole fucking Arbour who thinks its bloody fantastic to make videos insulting people over their weight saying ridiculous things about the fact that all overweight people are just lazy (i'm 99% sure I do more exercise than her btw and I'm probably twice her size) oh and just denying fat shaming is even a thing (which is all she does in the insulting, crude and disgusting video btw.) Not fogetting my personal favourite comment that people that are obese deserve to be shamed until they stop 'bad habits.'
People like her need to stop being complete and utter twats who don't understand anything about a persons struggles with their weight and their ability to lose it (if they even want to.)
People make insulting comments without a second thought about the fact that people in this world wake up every day hating the way they look, shaming themselves for not having a flat stomach, refuse to eat in public because they believe that people judge them for eating. They don't have a second thought for the people who starve themselves to feel perfect, for the people who can't go a day without someone telling them to 'not eat that piece of cake you need to eat healthy to lose weight.' For the people who eat so much but can't put on any weight no matter how hard they try and all they hear is stick from their family and friends for being 'too thin.'
And when it comes to my weight it feels like a constant battle between society, what I see in the mirror and what my mind says to me.
I look at myself in an outfit and will change at least 10 times because I feel too fat in something and I get myself so worked up that people will laugh at me because of the way I look in a dress or in a top that isn't loose and long. I used to put on my football kit and then have to pick up the courage to actually put on my shorts and go out with my legs showing because I hate my thighs that much that it took me ages to put on a pair of shorts that I wore the week before.
That's not the way it should be, no one should have peoples words etched into their mind about how they "aren't skinny enough yet" because society tells us we can't be perfect until we have a "perfect" body.
But that's just it isn't it.
You don't need a "perfect" body to be "perfect"
You don't need a "perfect" flat stomach and thigh gap to be "perfect"
You don't need any specific thing to be "perfect" because there is no such thing as the "perfect" figure, the "perfect" size, the "perfect" weight.
You are perfect whether you're a size 2 or a size 22.
You are perfect whether you love your body or hate your body.
You are perfect whether you have a thigh gap or not.
And one day you're going to meet someone who will make you feel so beautiful no matter how much you weigh and a person who won't care that you have a little stomach and a person who won't care if you can eat 3 whole large pizzas and end up losing 4lbs.
You are perfect no matter your body shape.
Society doesn't emphasise it enough.
And it's so easy to forget that.
More Informtion and Support:
http://www.healthyweightnetwork.com/size1.htm
https://www.b-eat.co.uk
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/eating-disorders/pages/introduction.aspx
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/eating-problems/#.Vz9eljZlnVo
http://eating-disorders.org.uk
Thursday 12 May 2016
Life's Little Ways to Cope
Hello!!
Today I would like to talk about a broader part of mental health, that slightly follows from my post about depression.
With all mental health and any battle life throws at you, everyone will have a way of dealing with the emotions that are thrown on them.
Coping Mechanisms are defined as ways to deal with stress either internally or externally which can be done consciously or unconsciously. There are so many different ways people use to cope with unwanted feelings, ranging from listening to music, playing sports, screaming the house down. You name it and someone probably uses it.
The work of the psychologist Freud in the late 1800's partly looked at the use of a variety of defense mechanisms to protect our ego (our reality principle in making choices) from harm. Yeah okay, Freud was on drugs when he was doing his work, and there is sooo much wrong with him and his theory into behaviour, but so many people look straight over the many aspects of his work that you actually see in real life. Defense Mechanisms are one of them.
When you feel stressed do you do some exercise? Play your favourite video game?
When you go through something traumatise it, do you try pretend it never happened?
When you do something stupid, do you try to pretend it never happened?
All of these are forms of defense mechanism we use to try keep us from harm. We as humans try to make us feel better by letting out our anger, our stress, our frustration and our sadness onto something else or by trying to pretend that whatever event that triggered these feelings never happened. But as well as this, coping mechanisms can link to the fact that these feelings for a prolonged amount of time aren't normal. For example, stress is a feeling that if there to create the flight/fight response in our body to prepare us for action, so our body physically has to rid these symptoms after a certain amount of time for it to function. Once again, a coping mechanism is often used to reduce this.
But away from the psychology aspect, coping mechanisms in my opinion need to be made more known.
Because if we can understand why a person uses a coping mechanism, it'll be so much easier for people to talk about ways of dealing with problems that could be harmful to themselves or others.
There are many safe ways to deal with overwhelming emotions. As I stated earlier, many people sublimate their feelings through sports, drawing, painting, dancing, writing etc. Many people act like an event never even happened.
But there are so many dangerous and potentially lethal coping mechanisms that no one will ever want to talk about because they find it embarrassing.
For example, someone with depression may use drugs to relieve any ill feelings and make them feel happy through a high or drunked state. A person with depression or anxiety may smoke cigerettes due to the calming and relieving feeling you get from the cigerette. A person with any mental illness may abuse any substance to try and feel normal, relieved or be able to cope with their symptoms.
Did you know that 50% of people diagnosed with mental health disorders are affected by some form of substance abuse?
Did you know that 37% of alcohol abusers and 53% of drug users have at least one mental health illness?
Did you know that people with severe mental illnesses are 4.6 times more likely to abuse drugs at least 10 times in their lives?
Doesn't that scare you?
Doesn't it scare you how closely mental health and substance abuse are linked? You often hear people say that they need a drink to forget everything, especially in a hard or stressful point at their life.
But isn't that it? Don't we all at points just need something to relieve the pain?
The concept of the use of drugs as a coping mechanisms is the exact same principle of self harm to cope.
Because it doesn't matter what we do to cope, as long as we are getting some relief. The relief acts as a positive reinforcer, which then strengthens this behaviour and makes us more likely to carry out the action again. Whether that be drinking until we can't remember the night, hurting yourself intentionally or simply playing a video game involving violence. Does it not give the same effect?
It gives the same effect, but it doesn't make it okay.
Because alcohol abuse can lead to bigger consequences than simply kicking a football around.
Self harm can lead to more lethal consequences than simply drawing some pictures.
If the statistics related to substance abuse weren't scary enough, you are 20 times more likely to revert to any form of self harm if you have a mental illness. In recent years there has been a 70% increase in A&E visits in self harm related issues (and this is just in young people.) Every 1/12 children have deliberatly self harmed in their lifetime.
Doesn't it scare you?
We revert to extremes to cope with life but we are so afraid to talk about it because of the stigma related to mental health and the ways of coping with tough situations.
How do you admit to yourself that you have a problem, let alone to someone else?
And you wonder why people get pissed off at your ""jokes"" about these kinda things. How issues that are effecting their everyday lives and cannot tell anyone about in fear they'll be ridiculed and judged or treated differently by everyone they love, you make fun of like its nothing.
People just have different ways to cope thats all.
It's not a laughing matter.
But it doesn't matter how you cope, as long as you try and refrain from resorting to things that can end up really hurting you.
Because once you start something you can't stop.
Trust me.
Even so, it will get better.
Soon you'll get to a point where you don't need to use anything but deep breathing to be able to cope with problems in life.
You can do it.
It'll all be okay.
More Information // Support:
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/Self-harm/Pages/Self-harm.aspx
http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/coping/coping.htm
https://explorable.com/stress-and-coping-mechanisms
https://www.promises.com/articles/addiction-recovery/coping-mechanisms-to-aid-your-recovery/
Today I would like to talk about a broader part of mental health, that slightly follows from my post about depression.
With all mental health and any battle life throws at you, everyone will have a way of dealing with the emotions that are thrown on them.
Coping Mechanisms are defined as ways to deal with stress either internally or externally which can be done consciously or unconsciously. There are so many different ways people use to cope with unwanted feelings, ranging from listening to music, playing sports, screaming the house down. You name it and someone probably uses it.
The work of the psychologist Freud in the late 1800's partly looked at the use of a variety of defense mechanisms to protect our ego (our reality principle in making choices) from harm. Yeah okay, Freud was on drugs when he was doing his work, and there is sooo much wrong with him and his theory into behaviour, but so many people look straight over the many aspects of his work that you actually see in real life. Defense Mechanisms are one of them.
When you feel stressed do you do some exercise? Play your favourite video game?
When you go through something traumatise it, do you try pretend it never happened?
When you do something stupid, do you try to pretend it never happened?
All of these are forms of defense mechanism we use to try keep us from harm. We as humans try to make us feel better by letting out our anger, our stress, our frustration and our sadness onto something else or by trying to pretend that whatever event that triggered these feelings never happened. But as well as this, coping mechanisms can link to the fact that these feelings for a prolonged amount of time aren't normal. For example, stress is a feeling that if there to create the flight/fight response in our body to prepare us for action, so our body physically has to rid these symptoms after a certain amount of time for it to function. Once again, a coping mechanism is often used to reduce this.
But away from the psychology aspect, coping mechanisms in my opinion need to be made more known.
Because if we can understand why a person uses a coping mechanism, it'll be so much easier for people to talk about ways of dealing with problems that could be harmful to themselves or others.
There are many safe ways to deal with overwhelming emotions. As I stated earlier, many people sublimate their feelings through sports, drawing, painting, dancing, writing etc. Many people act like an event never even happened.
But there are so many dangerous and potentially lethal coping mechanisms that no one will ever want to talk about because they find it embarrassing.
For example, someone with depression may use drugs to relieve any ill feelings and make them feel happy through a high or drunked state. A person with depression or anxiety may smoke cigerettes due to the calming and relieving feeling you get from the cigerette. A person with any mental illness may abuse any substance to try and feel normal, relieved or be able to cope with their symptoms.
Did you know that 50% of people diagnosed with mental health disorders are affected by some form of substance abuse?
Did you know that 37% of alcohol abusers and 53% of drug users have at least one mental health illness?
Did you know that people with severe mental illnesses are 4.6 times more likely to abuse drugs at least 10 times in their lives?
Doesn't that scare you?
Doesn't it scare you how closely mental health and substance abuse are linked? You often hear people say that they need a drink to forget everything, especially in a hard or stressful point at their life.
But isn't that it? Don't we all at points just need something to relieve the pain?
The concept of the use of drugs as a coping mechanisms is the exact same principle of self harm to cope.
Because it doesn't matter what we do to cope, as long as we are getting some relief. The relief acts as a positive reinforcer, which then strengthens this behaviour and makes us more likely to carry out the action again. Whether that be drinking until we can't remember the night, hurting yourself intentionally or simply playing a video game involving violence. Does it not give the same effect?
It gives the same effect, but it doesn't make it okay.
Because alcohol abuse can lead to bigger consequences than simply kicking a football around.
Self harm can lead to more lethal consequences than simply drawing some pictures.
If the statistics related to substance abuse weren't scary enough, you are 20 times more likely to revert to any form of self harm if you have a mental illness. In recent years there has been a 70% increase in A&E visits in self harm related issues (and this is just in young people.) Every 1/12 children have deliberatly self harmed in their lifetime.
Doesn't it scare you?
We revert to extremes to cope with life but we are so afraid to talk about it because of the stigma related to mental health and the ways of coping with tough situations.
How do you admit to yourself that you have a problem, let alone to someone else?
And you wonder why people get pissed off at your ""jokes"" about these kinda things. How issues that are effecting their everyday lives and cannot tell anyone about in fear they'll be ridiculed and judged or treated differently by everyone they love, you make fun of like its nothing.
People just have different ways to cope thats all.
It's not a laughing matter.
But it doesn't matter how you cope, as long as you try and refrain from resorting to things that can end up really hurting you.
Because once you start something you can't stop.
Trust me.
Even so, it will get better.
Soon you'll get to a point where you don't need to use anything but deep breathing to be able to cope with problems in life.
You can do it.
It'll all be okay.
More Information // Support:
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/Self-harm/Pages/Self-harm.aspx
http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/coping/coping.htm
https://explorable.com/stress-and-coping-mechanisms
https://www.promises.com/articles/addiction-recovery/coping-mechanisms-to-aid-your-recovery/
Monday 2 May 2016
Realities of Living With Mental Health
Hello!!
Today I'm going to do a more generic post, maybe something a little bit different from my published posts and the many many drafts sat waiting for completion.
But, this is something that I strongly feel and want to say more than anything I will write, because its one thing understanding all about these parts of life, but its a different thing understanding the impact on what you say and what its like to live with it.
I get it, occasionally a "hilarious" comment just happens to 'slip out' about issues that people face everyday.
Like when I hear family say things like "Thats such a gay thing to do why would you want to do that"
Or my personal favourite, hearing the classic "oh i should just go kill myself" from friends in a jokey and apparently harmless way.
But you dont get it do you??
Because people, including myself, have to live with homophobia, suicidal thoughts etc every day of our lives and you think its oKAY to make jokes??
News flash, it wasn't okay the first time, it wasn't okay the 30th time and it won't be okay on the 100th time.
But you got a few laughs out of it, so its alright isn't it? You got some laughs from more inconsiderate air heads that don't seem to realise that the things you're crapping out of your mouth may actually feel like stabs in the heart to a few people you're sat with.
The stabs in the heart that continue to bleed and bleed and make you feel like your lungs want to collapse and when you sit in bed overthinking and persuading yourself to stay strong and stay clean whilst battling in your mind between them not meaning a word of what they said and them wanting you to do something stupid. Whilst they still think it's alright.
But isn't that what mental health is about? Battling between yourself and your demons?
The battle that becoming a war you possibly cannot win with all the jokes and the comments making you think that happiness and recovery and normality it something that you don't deserve and will never have.
I wish people understood it more, what it's like.
What it's like to have to have mulitple days off college or work because you're so sad or anxious or drained at the moment that you physically can't move and you've made yourself so ill stressing about everything.
What it's like to be constantly battling in your mind that the people you don't know on a table near you aren't laughing at you (just to conclude that they are even though theres no chance in hell they are)
What it's like to have to talk yourself out of doing stupid things and hoping you collapse from tiredness any minute because you know you don't have the will to stop yourself.
What it's like to hear your closest friends and family members joke about mental health like its nothing.
But you don't really understand these kinda things unless you've gone through it.
My issue is that it's more than just jokes like these in conversation. It's peoples moaning at you directly or indirectly to be happier, to be more optimistic about life, to stop being so negative.
Don't you see?
I can't.
I can't be happier, I can't be more positive and optimistic. I try. Trust me theres nothing i want more in my life to be happy!! But my brain is sick, I've almost been socialised or conditioned into being sad no matter the happiness that life throws at me. I find the sadness in all happiness, the bad in all the good. I moan alot and rant alot because I'm so unhappy and think that everythings shitty in this godforsaken world. I don't try to make you sad by telling you sad things but I have no one else to turn to to try and help me feel better about myself. I want to be happy.
I can't.
I'm sorry if the mental illness i've had to live with for 8 years is making you upset, it's not like I mean to cause any problems. But I'll try and tell my brain to stop being sad to make you happy, is that what you want?
I can't.
Living with mental health problems is something awful. It's something that completely changes you and ruins the person you've always wanted to be and turns you into a shell of yourself who you absolutely dispise every living day.
And you're jokes and comments just make everything feel just that bit more painful. That bit harder to cope with.
Are they still funny now?
Today I'm going to do a more generic post, maybe something a little bit different from my published posts and the many many drafts sat waiting for completion.
But, this is something that I strongly feel and want to say more than anything I will write, because its one thing understanding all about these parts of life, but its a different thing understanding the impact on what you say and what its like to live with it.
I get it, occasionally a "hilarious" comment just happens to 'slip out' about issues that people face everyday.
Like when I hear family say things like "Thats such a gay thing to do why would you want to do that"
Or my personal favourite, hearing the classic "oh i should just go kill myself" from friends in a jokey and apparently harmless way.
But you dont get it do you??
Because people, including myself, have to live with homophobia, suicidal thoughts etc every day of our lives and you think its oKAY to make jokes??
News flash, it wasn't okay the first time, it wasn't okay the 30th time and it won't be okay on the 100th time.
But you got a few laughs out of it, so its alright isn't it? You got some laughs from more inconsiderate air heads that don't seem to realise that the things you're crapping out of your mouth may actually feel like stabs in the heart to a few people you're sat with.
The stabs in the heart that continue to bleed and bleed and make you feel like your lungs want to collapse and when you sit in bed overthinking and persuading yourself to stay strong and stay clean whilst battling in your mind between them not meaning a word of what they said and them wanting you to do something stupid. Whilst they still think it's alright.
But isn't that what mental health is about? Battling between yourself and your demons?
The battle that becoming a war you possibly cannot win with all the jokes and the comments making you think that happiness and recovery and normality it something that you don't deserve and will never have.
I wish people understood it more, what it's like.
What it's like to have to have mulitple days off college or work because you're so sad or anxious or drained at the moment that you physically can't move and you've made yourself so ill stressing about everything.
What it's like to be constantly battling in your mind that the people you don't know on a table near you aren't laughing at you (just to conclude that they are even though theres no chance in hell they are)
What it's like to have to talk yourself out of doing stupid things and hoping you collapse from tiredness any minute because you know you don't have the will to stop yourself.
What it's like to hear your closest friends and family members joke about mental health like its nothing.
But you don't really understand these kinda things unless you've gone through it.
My issue is that it's more than just jokes like these in conversation. It's peoples moaning at you directly or indirectly to be happier, to be more optimistic about life, to stop being so negative.
Don't you see?
I can't.
I can't be happier, I can't be more positive and optimistic. I try. Trust me theres nothing i want more in my life to be happy!! But my brain is sick, I've almost been socialised or conditioned into being sad no matter the happiness that life throws at me. I find the sadness in all happiness, the bad in all the good. I moan alot and rant alot because I'm so unhappy and think that everythings shitty in this godforsaken world. I don't try to make you sad by telling you sad things but I have no one else to turn to to try and help me feel better about myself. I want to be happy.
I can't.
I'm sorry if the mental illness i've had to live with for 8 years is making you upset, it's not like I mean to cause any problems. But I'll try and tell my brain to stop being sad to make you happy, is that what you want?
I can't.
Living with mental health problems is something awful. It's something that completely changes you and ruins the person you've always wanted to be and turns you into a shell of yourself who you absolutely dispise every living day.
And you're jokes and comments just make everything feel just that bit more painful. That bit harder to cope with.
Are they still funny now?
Friday 15 April 2016
The Truth About a Life of Depression
A rather silent killer.
Depression is defined as mood disorder causing persistant feelings of sadness that usually disrupts your everyday life. Which yes it does, but it doesn't always.
And this is what I find persoanlly isn't spoken about enough when depression is spoken about. Because people believe its constant sadness, hard to get out of bed everyday, constant feelings of being overwhelmed etc. Which it is, but it isnt.
It takes on many forms, different people experience different things which can change everyday. Many people feel these feelings for different reasons, and no one's reasons are less valid than someone elses, because one persons reason may seem to small to you but to them its huge. Just because someones life seems great, doesn't mean it always is. Not everyone with depression is sad all the time, not everyone with depression struggles to sleep or has mood swings or had suicidal thoughts. Depression takes many forms that people that suffer with depression may not even realise what their symptoms are.
You can have a reason to be depressed, but you don't need a reason.
You don't have to have experienced trauma to have depression, but trauma is a factor that can lead to depression. You don't need to know why you are having depressive episodes or sudden mood swings, it isn't always obvious and there isn't always a reason. It is perfectly okay to have a sudden and drastic mood drop for no reason at all that you can think of. As it is perfectly okay to have a reason. It is perfectly okay that an incident at work or school led to a depressive episode, because the reality is that things that happen in your life can trigger depression. And this leads to paranoia, mood swings, sadness, tiredness, inability to get out of bed. Arguing with those close to you.
"I don't understand why you feel like everyone hates you or feel like I hate you"
"I don't get why you can't just make up with her"
"I don't get why you can't just be in a good mood for one day?"
You don't feel this way because you choose to feel this way. You can try and question it all you want, but my brain tells me these things, or I interpret a situation differently from you or how it actually is and theres nothing I can physically do to change that, trust me. I don't hate you. I don't mean to be defensive. I don't mean to offend you because I think that you're bitching about me behind my back. I don't mean to hate my life. But I do. Please help me feel less of a burden by understanding that my brain works in a way that you don't understand.
And more importantly, just because I seem happy doesn't mean I'm okay.
Just because you have depression, doesn't mean you can't be happy.
Just because you have depression, doesn't mean you can't have good days.
I find that people believe you can't have a great day then return home feel so overwelmed with sadness and cry yourself to sleep. Because its so possible and so real to be hit with the feelings even after happiness. Just because I've had a good day doesn't mean I can't go home and have panic attacks due to the thought of being alive for another fucking day.
Depression is an ILLNESS that affects not just your mood, but your personality, sleeping and eating habits, ability to make new friends/relationships, weight, education, work and many more functions of your life. You can have nights where you sleep for 3 hours, sleep for 6 but wake up every hour or get 15 hours sleep. You can have days you don't have the energy to leave your bed or have days where you can't wait to get up. Depression isn't one constant feeling, its a varying intensity of different behaviours or feelings that constanly affects your life.
It isn't beautiful. It isn't to be romanticised. It's snapping at those you love, arguing with those you love, falling into pieces and constantly having to be put together by either yourself or a significant other, its the sleepless teary nights, the panic episodes, the mood swings, the lack of energy and pain that you have to deal with on a daily basis to function and carry on trying to live when you feel as if you're dying.
And people turn to alcohol, illegal substances, self injury, denial, agressive actions, overdose just to relieve the feelings and the emotions to try and cope with the weight of the world. But when you really think about it, can you blame them? Can you blame someone for trying to numb the emotions or divert the emotions even if its for a matter of minutes or hours, because its so much easier to cope with physical pain than it is to deal with emotional pain. Its eaiser to deal with scars than to deal with feeling so overwhelmed that you struggle to breathe or think about anything good in your life.
Depression can change people, but the change isn't always noticable.
People know how it changes them, and try to hide this change so no one finds out or question them about what they're seeing, because admittance is even more overwhelming than the symptoms themselves.
All the work trying to break down the stigma for mental health is great, but it doesn't make it any easier to tell anyone.
It doesn't make it easier for you to sit down with your family and tell them that you think/have been diagnosed with depression, or tell your friends that your doctors prescribed you anti-depressants, or inform your work/school/college about your illness and new diagnosis. Because you run through in your head all the judgement, the sympathy, the change in views that people will have of you because of this. What if you're friends think its a cry to be the center of attention? What if your family think that depression isn't a real thing? What if your teachers think they have to treat you differently? What if your boss thinks it an excuse for time off work?
What if you go to their doctor and even they think you're lying, even though for the last 6 years of your life you've felt sad, overwhelmed, constant tiredness, insomnia, feeling hopeless, feeling guilty, irritability, mood changes, felt like hurting yourslf or had thoughts of ending your life?
Then what?
What if you tell everyone and you end up all alone like you were afraid of because you don't think you can handle being alone. What if they tell you that you can't be depressed because you haven't been to a doctor?
You don't need a diagnosis to be depressed, but a diagnosis can lead you to recovery.
Depression is something that you just know you have, because it's hard in reality to be much else. But if you think you have depression, you should tell someone.
Because getting it all of your shoulders and sharing the pain is the most important thing. Not the anti-depressants, not the therapy, not the hospital appointments or admittances when you fuck it all up.
Sharing your feelings is the drive for recovery, the drive for happiness again because you start to feel like the sadness will go away. Yes there will be times it comes back, because it's a part of you and always will be. But it will get better. It will start giving you a life back, instead of ripping life away from you bit by bit.
Depression tells you that you don't have depression. But you tell depression that you're stronger than depression.
Is it hard to tell us the truth?
The most important thing about depression that no one really tells you is that depression doesn't limit your success. Depression doesn't lead to failure.
Depression isn't the last stop on a train journey.
Depression isn't the unbeatable enemy.
Depression isn't just in your mind.
Depression isn't beauitful.
You aren't your depression, depression does not define you.
More Information About Depression / Charities or Sites you can speak to more:
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Symptoms.aspx
http://www.mind.org.uk
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/Mentalhealth/Pages/Mental-health.aspx
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/services_children_young_people/camhs
http://www.depressionalliance.org
Depression is defined as mood disorder causing persistant feelings of sadness that usually disrupts your everyday life. Which yes it does, but it doesn't always.
And this is what I find persoanlly isn't spoken about enough when depression is spoken about. Because people believe its constant sadness, hard to get out of bed everyday, constant feelings of being overwhelmed etc. Which it is, but it isnt.
It takes on many forms, different people experience different things which can change everyday. Many people feel these feelings for different reasons, and no one's reasons are less valid than someone elses, because one persons reason may seem to small to you but to them its huge. Just because someones life seems great, doesn't mean it always is. Not everyone with depression is sad all the time, not everyone with depression struggles to sleep or has mood swings or had suicidal thoughts. Depression takes many forms that people that suffer with depression may not even realise what their symptoms are.
You can have a reason to be depressed, but you don't need a reason.
You don't have to have experienced trauma to have depression, but trauma is a factor that can lead to depression. You don't need to know why you are having depressive episodes or sudden mood swings, it isn't always obvious and there isn't always a reason. It is perfectly okay to have a sudden and drastic mood drop for no reason at all that you can think of. As it is perfectly okay to have a reason. It is perfectly okay that an incident at work or school led to a depressive episode, because the reality is that things that happen in your life can trigger depression. And this leads to paranoia, mood swings, sadness, tiredness, inability to get out of bed. Arguing with those close to you.
"I don't understand why you feel like everyone hates you or feel like I hate you"
"I don't get why you can't just make up with her"
"I don't get why you can't just be in a good mood for one day?"
You don't feel this way because you choose to feel this way. You can try and question it all you want, but my brain tells me these things, or I interpret a situation differently from you or how it actually is and theres nothing I can physically do to change that, trust me. I don't hate you. I don't mean to be defensive. I don't mean to offend you because I think that you're bitching about me behind my back. I don't mean to hate my life. But I do. Please help me feel less of a burden by understanding that my brain works in a way that you don't understand.
And more importantly, just because I seem happy doesn't mean I'm okay.
Just because you have depression, doesn't mean you can't be happy.
Just because you have depression, doesn't mean you can't have good days.
I find that people believe you can't have a great day then return home feel so overwelmed with sadness and cry yourself to sleep. Because its so possible and so real to be hit with the feelings even after happiness. Just because I've had a good day doesn't mean I can't go home and have panic attacks due to the thought of being alive for another fucking day.
Depression is an ILLNESS that affects not just your mood, but your personality, sleeping and eating habits, ability to make new friends/relationships, weight, education, work and many more functions of your life. You can have nights where you sleep for 3 hours, sleep for 6 but wake up every hour or get 15 hours sleep. You can have days you don't have the energy to leave your bed or have days where you can't wait to get up. Depression isn't one constant feeling, its a varying intensity of different behaviours or feelings that constanly affects your life.
It isn't beautiful. It isn't to be romanticised. It's snapping at those you love, arguing with those you love, falling into pieces and constantly having to be put together by either yourself or a significant other, its the sleepless teary nights, the panic episodes, the mood swings, the lack of energy and pain that you have to deal with on a daily basis to function and carry on trying to live when you feel as if you're dying.
And people turn to alcohol, illegal substances, self injury, denial, agressive actions, overdose just to relieve the feelings and the emotions to try and cope with the weight of the world. But when you really think about it, can you blame them? Can you blame someone for trying to numb the emotions or divert the emotions even if its for a matter of minutes or hours, because its so much easier to cope with physical pain than it is to deal with emotional pain. Its eaiser to deal with scars than to deal with feeling so overwhelmed that you struggle to breathe or think about anything good in your life.
Depression can change people, but the change isn't always noticable.
People know how it changes them, and try to hide this change so no one finds out or question them about what they're seeing, because admittance is even more overwhelming than the symptoms themselves.
All the work trying to break down the stigma for mental health is great, but it doesn't make it any easier to tell anyone.
It doesn't make it easier for you to sit down with your family and tell them that you think/have been diagnosed with depression, or tell your friends that your doctors prescribed you anti-depressants, or inform your work/school/college about your illness and new diagnosis. Because you run through in your head all the judgement, the sympathy, the change in views that people will have of you because of this. What if you're friends think its a cry to be the center of attention? What if your family think that depression isn't a real thing? What if your teachers think they have to treat you differently? What if your boss thinks it an excuse for time off work?
What if you go to their doctor and even they think you're lying, even though for the last 6 years of your life you've felt sad, overwhelmed, constant tiredness, insomnia, feeling hopeless, feeling guilty, irritability, mood changes, felt like hurting yourslf or had thoughts of ending your life?
Then what?
What if you tell everyone and you end up all alone like you were afraid of because you don't think you can handle being alone. What if they tell you that you can't be depressed because you haven't been to a doctor?
You don't need a diagnosis to be depressed, but a diagnosis can lead you to recovery.
Depression is something that you just know you have, because it's hard in reality to be much else. But if you think you have depression, you should tell someone.
Because getting it all of your shoulders and sharing the pain is the most important thing. Not the anti-depressants, not the therapy, not the hospital appointments or admittances when you fuck it all up.
Sharing your feelings is the drive for recovery, the drive for happiness again because you start to feel like the sadness will go away. Yes there will be times it comes back, because it's a part of you and always will be. But it will get better. It will start giving you a life back, instead of ripping life away from you bit by bit.
Depression tells you that you don't have depression. But you tell depression that you're stronger than depression.
Is it hard to tell us the truth?
The most important thing about depression that no one really tells you is that depression doesn't limit your success. Depression doesn't lead to failure.
Depression isn't the last stop on a train journey.
Depression isn't the unbeatable enemy.
Depression isn't just in your mind.
Depression isn't beauitful.
You aren't your depression, depression does not define you.
More Information About Depression / Charities or Sites you can speak to more:
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Symptoms.aspx
http://www.mind.org.uk
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/Mentalhealth/Pages/Mental-health.aspx
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/services_children_young_people/camhs
http://www.depressionalliance.org
Wednesday 13 April 2016
Hi!
Welcome to my new blog, where I will be discussing things that people don't talk about often or important things people miss out of important life situations.
Most of these will be my personal experience, mainly about mental health or LGBT+ that i was never personally helped with and dealt with through my life.
I will also post links to websites / agencies where you can find out more or get more help with a problem.
you can also contact my through my (personal) twitter account: @emilygcx or message me.
Thank you!!
Welcome to my new blog, where I will be discussing things that people don't talk about often or important things people miss out of important life situations.
Most of these will be my personal experience, mainly about mental health or LGBT+ that i was never personally helped with and dealt with through my life.
I will also post links to websites / agencies where you can find out more or get more help with a problem.
you can also contact my through my (personal) twitter account: @emilygcx or message me.
Thank you!!
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