The Truth About a Life of Depression

A rather silent killer.

Depression is defined as mood disorder causing persistant feelings of sadness that usually disrupts your everyday life. Which yes it does, but it doesn't always.

And this is what I find persoanlly isn't spoken about enough when depression is spoken about. Because people believe its constant sadness, hard to get out of bed everyday, constant feelings of being overwhelmed etc. Which it is, but it isnt. 

It takes on many forms, different people experience different things which can change everyday. Many people feel these feelings for different reasons, and no one's reasons are less valid than someone elses, because one persons reason may seem to small to you but to them its huge. Just because someones life seems great, doesn't mean it always is. Not everyone with depression is sad all the time, not everyone with depression struggles to sleep or has mood swings or had suicidal thoughts. Depression takes many forms that people that suffer with depression may not even realise what their symptoms are.

You can have a reason to be depressed, but you don't need a reason.

You don't have to have experienced trauma to have depression, but trauma is a factor that can lead to depression. You don't need to know why you are having depressive episodes or sudden mood swings, it isn't always obvious and there isn't always a reason. It is perfectly okay to have a sudden and drastic mood drop for no reason at all that you can think of. As it is perfectly okay to have a reason. It is perfectly okay that an incident at work or school led to a depressive episode, because the reality is that things that happen in your life can trigger depression. And this leads to paranoia, mood swings, sadness, tiredness, inability to get out of bed. Arguing with those close to you.



"I don't understand why you feel like everyone hates you or feel like I hate you"
"I don't get why you can't just make up with her"
"I don't get why you can't just be in a good mood for one day?"


You don't feel this way because you choose to feel this way. You can try and question it all you want, but my brain tells me these things, or I interpret a situation differently from you or how it actually is and theres nothing I can physically do to change that, trust me. I don't hate you. I don't mean to be defensive. I don't mean to offend you because I think that you're bitching about me behind my back. I don't mean to hate my life. But I do. Please help me feel less of a burden by understanding that my brain works in a way that you don't understand.

And more importantly, just because I seem happy doesn't mean I'm okay.

Just because you have depression, doesn't mean you can't be happy.
Just because you have depression, doesn't mean you can't have good days.

I find that people believe you can't have a great day then return home feel so overwelmed with sadness and cry yourself to sleep. Because its so possible and so real to be hit with the feelings even after happiness. Just because I've had a good day doesn't mean I can't go home and have panic attacks due to the thought of being alive for another fucking day.

Depression is an ILLNESS that affects not just your mood, but your personality, sleeping and eating habits, ability to make new friends/relationships, weight, education, work and many more functions of your life. You can have nights where you sleep for 3 hours, sleep for 6 but wake up every hour or get 15 hours sleep. You can have days you don't have the energy to leave your bed or have days where you can't wait to get up. Depression isn't one constant feeling, its a varying intensity of different behaviours or feelings that constanly affects your life.

It isn't beautiful. It isn't to be romanticised. It's snapping at those you love, arguing with those you love, falling into pieces and constantly having to be put together by either yourself or a significant other, its the sleepless teary nights, the panic episodes, the mood swings, the lack of energy and pain that you have to deal with on a daily basis to function and carry on trying to live when you feel as if you're dying.

And people turn to alcohol, illegal substances, self injury, denial, agressive actions, overdose just to relieve the feelings and the emotions to try and cope with the weight of the world. But when you really think about it, can you blame them? Can you blame someone for trying to numb the emotions or divert the emotions even if its for a matter of minutes or hours, because its so much easier to cope with physical pain than it is to deal with emotional pain. Its eaiser to deal with scars than to deal with feeling so overwhelmed that you struggle to breathe or think about anything good in your life.

Depression can change people, but the change isn't always noticable.

People know how it changes them, and try to hide this change so no one finds out or question them about what they're seeing, because admittance is even more overwhelming than the symptoms themselves.

All the work trying to break down the stigma for mental health is great, but it doesn't make it any easier to tell anyone.

It doesn't make it easier for you to sit down with your family and tell them that you think/have been diagnosed with depression, or tell your friends that your doctors prescribed you anti-depressants, or inform your work/school/college about your illness and new diagnosis. Because you run through in your head all the judgement, the sympathy, the change in views that people will have of you because of this. What if you're friends think its a cry to be the center of attention? What if your family think that depression isn't a real thing? What if your teachers think they have to treat you differently? What if your boss thinks it an excuse for time off work?

What if you go to their doctor and even they think you're lying, even though for the last 6 years of your life you've felt sad, overwhelmed, constant tiredness, insomnia, feeling hopeless, feeling guilty, irritability, mood changes, felt like hurting yourslf or had thoughts of ending your life?

Then what?

What if you tell everyone and you end up all alone like you were afraid of because you don't think you can handle being alone. What if they tell you that you can't be depressed because you haven't been to a doctor?

You don't need a diagnosis to be depressed, but a diagnosis can lead you to recovery.

Depression is something that you just know you have, because it's hard in reality to be much else. But if you think you have depression, you should tell someone.

Because getting it all of your shoulders and sharing the pain is the most important thing. Not the anti-depressants, not the therapy, not the hospital appointments or admittances when you fuck it all up.

Sharing your feelings is the drive for recovery, the drive for happiness again because you start to feel like the sadness will go away. Yes there will be times it comes back, because it's a part of you and always will be. But it will get better. It will start giving you a life back, instead of ripping life away from you bit by bit.

Depression tells you that you don't have depression. But you tell depression that you're stronger than depression.

Is it hard to tell us the truth?

The most important thing about depression that no one really tells you is that depression doesn't limit your success. Depression doesn't lead to failure.

Depression isn't the last stop on a train journey. 

Depression isn't the unbeatable enemy.

Depression isn't just in your mind. 

Depression isn't beauitful.

You aren't your depression, depression does not define you.




More Information About Depression / Charities or Sites you can speak to more:

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Symptoms.aspx
http://www.mind.org.uk
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/Mentalhealth/Pages/Mental-health.aspx
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/services_children_young_people/camhs
http://www.depressionalliance.org

Hi!

Welcome to my new blog, where I will be discussing things that people don't talk about often or important things people miss out of important life situations.

Most of these will be my personal experience, mainly about mental health or LGBT+ that i was never personally helped with and dealt with through my life.

I will also post links to websites / agencies where you can find out more or get more help with a problem.

you can also contact my through my (personal) twitter account: @emilygcx or message me.

Thank you!!