Storms Don't Last Forever

When the rain hits your face, the thunder claps louder with each strike and when the wind howls in the night, you want it all to end.

When you are sat in a storm, you want it to end. You want the rain to turn into sunshine, the hurricanes to reverse and fix all thats broken and the thunder to turn into rainbows.

When you're sat in a storm, you pray to yourself that it won't come back.

You hope and you pray that the rain turns into drizzle so it won't flood your home and you hope the lightning goes away so you aren't shocked from the sky. You hope everything goes okay and nothing hurts you, because the least you deserve is to be protected in a storm.

In the worst of storms you shut yourself away, because thats all you know. You shut yourself away to attempt to shield yourself from the dangers in the world because you want to protect yourself. Prevent risk. Prevent pain.

In a lesser storm you'll walk around with an umbrella and warmer, waterproof clothing to counteract the weather. You'll ignore the darkening clouds and hope they go away and don't affect you.

In the cloudless, blue skies it's all okay.


Your mind is a storm.

When everything is okay, your cloudless. The birds are chirping, the sun will be shining. You'll smile, wave, look forward to a new day. You'll be happy. You'll feel okay. You'll forget the times there was a storm because there isn't a point in focusing on the past when in the present you feel so happy.

When the rain starts to drizzle, you try to ignore it. You hope for clearer skies, for better days, knowing they happen and that they aren't hopefully far away. Sometimes the drizzle and grey clouds will pass and your mind is cloudless again. You can breathe. It's okay.

Other times, the darkness rolls in. You feel a weight on your shoulders as you walk under the greying sky. You feel the drizzle turn into rain and see everyone running away inside, when you can't do anything but carry on walking in the rain. You see everyone leaving even though you can't escape.

Then the thunder. The lightning. The hurricane. The tidal wave.

Then the overwhelming feelings hit you all at once like a lightening storm. You feel weak, you feel helpless. You feel as though you've been struck by lightening hundreds of times but no one will notice because everyone else is inside, protected. You feel as though your mind is a hurricane. All your irrational thoughts whirlwind in your mind, the feeling that you are worthless, unloved, don't deserve happiness, the feelings of unwantedness and the feeling of worry. They all battle with each other, but eventually turn into one large hurricane. Then the tidal wave. Then you're suddenly drowning where everyone else around you is watching you. Everyone around you is breathing and calm and okay when you feel like your lungs are about to collapse and feel like everything is going to end.

You forget a time without a storm. You think your entire life is a storm that will never end. You forget all the happy times, the sun shining and the cloudless sky. This is you. Happiness doesn't exist. You want it all to end. You want to end the storm by ending your life because you believe that it's the only way you'll be able to breathe.

Breathe.

The water slowly drains. The rain slowly stops. The lightning becomes further apart. The hurricane shrinks.

You can breathe.

The sky turns from grey to blue. The sun shines once again and everyone comes out. Or someone helps you in.

The storm passed and you made it out alive because even though at one point you couldn't breathe or see an end, all storms end.

You don't always have to live in cloudless skies.

The storm will pass.

You will be okay.

University and Mental Health

University is a stressful, exciting, fantastic, toxic environment to put yourself into. It's a combination of new things, constant change, work overload, late nights, petty arguments, panic, wonderful adventures and occasions where you laugh until you can't breathe. But it's an environment that will at some point manage to break even the strongest person.

University is hard enough, but going through it with any mental health issue is another thing.

Recently I've been being so much more open about my mental health. I've been (some of the time) actually talking to my friends when I'm struggling instead of sitting alone in my room and panicking until i can't physically breathe or crying until I have no tears left. I've told the people I'm close with (who I've known for probably 3 months now) about the battle I'd been facing in terms of mental health throughout my life, where it took me 6 years to tell my closest friends that something wasn't entirely okay.

But even so, university is one of the hardest things to do when you suffer from any mental health illness.

There are so many triggers in the environment of university. If I were to list the amount of possible things that can cause any symptoms to get worse then I'd probably be typing all night. It's known as it is that students are at a larger risk of experiencing a mental health problem at university, due to the stress, anxiety, panic and overwhelming nature that you experience. The rates of students committing suicide is increasing every year. More students are committing suicide because of debt.

At least one in four students have at least one diagnosable mental illness, with one in three experiencing prolonged symptoms of depression. And half of students have reported their mental health state being poor.

Yes, counselling services at (some) universities are excellent. But that's because they have to be because the amount of stress that students face throughout their time, that at one time at university everyone will feel like they can't cope anymore. Whether it be the amount of assignments, their flatmates and friends, missing their family or worrying about the future, there is something that will be a cause of concern for students.

The main issue with this however, is the fact that many people still don't know the difference between mental health and everyday emotions.

I myself, have depression and anxiety. Being told that these are only slight nerves or just having a bad day just constantly makes you feel pathetic and worthless. If it's only nerves or abit of unhappiness, why do I let it control my life?

It's different however, let me reassure you.

Depression is not being able to get out of bed or fall asleep because you are too numb, sad and tired of feeling numb and sad and tired all the time. It's not having the physical ability to do anything you need to, let alone look after yourself. It's feeling like breaking down constantly and feeling upset constantly without it any getting any better, only worse.

Anxiety isn't about being worried. It's repeating sentences in your head before saying them because you don't want people to judge you if you get it wrong. It's not wanting to sit in lectures alone because you're worried about being judged. It's hiding in your room whilst your flatmate cooks because you don't want to be around people.

It's really fucking hard.

It's a really horrible environment to be in when you aren't yourself. The amount of times I've genuinely considered dropping out in my first term already is genuinely ridiculous and worrying. The amount of times I felt like running away or doing something really stupid worries me. The amount of breakdowns, panic attacks, anger spouts and mood swings I've had in the last three months worry me.

Coming to university is one of the best choices I made but also one of the worst.

Within the first two weeks of university, I had already relapsed and thought about suicide.

And even though since then it's been getting easier, it doesn't make it any better.

Yes, as I said, the services provided at university are there. But that doesn't mean you don't feel really isolated and alone. It doesn't mean you feel like your life isn't bad enough to be suffering with mental health. It doesn't make you hate yourself everyday.

And once one thing goes wrong, everything seems to follow suit.

Once one thing goes wrong, it's hard to stop you completely spiralling and finding yourself back in a mental place you thought you would never experience again.

And before I could try and overcome the feelings myself, I was already through a bottle of wine.

Drinking at university for some, including myself at times, becomes a way of release because you are so overwhelmed by everything that you just want to drink the sorrows away. Alcohol and drugs are everywhere, so many people see them as a release for any pent up sadness and anger, when really the use of them just makes the problem even worse.



Is it really a surprise then, that student life and mental health intertwine like a perfect couple.



Subjected to stress, alcohol, change, anger, debt and deadline after deadline.

There is only one thing you should do when you feel like you're struggling.

Talk.

Talk to anyone, get it all out and seek the help you deserve.


Because university is hard at the best of times, don't let a mental health issue make it even harder for yourself.