Why I Pretend I'm Happy (And Why You Shouldn't)

True happiness isn't an always an option.

I know when I wake up that the chances are I will have a shitty day which will then lead to some sort of mood crash, panic attack or breakdown. 

All whilst I wear a smile.

Because even though happiness isn't an option, anything but is an inconvenience.

So i just pretend.

I pretend that my mental health is in one piece. I pretend that I have no family problems at home. I pretend that I didn't have a rough night and thats why I'm so tired.

I pretend I'm okay, because it's how I have been told I need to be.

Because when I say anything different no one cares about me.

When I tell you I'm feeling really depressed, you tell me I'm lying and nothings wrong.

But when I tell you I feel happy you believe me and are happy too.

Why do you believe my happiness but not my sadness?

We live in a society where happiness is easier for a person to deal with. We are a race who are so selfish that we don't care when a person feels like ending their life, but we are overjoyed when a person is in a good mood.

So it's easier to wear a mask.

I pretend I'm happy to make your life easier.

I lie to you.

When I tell you I'm doing okay I'm really sat in my bathroom crying my eyes out because I can't deal with the thought of being alive.

When I tell you I'm feeling well, I'm really sat in bed unable to get up because I physically cannot face the day ahead of me.

I lie to you.

I'll put your happiness above mine because I believe that you have a chance in life to make this world a better place and I put your happiness above mine because your smile is as warm as the sun on a hot summers day.

I'll fake a smile because its honestly easier that way.

I'll fake a smile when you insult me "as a joke" then wonder why I've suddenly gone very quiet and reserved.

I'll fake a smile when I feel like I can't breathe in a public place because its so much easier to lie and be fine than it is to open up and ask for help.

It's easier to pretend you're happy, but it fucks you up in the long term.

It gets to the point where pretending to be happy is second nature and that everyone things that everything is so okay that you saying any different would be an attention seeking lie.

And it'd be easier to fake a smile than to tell you for the last 7/8 years of my life I'd been lying to you, and the person you know isn't the person I am.

Easier doesn't mean the best.

Years of pretending turns into a truth where you put everyones problems no matter how small above the demons tormenting you from the inside that are slowly but surely driving you to madness or something more extreme.

True happiness isn't always an option.

But when it isn't, fake happiness shouldn't be an option either.

I may pretend to be happy, but you really shouldn't.

Lets Get it Out There, Lets Normalize Mental Health

We need to talk about mental health like we talk about our physical health, whatever it takes.

So lets get it out there.

For many, many years of my life, I've been living with depression and anxiety and for the majority of these years it's been a case of me not even realising that the feelings I had weren't normal. I've been at a place in my life on multiple occasions where I've thought that ending my life would be the easiest way out. I've self harmed, stayed clean for long periods of time and relapsed again. I've had panic attacks to the point I couldn't physically breathe at 1am in the morning and I've had mood swings so strong that I've been told I have anger issues or I feel like I've shut down and all thats left is a numb ache.

And now, I'm trying to normalise it.

I'm starting to use the actual reasons that I can't go out with people or the reason I suddenly had to leave my friends with little warning. I would tell people that I was suddenly feeling really anxious instead of saying that I had a headache or felt sick. I will tell people that I'm tired because of really shitty insomnia instead of being tired because I "went to bed late."

The best part is that now the majority of people would understand and go out of their way to make sure I'm feeling okay. The majority of people would constantly ask if I'm feeling okay, after they know something may have triggered me or something has happened and my mood had completely changed.

If 5 years ago I told someone that I couldn't go to school because I didn't have the will or energy to get out of bed,  I'd have been told to get up and that there isn't anything wrong with me.

If 5 years ago I told a friend that I was feeling down, they would just tell me I'm being silly and I should just "be happy" like it was that easy.

If 5 years ago I told anyone I was suffering with depression or anxiety, they would tell me I was lying to them.

But now thats not the case.

So it's out there, but lets get it out some more.

Because one in four people in the UK will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life. Nearly 9/100 people will experience mixed anxiety and depression, 3/100 will experience PTSD,  5/100 anxiety. And alone those numbers may not sound huge, but once you start adding all of the mental health statistics together it gets a whole lot more real.

And although these mental health problems can't be prevented, talking about it and promoting speaking out to end the stigma for mental health can make it a whole lot easier to recover and not let your illness control you with a little bit of help.

Don't wait. If something isn't right the go get the help you deserve and need.

Don't leave it until you're crying in your bathroom at 3am and debating overdosing to end the pain.

Don't leave it until you feel controlled by anxiety.

Don't leave it until its too late.

The longer you leave it the worse it gets.

The longer you leave it, the less you feel like you can speak out.

Sitting in silence is one of the biggest mistake you can make, because all it does it worsen your illness to the point it becomes a normality for you to cope and live with it. It's not normal and you shouldn't live your life battling a demon alone. It's not fucking normal. 

Don't do what thousands and thousands of people, including myself, have done and stay in the dark so long that you think the only light may come in the thought of ending your life.

You are worth so much more, and you are stronger than you think you are.

You continue to sleep and breathe and live your life normally even though you're battling an enemy, which automatically makes you stronger than anything your mind tells you.

Everything will be okay.

So lets talk.

Lets not be shy to tell our friends and family that something isn't okay in your mind and you need some help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Call your doctor, talk to someone you trust, even if its just to help you in that moment in time to stop doing something you may regret.  Tell people the things that may trigger you so they know what to watch out for, tell people how you may act when you're having an episode or a mood change. 

Lets break the taboo and stigma once and for all, it's already half broken anyway.

And hopefully one day, we'll be living in a world that mental illness is viewed in the exact same way as a physical illness, because thats what it deserves.

#WMHD 

SUPPORT HOTLINES : 

(USA) http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(OUTSIDE THE USA): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html


MORE INFORMATION:

NHS WEBSITE: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
MIND UK:  http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V9RyJ1dlnVo
CALM: www.thecalmzone.net
SAMARITANS: www.samaritans.org
HELP GUIDE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
CHILDLINE: https://www.childline.org.uk
YOUNG MINDS: http://www.youngminds.org.uk
TIME TO CHANGE: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk

MOVEMENTS/PROGAMS:

TWLOHA: @twolha (twitter/ig/tumblr) / https://twloha.com
BUDDY PROJECT: https://twitter.com/ProjectBuddy
SANE: http://www.sane.org.uk
MGMH: http://www.globalmentalhealth.org