The other night when I was sat in my room, feeling emotionally overwhelmed and wondering when all this shittiness would go away, I found myself constantly apologising to my friends for no apparent reason because I had convinced myself that I was being a nuisance to my friends even though that apology was the only thing i'd sent to them that day.
It made me wonder, am I really used to being a burden to people because of my mental health that I find myself apologising before I do anything worthy of one?
yes.
The comments about mental health you see everyday make me feel sick to my stomach. You know the ones, saying that they aren't real illnesses and that its "just a bad day not a bad life." The ones where you make me feel so fucking stupid and pathetic for the fact that some days its physically too much of a task to get out of bed.
But I get how much of an inconvience these feelings are to you.
I get that my feelings aren't as important as yours, aren't as significant, aren't valid.
I'm sorry I have to cancel plans, or I have to rant at you or even talk to you and cling to you because I don't want to be alone. I'm sorry I'm "ruining your mood"'or "not trying" anymore.
I'm sorry that I have to call or text you when I'm having or about to have panic attacks or when I have to text you when I can't control the overwhelming urge to do something stupid or to even stop the thought.
I'm sorry okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I have to live everyday battling with my own mind trying to tell myself that it'll all be okay
I'm sorry that I have to constantly be overhwelmed by small little things that are so easy for you to do but feel like a mountain climb to me.
I'm sorry that I cry myself to sleep or talk myself out of stupid actions until i eventually fall asleep, knowing when I wake up I have to deal with it all over again.
I'm sorry my mental illness is such a burden on you.
I get it, though. I understand that I haven't told you about my illness so you aren't aware that anythings wrong. I understand that I haven't told you that your jokes about "killing yourself because your internets gone down" make me feel so shitty about my life because I haven't told you its an issue I deal with more frequently than I admit to myself. I get that you aren't really affected by mental health on this scale so don't understand what its like.
But it doesn't make it easier for me.
It doesn't make my self inflicting thoughts easier to deal with when you complain about my sadness and emotional state annoying you. It makes it worse.
I know there is nothing I can say to make it any easier for you.
I know its pretty shitty, i get it.
I know its annoying and pretty pathetic of me.
But I don't have a choice.
I can't click my finger and make my thoughts just go away, I really wish I could.
Heck, I wish I could make myself be able to combat my emotions and tell myself it will be okay.
But I can't.
I can't stop the sadness, the anxiety, the mood swings, the thoughts, the behaviour, the denial, the chaneling of my emotions, the panic attacks, the distress.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
I wish i didn't have a reason to apologise, but you want and deserve one right?
