Saturday 9 December 2017

When You Are Not Okay.

I have spent countless nights wondering why I am bothering tomorrow when I know it will be as bad as today.

I have spent countless days where time just passes by and where I'm not stepping forward, if anything I'm stepping back.

There is no easy way to admit you are not okay.

There is no easy way to say that you no longer feel happy in a world that collapses around you.

There is no easy way to say you're hurting.

When you've been doing better then everything crashes down, it can be an empty feeling. When you are proud of how far you've come to then seemingly return to square one, it almost feels as if you were rescued from drowning to then be dragged again under the water. You get a sense of freedom, to just be pulled back in.

I often talk about my sadness like drowning. Like you are drowning and everyone is swimming. But it's more than that. It feels like you are drowning in the sense that you are drowning. In the sense that every little thing is that bit too much to keep you safe. Like it is impossible to touch the ground because there is more sadness than there is you. Like my thoughts can be too much and my happiness is then drowned in sorrow.

When you're drowning it's hard to remember that you aren't drowning alone. There are without a doubt other people drowning too, but you cannot see anyone else drowning so you feel all alone. Like you are the only person in the entire world who is drowning.

And when you're drowning, you might not see the people throwing you a life ring. You may be too focused on drowning to see that people are there to offer a hand. You won't see it until you want to.

I'm not saying that someone else will save you. Someone can guide you, someone can help you stay afloat. But you need to make the decision, that you want to get better. You want to stay afloat.

There is no easy way to admit that you're hurting.

There is no easy way to admit that you don't want to be alive.

There is no easy way to admit that you don't feel like your life has a purpose and that you wish it could all end.

There is no cure for sadness. Life is structured in the way that something bad will happen to you and you need to find a way to bounce back. This is not to say that you're pain isn't valid. Your pain is valid. Your pain is valid and people will see that you are hurting and people will understand that it is not an easy thing to be talking about.


My days recently have been constant drowning. Constant breakdowns. Constant thinking whether I am cut out to be at university anymore to do what I love. Constant panic and constant pain. Constant hate of myself.

My days have been one blur.

My days have not been easy.

It is hard to admit when you are not doing okay, after a long period of doing okay.

Taking that step is the most important step you will make.

The first step to being okay, is admitting you aren't.

Monday 20 November 2017

Let's Talk About Mental Health (pt 2)

Mental health will always be an important thing to talk about. There is never a time where it isn't important to talk about it. Whether this is talking about your own health, informing others about mental health or telling people that it's okay to talk about it, any form of talking about mental health is important in breaking the stigma of mental health.

So that's what I'm going to do now.

When mental health first became a problem for me, I had no clue what it even was. It sounds utterly ridiculous, but I never really knew the words depression, anxiety or mental health until I was around 14/15, when really I'd been experiencing these since I was as young as 10/11.

This is what I want to talk about today.

I want to talk about the fact that I didn't understand anything about suicide when I was an 11 year old feeling suicidal. I didn't realise it was even really a thing. I didn't know anything about it, I didn't even know the word. All I knew is that for a while, I wanted it to end.

I want to talk about the fact that when I was in school (from the age of around 9/10) the thought of doing anything wrong gave me unbearably crippling panic and the fact that I wouldn't realise this was due to anxiety until a few years ago.

I want to talk about the fact that the only thing I knew about self harm was opinions of people who said "it helped" until it was too late.

I want to talk about the fact that I had ridiculously unhealthy eaten habits and food mind frame when I was in secondary school, but I knew absolutely nothing about eating disorders at the time.

I want to talk about children and mental health. About the fact that 1 in 20 young children will experience a mental health problem and the fact that many mental health problems start before the age of 14. About the fact that growing up, I had absolutely no knowledge about mental health. I knew nothing. And I'm sure if I knew nothing then other people out there knew or know nothing too.

We are slowly bringing light to talking about mental health, but it still isn't enough. You constantly hear in the news about children ending their lives due to bullying, school pressure, feeling worthless etc.  This needs to change.

When I was younger I saw no way out. I didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone because I didn't really know that something was ever wrong, because no one had said otherwise. I know it sounds stupid, feeling suicidal at 11 and not understand how serious it is. But it happens. It is real and happening both in and out of the public eye.

To me, this is the most important reason we need to talk about mental health. So people out there understand that these feelings aren't normal, not everyone feels them and that there is a support network.

Because here I am at 19, my mental health still in a pretty rough state after all these years.

Giving children a childhood they enjoy is the least they deserve.

Let everyone know it's okay to talk. Love everyone you meet. Be kind, always.


Wednesday 1 November 2017

The Year.

A year ago today was probably the hardest day of my life.

The last year, following suit, has been a very damn hard year.

How it's already been a year since you passed away has managed to amaze me. It's been a weird combination of the quickest but slowest year of my life and I don't think I am dealing with it well yet, but at the same time it's something I've gradually accepted.

Losing someone you love isn't easy but you were the first person I have ever lost and one of the last people I expected to go.

It all still feels like a cruel dream. I expect to see you and still get confused as to why I don't. I hear your voice constantly and it still feels like you're here even though it's been a year.

I wish you were still around so I could tell you I loved you as even though I knew, I definitely didn't tell you enough. I wish we could sit and play video games all the time and I wish I could still mock Liverpool losing as I came to see you on my lunch break. Nothing is the same without you.

And there's nothing anyone can do. That's the issue. We can't just change or do something to make any of this easier because the only way it would be easier is if you were still alive, and if we could do that we wouldn't be in this situation.

The last year has been a rollercoaster. The stability of my mental health has been next-to-none, with waves of not being able to cope and waves of feeling like everything is okay again. I've spent the year pretending that I had come to terms with your loss, when really I was a hopeless mess who still cannot believe that any of this is real.

The sad thing is that it is real. I will never hear your voice again or see your face again. I will never be able to do any of the things we loved to do together. I didn't just lose an uncle. I lost the person I absolutely looked up to for most of my life. I lost the person that I felt like I could be myself around. I lost the person I felt most comfortable around. I lost a friend. I lost someone I wanted to be around all the time. I lost an irreplaceable figure in my life.

People often say that grief gets easier to deal with. They're liars. It becomes less of a thing that eats you away because you learn to live with it, you learn to cope. Losing someone never is easy. It never gets easier to deal with. Here I am a year later, feeling the same feelings I felt this time last year.

I will live everyday missing you. It gives us some comfort that you aren't living in pain anymore. I just really hope we're all doing you proud. I hope you're sleeping tight.

Tuesday 10 October 2017

A Shoutout

This is a shoutout to the person who thought they could not get out of bed today, but did. The person who has to be high functioning when their brain and body is screaming low. To the person who couldn't get out of bed today. The person who tried so hard to function, but the thought of functioning was too much.

This is a shoutout to the person who feels lost in the world. To the person who has no clue what they're doing. To the person who got rejected, the person who lost their job. The person who cannot get work and the person who's mental health is stopping them from doing what they want. The person who is struggling to get by and the person who's job is making them so unbearably unhappy.

This is a shoutout to the person who had their heartbroken. The person who feels like they cannot go on because they left and they were all you ever knew. The person who doesn't feel happy in their relationship, the person who's other half isn't treating them right. The person who doesn't want to be single anymore, the person who is going through divorce.

This is a shoutout to the person battling their fears. To the person who did something they never thought they could. To the person too scared to go out of their comfort zone. To the person who is happy as they are.

This is a shoutout to the person who hates to look at themselves in the mirror. To the person who is full of self confidence and to everyone and anyone in between.

This is a shoutout to the person who cannot sleep. To the person who sits up all night worrying. To the person who sleeps constantly because they cannot deal with being awake. To the person who wakes up constantly throughout the night and then feels more tired the next day because it's so hard to sleep.

This is a shoutout to all the men who were told to "man up" or told that they cannot feel sad because they are a man. To the men who feel like they cannot share their emotions, to the men who feel isolated and vulnerable. To the men who need to know it's okay to talk to someone when they aren't feeling themselves. To the men we lost to suicide because they didn't think they could talk.

This is a shoutout to the person who kept going. The person who wanted everything to stop but kept on pushing through. The person who is pushing all the thoughts of giving up to the back of their mind and carrying on like nothing ever happened. The person who had to talk themselves out of stupid things and to the person who is tired of doing so.


This is a shoutout to the person currently lying in a hospital bed. The person who tried to give up but weren't entirely successful. To the person that is in patient. The person recovering. To the person we lost their fight to mental health. To the person we miss so dearly.

This is also a shoutout to the friends, the family, the people who care. To the person who was always there for you when you needed a helping hand. To the person who stayed by your side through all the bad and remained there during the good. To the person who loved you regardless of your wellbeing. To the person who brought out the best in you and reminded you that you are wonderful and deserved to be loved.

This is a shoutout to the person who told me they loved me. To the person who wants the best for me. To the person who sees beyond all the hurt and the broken. To the person who knows people are hurtful and the person who understands I am like how I am because there is only so many times shattered glass can be vaguely put back together.

This is a shoutout. This is a shoutout to everyone who has ever needed to feel loved. To the person who is spreading love. To the person who is fighting and the person who is helping them to fight. Keep going. You can do it.


//

#WorldMentalHealthDay2017

SUPPORT HOTLINES : 

(USA) http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(OUTSIDE THE USA): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html


MORE INFORMATION:

NHS WEBSITE: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
MIND UK:  http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V9RyJ1dlnVo
CALM: www.thecalmzone.net
SAMARITANS: www.samaritans.org
HELP GUIDE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
CHILDLINE: https://www.childline.org.uk
YOUNG MINDS: http://www.youngminds.org.uk
TIME TO CHANGE: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk

MOVEMENTS/PROGAMS:

TWLOHA: @twolha (twitter/ig/tumblr) / https://twloha.com
BUDDY PROJECT: https://twitter.com/ProjectBuddy
SANE: http://www.sane.org.uk
MGMH: http://www.globalmentalhealth.org

Sunday 10 September 2017

I Was Made For Living (WSPD 2017)

A year ago today, I was sat as I am now, writing a post about World Suicide Prevention Day. I spoke about suicide in a rather objective way, listing facts, information and describing suicidal thoughts as they are. I sat expressing that suicide isn't a cry for attention (it isn't, btw. just saying) and was full of encouragement and I spent most of the post trying to persuade even one person out there to stay alive.

What I didn't talk about much a year ago today was myself.

How a year ago today I was sat, persuading someone to stay alive, a few weeks after I myself had attempted myself.

Not long before I had written my post a year ago today, I had had enough. I wanted it all to end and I took the steps to do so. I am just grateful that I hadn't done enough to be successful.

I didn't want to die. I really genuinely didn't want my life to end. I just wanted the pain to stop. I was trying to find a solution to a temporary problem that would have ended alot more than just my pain. It would have ended my pain but caused pain elsewhere. But at that moment, I didn't care. I just felt like I couldn't carry on ripping myself to pieces and finding myself in a form of pain what felt like constantly.

A year ago was a long time ago. A year ago I was in alot of emotional pain and heartbreak and I couldn't talk myself through any of it. A year ago I was an emotional, anxious and tired mess who self harmed an unhealthy amount to try and make it all okay. Even though now my mental health still is a huge impact on my life and wellbeing, I'm now just under 6 months clean and feeling better about myself. A year ago I never would have said I would now be 6 months clean, because a year a go self harm was one of the only things I felt I had to temporarily make me feel okay. After 5 or 6 years of self harm, it is now so nice to say that I haven't returned back to my old habits and I have less and less urge to do so as the time goes on.

But feeling better doesn't mean I am okay. I am not in the slightest okay. Alot has happened in this year that has really affected me, but I survived. I am alive. My mental health was pushed further than it probably ever had before, but I am doing so much better than I was a year ago. But doing better doesn't mean you don't get bad days. Even though I may not have attempted suicide, I have had days where I thought that was the only option. I've had days where I just wanted out. I've had days I'm not proud of. I've had days where I thought I was at square one. But I am not.

World Suicide Prevention Day is an important day for me. If a year ago I had succeeded, I wouldn't be typing these words today. There would be memories I would never have made, people I would never have met, games I may never have played, shelves I would not have stacked, places I wouldn't have driven to and assignments I wouldn't have written. If I had succeeded a year ago, I wouldn't have gone to university. I wouldn't be a level 1 qualified football coach. I wouldn't have gone to Malia or Berlin. I wouldn't have seen my favourite youtuber play one of my favourite games. I wouldn't have been around to write, talk and create things surrounding mental health. I wouldn't have been able to advocate mental health as much as I have done this last year.

Suicide is an awful thing.

Being suicidal is an awful thing.

It is a vulnerable, terrifying and unforgiving place to be in. But if you can battle it. If you can fight it and win, there is so much in the world that will make you happy you did. Even if you don't believe so, it's out there.

Do you really think a year ago I thought I'd have been excited to move into a student house and start my second year of university? Or a year ago I thought I'd have gone on some amazing holidays with people I love? Or a year ago I thought that I'd be 6 months clean and actually be happy to be alive?

800,000 people a year successfully commit suicide each year.

I know my words may not "turn on a light" for a person who is in a suicidal place. I know that, because I've been there. Heck, I still am there. There are many days I cannot bare the thought of being alive and I will not listen or believe anyone who says anything otherwise. I often dismiss anyone who says it'll all eventually be okay because there is no factual proof that states that it will be.

But a few words can change a life. Tell people you love them and care about them. If someone you love, someone you know, or a stranger look like they need it, tell them you care. Compliment them. Open your arms and let them know you are there for them. It's easy to think that no one will care about you if you leave, so by telling someone otherwise it will hopefully make them that bit more reluctant.

You were made for living.

You were made for making mistakes and trying again. You were made for all the happy tears, the sad tears, the painful tears, the grieving tears, the excited tears and the proud tears. You were made for second chances. You were made for staying. You were made to make an impact on someones life, and  you are doing that. You were made to be a voice. You were made for forgiving and forgetting. You were made for making memories. You were made for falling down, getting up and carrying on again.

Take a minute. Change a life. Whether this be taking a minute to tell yourself you are worthy of life or taking a minute to tell someone you love and care for them.

Suicide doesn't stop the end the awful feelings. It just eliminates any chance of it getting better.

And it will get better.

A year ago, I relapsed badly and swallowed too many pills. A year ago I was in a complete state because it felt like my world was falling apart and I didn't want it to fall apart anymore. I woke up the next morning in my bed, in pain, feeling rough, ill and feeling like everything was absolutely awful because I was still alive and I really didn't want to be. A year ago I thought nothing would get better. I didn't think anyone cared about me. I didn't think that my life was worth living and I didn't want to stay around to find out if that would change.

A year later, I look forward to new days. I am happy that I am alive. Even though I am still battling, I am glad to be doing so. I get anxious, I hate life, I hate myself more often than I love myself, but I'm happier because I'm doing it whilst wanting to be alive.

You were made for living. If you give up now, you will miss the chance to see what life has in store. It will all be okay. It doesn't feel like it will all be okay, but it really will all be okay. Reach out, get support, keep on fighting.

It's okay not to be okay, as long as you're not giving up.




40 people per second commit suicide. There are many charities that you can turn to if you are in need of any crisis support. 

For more information, for help or for instant help or support, follow these links:


SUPPORT HOTLINES : 

(USA) http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(OUTSIDE THE USA): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html


MORE INFORMATION:

NHS WEBSITE: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
MIND UK:  http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V9RyJ1dlnVo
CALM: www.thecalmzone.net
SAMARITANS: www.samaritans.org
HELP GUIDE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
CHILDLINE: https://www.childline.org.uk
YOUNG MINDS: http://www.youngminds.org.uk
TIME TO CHANGE: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk

Thursday 17 August 2017

On Doing Better

It wasn't too long ago when I found myself at one of my lowest points. In fact, the person I was at the start of 2017 is a completely different person to the person writing this post today.

It'd be easy to assume that I was still in a really bad place, because on a daily basis recently I've found myself having multiple breakdowns and panic attacks or I've found myself struggling to cope with anything. Outwardly, I still come across as a complete mess. But the only reason I'm this much of a mess is because I'm doing better.

The concept of me doing better but acting worse is one that won't be understood unless you have been there before. Or unless you knew the real person I was a few months ago. I spent most of the month of March locked away in my room. I missed all but a few lectures, completed assignments scruffily and in a few hours because I mentally couldn't do them well and the few times I socialised was because I was drinking and because I was drinking, I was in a slightly better mood mentally. The thought of having to wake up the next morning actually broke my heart and I didn't want to do anything for a long time.

An awful month for me took its toll and one night right at the end of the month saw me re-hit rock bottom, with what easily could have been me going to hospital after a few too many drinks, some really stupid things and an uncontrollable anxiety attack hit. I woke up the next morning and couldn't stop wondering how I'd let myself sink back to such a terrible place, and about how lucky I was to still be in slightly one piece in my own bed.

It was almost like a wake up call. I have been fluctuating mentally for a good 7/8 years now, telling myself it'd all be okay soon. But of course it wouldn't, why would anything get better unless I wanted  it to? How could I properly recover without the want, the need and the motive to?

I don't want to say I had a "huge revelation and it automatically changed my life". Because one night didn't completely change my outlook on life. One bad night didn't make me love myself (I still don't) and one bad night didn't make all the bad thoughts just go away. An awful night just gave me little a wake up call. A wake up call would have meant absolutely nothing unless I did something about it. Unless I made some changes that would help me to finally start fighting back, to find some happiness again.

And it hasn't been easy. I cut out a toxic coping mechanism that I had been addicted too since I was 14. And so many times I wanted to fall back into it like every other time I tried to do run away from it. But when I made that choice then, I was genuinely in a better place without knowing.

It sounds stupid, me not knowing I'm in a better place, but still having nights like that. But the whole reason that night was especially bad was because I completely had fucked up what I thought was the start of a "new chapter" in my life. It was bad because I couldn't control it after a few shitty events and waaay too much wine.

But I was in a better place. This time a year ago, I wanted it all to stop. I didn't want to be alive anymore. But here I am, alive. And now, I go to sleep with the thought that I will wake up tomorrow and no matter how bad that day was, tomorrow will be a new. I look forward to it, in a way. I want to see what life has in store for me.

That's where the whole "doing better but not really doing better" is emphasised. Yes, I still am very similar in to how I was a year ago. I still don't like alot about myself, I get really bad days and my anxiety is probably the worse it's been in my entire life. But now, I want the days to come. I don't wish the days away and then wish I don't wake up the next. I wake up and smile.

I know that now, I can actually fight off any bad thoughts. Temptations of relapse are still very prevalent, but I now find it so much easier to fight them off and stay strong. I haven't had a genuine suicidal thought in a long time. I haven't had to completely argue with my brain in a while. My mood swings aren't as bad. Any voice I used to hear has completely quietened down.

I constantly ask myself, what if this will never become okay? What if I'm like this forever?

The truth is, it's already becoming okay. I can see myself in 1 years time having even less mental fluctuations than I'm having now. Telling yourself that nothing will be okay is really easy when it's all you know. But coming to the realisation that you are okay feels rather odd when you definitely aren't okay.

No one is happy 100% of the time. No one is perfect. No one is completely okay.

And I'm sat here at 1:30am, coming to the realisation that for the first time in a long time, everything is looking brighter.

Because this week for me has been hard. In the last 8 days I've had probably 10 panic attacks, including two absolutely awfully draining ones. I've cried more times than I think I have in the rest of 2017. I've slept for so few hours that I'm surprised I've been able to move each day (and have started taking tablets for this). I've insulted myself more times than I can count. I've wondered why I was having such a shit time when I thought I was doing well.

The truth is, I'm having a hard time because I'm being strong. I've lost my coping mechanism, so I'm struggling, but this only is making me stronger.

Because this week, on top of all the bad thing mentally, I've been happy. I haven't laughed this much in a long time. I've cried happy tears. I've spoken to people who make me genuinely excited to get up in the morning. The little things I've done have been on the whole, great.

Everything has a silver lining.

Even though the last days have been a bump, everything is okay. I'm okay. It's nice to finally admit to myself that I am in fact, doing better.

Tuesday 8 August 2017

A Routine of Surviving

After falling asleep at 3am, I'll find myself waking up at least 4 times from then until I wake up, usually around 9am.

I'll wake up tired, with a headache from the amount of times I've woken up.

I'll lay in bed for 20, 30 minutes to an hour, contemplating moving. "Today is going to be awful, just stay in bed" I'll tell myself, before physically pushing myself up and out of bed. I'll probably yawn, spend a while moaning about how tired I am before I start to get ready for my day.

No matter what I'm doing during the day, I'll have the same thoughts in my head. Whether I'm at a lecture, at work, out with friends or simply sat on my sofa watching TV, I'll be thinking about how I cannot wait to get back to the comfort of my bed, where no one will judge me for moping around and attempting to sleep. I'll eat, take some medication to try relieve myself of headaches or anxiety or whatever the issue is on that day (usually both), and go about my daily life. I'll go around with dark circles under my eyes and a complete weight on my shoulders that gets harder to carry with each step.

I'll get home, tucked into bed and feel completely relieved that I'm away from social interaction, from the constant fear of the unknown and judgement from everyone around me. But this fear is replaced with a sadness and a knowledge of the lack of sleep I'll be getting that night. I'll fall asleep late.

The cycle starts again.

It's frustrating.

It's frustrating to have no energy all the time, whilst acting like you are completely full of life. There's no motivation to do anything, you have to force yourself with all your remaining energy to go and do whats needed to be done, whether this is to do with work, education, exercise or simply having a bath or making something to eat.

It's near impossible, you want to give up. But you don't. You carry on and each day you get that one bit closer to actually living instead of being stuck in a routine of simply surviving.

And if simply surviving is the best you have right now, then it is definitely fantastic to do.

Because you aren't giving up. The second you give up is the second that everything starts to get worse, to become overwhelming. And even though it is unbearable, by surviving you're telling your brain that even though it is unbearable, that you can deal with it.

You can cope with all the anxiety, you can cope with feeling completely worthless. You can cope with the noise and you can cope with every negative thought that is thrown your way.

Your head may only just be above water, but it's still there.

Everyone says that you want to "live not just survive", but if at the moment all that is possible is surviving, then you are living by just doing that.

I'm there, I understand. It's really fucking hard to see everyone around you happy when you are sat thinking that not waking up tomorrow wouldn't be the worst thing that's ever happened to you. It's so hard to have absolutely no energy to do anything you love, because all your energy is sapped through a lack of sleep or being drained by doing nothing.

It's unbearable to feel like a ghost in a room full of life, but you need to remember that however ghost-like you feel, you are still one of the bodies full of life.

Right now, I'm surviving. I'm barely sleeping, I'm taking anti-anxiety medicine, I'm barely getting through the day. But soon, it'll all be okay and I know that now.

Because it's okay not to be okay, as long as you are not giving up.


Tuesday 18 July 2017

High Functioning

It's hard to be high functioning.


I wake up, I'm sad. I'm sad and don't want to get up, but I do. I can function. There is no reason for me to not get out of bed, because I physically can.

I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired even though I've had 9 hours sleep and some form of caffeine this morning. I yawn and moan the entire day, but I continue because I physically can.

I'm anxious. I wake up panicking for no explicit reason, then find more reasons to panic as my day carries on. But I try to block all the thoughts and I carry on. Because I physically can.

I'm meeting up with friends. I'm talking, laughing but in the back of my mind I'm feeling something that I don't want to be feelings. I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling paranoid. But I continue to talk and laugh, because I physically can.

I'm in class or a lecture. I'm contributing, I'm paying attention. I feel like I'm learning. I'm passing my exams, doing well in my coursework. But it's not enough. I'm tired. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I can't physically finish the assignment due tomorrow, but I do.

I'm at football. I'm laughing, I'm having so much fun. I'm playing the sport I love. At the same time I'm paranoid at every little mistake I made, worried people are laughing at me. But I continue to play.


The thing with a high functioning mental illness, is that it's masked by a stigma that people with these illnesses are completely shut down, at rock bottom and unable to physically do anything. It's losing interest in what you love, your grades and attendance dropping. It's you being the opposite of who you are and staying in bed all the time. Which yes, mental illness can be. But it isn't always.

For me, it's never been completely like this. Yes, I've had periods of low functioning depression, most recently me missing near enough 3/4 weeks of lectures and lab classes in march. But for me, it's really rare. I am hardly ever low functioning, and I don't know why. Maybe it's the anxiety forcing me to get up and out of bed because the consequences of me not are too high. Maybe it's just that I'm so used to being sad that it's just a personality trait now.

And to many, I probably seem like I'm living a wonderful life. I have wonderful family and friends, I'm doing things I love and I am succeeding in things. Which, in reality, I am. On the surface, my life is pretty great. But that doesn't stop the mental illness to hold me back, slowly trying to break me.

It's really hard to be high functioning.

People don't believe you. People just think you're abit moody or upset because of something that's happened. They don't believe me when I say I'm not going out because I've had a panic attack, or that I'm abit quiet because I can't stop my head from going crazy.

 Because why would they? It's not like I'm obviously going through hardship right now. I'm laughing, I'm happy. I'm up, I'm about. I'm not fitting in with the model of depression or anxiety, so why would anyone for a second believe anything to be wrong.

Why would anyone expect me to be tired for any other reason than a late night? Why would anyone expect me to feel ill for any other reason that I'm abit under the weather?

Do you blame them for thinking it's all okay? No.

But because they think you're okay, you tell yourself you're okay. You convince yourself that nothings wrong with you, that its all in your head. You don't go and see a doctor or therapist and get the help you need because why would they believe anything is wrong with you when you are acting like a "normal" person.

It's scary isn't it? Because anyone you know right now could be in the same situation and you wouldn't know. Not everyone fits the symptoms.

There are people out there who do not fit the symptoms but still have the illness. And it's so important that we remember that.


Sunday 9 July 2017

Holidays, Anxiety and A Fear of Flying

Holiday's are highlights of peoples years, usually. What's better than a week or two away from all your work, education and friendship/family/relationship stresses that you have to put yourself through for the other 50 weeks of the year.

Usually at the airport, you're absolutely buzzing. You cannot wait to get through security and onto the plane and into the air, so you can finally relax.

When you have a fear of flying, this is normally different.

For me, this isn't just being scared about the plane journey itself.

2 weeks (at least) before I even start packing, I have already decided that I won't make it to my destination. I have decided that either I won't make it to the airport, something will happen during check in or that simply the plane will crash. Or on the way home, the same series of events will happen and simply I will never see my family again.

You can tell me a million times that the chances of you being in a plane crash are around 1 in 17 million or that things like this happen so rarely that its the reason they make the news. I won't listen to you, I will be convinced it will end in disaster anyway.

We arrive at the airport, and whilst you are all happy and excited, I'm stood there quiet, the dread building as I think through the process in my head. I check I've got my passport (even though I checked 4 times before leaving the house and 6 times in the car) because I've probably lost it. I'll go through my hand luggage again a few times, because even though I've emptied my bag 5 times before now, I've probably forgotten some liquids and I convince myself that i'll get arrested for that. I'm convinced theres something in my suitcase that I'm not allowed to have and will get arrested (once again) or that my bag will get lost.

We walk to the gate, I'm convinced I've lost my boarding pass. I check 100 times, then think I've lost my passport. I'm worried that, even though I've taken my travel sickness tablets, I'm going to be sick on the plane, which will panic me even more and make me even more ill. I'm worried i've left something in the airport or that I'm at the wrong gate or that even though all my friends boarding passes are okay, mine for some reason won't be.

And then we're on the plane, and I'm panicking. This is it. This is how i die. The take off panics me to an extent I can't even portray, any small turbulence feels huge to me and I start to panic that the wings been blown off. It's torture, completely shattering. We touch down and I'm worried we've crashed. I run off the plane when I can because I'm just so happy to still be alive.

Then the holiday can start right? Wrong.

Anxiety doesn't leave me on holiday. If anything, it's actually worse. I'm in an unknown place, surrounded by unknown people. I'm paranoid about money constantly and worried that someones going to steal all of my things. I get anxious about walking around in summer clothes and I get anxious at the thought that everyone is staring at me and judging me.

I get panicked that I'm going to end up in hospital or end up alone somewhere I don't know so I'll be lost forever. I normally stress myself so much that I'm constantly tired and find it hard to move, and so I miss more of my holiday than I want.

I've paid to come away and relax and I just end up doing the opposite.

Don't get me wrong, I have a great time when I'm away. I make some amazing memories with my friends and have a chance to sit and do very little for how ever long and I get to (on the whole) relax.

But when I feel anxious, it's completely awful.

And my personal issue, is that I tend to try and drink my anxiety away. A few drinks will calm me down, but then I won't stop. And I don't stop til the point I can't control my actions, I'm anxious again and I'm leaving a night out early because I can feel a panic attack coming, which then happens when I'm sat in my room drunk, tired and upset.

Holidays cause my anxiety to skyrocket. On average, I'll have a panic attack around once every 2 weeks, but when I'm on holiday I usually have 3/4 in 7 days, around 8 times as many as I do when home.

Once I'm relaxing, I never want to leave. When I'm calm, I'm happy. I feel like nothing is wrong in the world and that things are amazing.

Until anxiety comes across, which then goes to ruin it all.

Monday 5 June 2017

Summer Body

With summer soon approaching, the sun is shining, the beers are out and everyone starts to count down til they board a plane and go on holiday. Pools, cheap food and bevs and a sun that doesn't make you want to cry, what isn't there to love about a holiday? It's a getaway, a chance to relax and forget about your life for how ever long you go for.

But with holiday season, comes a season I dislike. It comes the season of body shaming, lack of confidence and uncomfort.

With each passing year, I seem to see more of a "I need to be holiday ready" attitude spreading. A complete push for weight loss and healthy eating completely kick starts in this period, which don't get me wrong, isn't the problem here. Everyone wants to try look their healthiest before holidays, especially after stress of exams (for us students) or a hard years work for the people in full time work. The year always gives you weight gain that you really don't want.

My issue with the whole concept lies where body shaming begins.

There's a significant difference than working to lose a few pounds and shaming people for not being your idea of a perfect figure.

Even if you simply Google "summer body", it comes up with COUNTLESS tutorials on how to get a bikini, summer or beach body, many of which contain weight loss tips and tricks. One of them is even called "hot to get a hot body" which is just weight loss stuff. Which is fine (the title however, is not okay). If people want to lose weight, gain weight or remain the same weight, that is wonderful. A person should be able to do what they want in terms of their own body.

So heres the thing. All bodies are summer bodies. It's genuinely that simple.

It's time we stop shaming people for their size, and start appreciating people for more things than how they look.

It's time we stop comparing each other. It's time we spread the fact that everyone is unique, beautiful and can pull off any clothes they want. Because there is genuinely no reason why a person can't wear what they want and look fantastic doing it.

It's time we stop congratulating a friend for losing a few pounds, it's time we stop shaming if someones gained a few pounds.

For some reason, our culture is obsessed with the idea of perfection, without anyone actually knowing what perfect is. You can be any size,and you'll get shit from someone. Someones a clothing size or two smaller than you? Don't tell them they need to gain weight or skinny shame in any way. Someone's a size larger? Don't tell them they need to lose a few pounds. The only thing you should say about anyone elses body is positive, complimentary vibes. You don't know what people are going through, they might be a size you deem to be "perfect", but inside they hate their body and want nothing more than it to be like yours.

You want to wear a bikini? Put one on and look fantastic. You want to wear shorts over your swimsuit? Go for it, you look wonderful. You don't feel comfortable showing skin? You still look great in what you're wearing.

In a society that is so obsessed with shaming everyone else, the next generation will grow up believing that they are not perfect, regardless of how much they change their appearance. It's the exact same for men and women too. Don't laugh at one of your guy friends for "not having enough muscle", because at the end of the day, the only person who should care about how they look is the person themselves.

How to get a perfect body you ask?

Wear what you want with a smile, go on holiday and be yourself. Because nothing is more perfect than yourself. Put on that swimsuit, wetsuit, bikini. Put on those shorts and tshirts. Put on whatever you want with pride, because you look damn well amazing doing so.

Don't be the person who laughs at other people because they don't fit into your view of "beautiful." Nothing is better than giving a person a compliment and making them feel so much better and more confident about themselves. Self love is the most important type, and by reinforcing the fact that everyone should just rock themselves, it will eventually lead to a society much more positive and healthy, than the toxicity we are in now.

Monday 29 May 2017

On Recovery

Taking the step towards recovery is one of the biggest steps you'll ever take. It takes alot to decide that you're going to do whatever it takes to get better. It takes alot to come clean and say you need help. And many people attribute this to needing to recover for a loved one.

Recovery should be for yourself. 

Yes, people will benefit from you getting better. Your kids may live better lives, your mum may not spend her days worrying about you and your best friend will get to remember the friend you used to be.

But you need to recover for yourself.

Not for your family, not for your friends. Not for your partner and not for your colleagues. Not for the customer you served today and not for the people you pass in the street. Not for the author of the article that pushed you towards recovery or for your favourite singer or band. Not for the therapist who is aiding your recovery.

Recover for yourself. Recover for the 7 year old you who always dreamed of growing up a famous singer or dancer or footballer. Recover for the you who worked hard to get all the grades they needed to eventually get their dream degree or job. Recover for the you who smashed all the interviews they went to for work. Recover for the you in 10 years time, who will look back on this and be happy they survived. 

Recover so you can wake up happy and are excited to start the day. Recover so you can do the basic things you could once do easily. Recover so you can sleep at night and actually want to wake up the next morning. Recover so you can take that step closer to loving yourself and loving life.

Recover so you can breathe again. Recover so you can see your future in a positive way, instead of quietly hoping that your future doesn't exist. Recover for your health and well being. Recover so you can help other people get better too.

Recover so you don't have to lie to yourself every morning when getting ready for the day. Recover so you can feel comfortable in your clothes and in your skin. Recover so you don't feel the need to cover up all the time to hide things and recover so you accept the person you are. Recover so you don't feel guilty every time you say you're okay, when inside you feel like crumbling.

It won't be easy.

You won't just wake up tomorrow a completely better person, whether this be in relation to eating disorders, anxiety, depression or addiction. You won't suddenly be a happier, healthier person. You don't have "transformed" overnight from one simple choice. The voices won't just stop. No recovery from any mental health problem will be easy.

You'll have to fight with yourself alot. You'll have to rely on others to help you through situations that a recovered you will soon be able to do yourself. You'll have bad days. You'll have them alot. You'll continuously have mood swings and really low moments. But this time you'll fight it off. You'll eat the apple, you'll get out of bed. You'll refrain from hurting yourself and you'll refrain from breaking down. You'll do it, be proud of yourself for staying strong. The next day, you'll have the same arguments with yourself, and you'll fight it off again.

You'll relapse. You'll think you're back to where you're started from, when reality you're further towards recovery than you ever were before.

But soon, it'll get easier. Bad days get far and few between. You'll find it easier to beat the bad days, you'll find it easier to block the negative you out.

We are comfortable with familiarity, so the idea of relapsing back into your old self is tempting, but once you become familiar with a happier, healthier you, then it'll be so much easier to be the person you want to be.

Continue to fight when it seems pointless and continue to fight when you don't feel like fighting anymore. Continue to battle when you feel like you've lost the war and when people are telling you it isn't worth it.

Recover.

There is nothing better than getting better. You need to get better.

Recover for yourself, open a new chapter and no matter how much you fall just keep getting back up again.

I promise you, it will all be worth it.

Sunday 14 May 2017

You, My Mental Health

You lock me up with shackles on my wrist, and when I think I've freed myself, you lock me back up again.

My mental health, you won't leave me alone. It's like you're a heavy weight strapped around me that I have to pull around everywhere I go.

When I look in the mirror I don't see me. I see an act, a mask I hide behind because the depression gives me a face I do not recognise or want to see.

You have told me I'm this broken person, a lesser human being who doesn't deserve the world. We have a toxic relationship I cannot free myself from, because you always find your way back.

You are every overused metaphor about the feeling of drowning, all combined together and living inside me.

You pick out the flaws inside and out, reminding me of every last detail I hate, forgetting all the qualities I have.

I'm like an old doll, once loved now thrown away, left there to rot day after day Like a balloon released into the sky, who would continue to do nothing until I'm way too high.

And you grab me tight and pull me around, it hurts from my head all the way to the ground, as you slowly shape me into something I will not recognise.

You plague my thoughts all the time, like what if me walking here is actually a crime? What if the words I said to my friend 3 years past, are still in her mind and forever will last?

I cannot go to a doctor or talk on the phone, my anxiety prevents me from doing anything alone. I cannot leave the house without a fear that I'm being judged and it brings me to tears.

You bring me tears when I try to sleep at night and I grip onto my hair and I pull it so tight, because it hurts less to do so than listen to your voice playing in my head. Every time it plays it brings me dread and I feel like I'm being stabbed with pieces of lead as my face loses colour and I forget words once said.

You bring me to tears as I neck down some booze, thinking I have nothing else to lose. As I drink another glass of wine and think back to a time where I was happy, smiling and free and a person I want to be.

You, my mental health, bring me misery. You are why I can't conquer the world, I fall at first chance. I feel like the world has just stopped and I'm stuck in a trance.

As I lie awake at night, anxiety at it's height, wondering when I will once again get a good nights sleep, before thinking of thoughts that are ever so deep.

Like what would it be like if I wasn't alive? Would everyone prosper, be happy and thrive?

Or would the sky remain grey with easy passing day? Would the stars still shine? Would you see light of day? Would your mind stay clear, even though I turned you away? I always wonder, would you be okay?

Would you be okay if I told you now, would you listen to me or would you raise a brow? If I told you I was unhappy, what would you do? Would you tell me you love me or want to start anew? Would you stay or would you leave? Would you hate me forever because you cannot believe.

Dear my mental health, I blame you for this. I cannot mend myself with one simple kiss.

Please release the chains, they're ruining my inside, please leave me alone I am too tired to hide. I'm too tired to fight your intruding thoughts, I'll instead sit here with the one you brought.

All the lies running round inside my head, as I lay up all night crying in bed.

What did I do to deserve a brain that hates me? A brain that wants to constantly battle and let evil thoughts run free?

You may seem stronger mental health, but be aware I can fight too, the only loser here will be you. One day I will win, this I know. I'm already getting better, and one day you will leave my mind. So hopefully soon I will find some happiness and love, of myself and of my life.

Tuesday 9 May 2017

On The Importance of Bo Burnham's Comedic Genius

"Being a comedian isn't being an insensitive prick capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public, it's being a hero!"


Comedy is a wonderful way for both the listener and performer to express emotions and "escape" for however long the show in question is. It is a wonderful way of expressing ideas in an engaging manner that allows individuality and freedom of an artist. It is also a way to express opinions about the depressing world we live in, in a way deemed acceptable by many, and it is a way to reflect on the society we are currently in whilst laughing and joking with others.

I remember the exact moment I first listened to Bo Burnham. After a fire at our university (long story, #foundersfire) one of my best friends on my course was staying in my accommodation whilst hers was closed off due to the blaze. We had a wonderful conversation around the youtube, comedy and music we liked, which is when she told me I had to listen to Bo. We then for a few hours proceeded to listen to his songs on youtube. At first listen, I thought he was cool. I wasn't overly paying attention to the music I must admit, it had been a long day and I was rather tired and thinking about waking up at 7am the next morning. But I enjoyed what I was listening to. It wasn't until a few days later however, when I was listening to his material on my own that I realised how insanely amazing it was.

Bo is a, what I like to call, "musical comedian", where the majority of his comedy comes in the form of songs, skits and music/theatric related pieces. I had always been a fan of the combination of music and comedy, so once I had really started listening to Bo, I was awe struck.

Many comedians now-a-days just focus on events that happen in their daily lives, that none of us will ever probably experience, or stories that probably aren't even true or silly little make up puns. Not that this is a problem, obviously. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for comedy in all forms and even the worst joke usually gets me laughing until I'm crying.

But Bo is different. His shows are precisely constructed over a long period of time and then performed in a one hour time slot. He thinks very precisely about every movement, every note, every word and every light that the show entails and makes his overly-practised shows seem like they're spontaneous as far as he can.

The main reason however, that Bo in my eyes is such a wonderful comedian, is his content of music.

As many of you may know, I am one for mental health, sexuality, gender identity, equality etc. I am constantly advocating my views for these on social media, to my friends, around university etc and I am very passionate about topics such as this.

It is topics like this, that Bo includes in such a wonderful way that has made me love his comedy.

It is extremely difficult to find a balance between serious and calm in terms of these topics, but Bo does it near perfectly. In the majority of his best songs, he incorporates a message or advocation somewhere, whether it is the songs main focus or a line or two in the song.


His songs are catchy, interesting, different and so real. He touches upon such a vast array of topics that you never would really think about until heard. Bo has a way with words that I haven't seen in any musician to date. His voice incorporates an unserious tone, making the most serious of songs feel more lighthearted like they were made to be. And his talent in all these ways shows, with him being the youngest comedian to have a comedy special on Comedy Central (at aged 18). He is open about a love-hate relationship with the internet and life in general, not being afraid to call out problems with the world, especially with celebrity culture. In his song "Straight White Male", he touches on the issue of how the world is hard if you are a woman, a person of colour, LGBT etc in a very clever way. By highlighting his joke, petty issues like getting spam emails not marked at spam, compared to women wanting rights, LGBT+ wanting kids etc, he brings to life actually how "easy" life is for certain people, compared to out-groups who are still fighting for rights they should've been granted long ago.

Bo Burnham to me, is something in entertainment I had wanted to find for a long time. He is real, honest and not afraid to say anything he feels on stage. He says things that many of us are afraid to say aloud, especially when it comes to the topic of social media and the impact it has had on the world. His comments on social media, whether that be in interviews or in his performances, highlight the world we have been sucked into, where everything online seems better than it does in real life. Or how we rely on others to make us feel loved. A prime example of this is "Repeat Stuff", a dig at modern pop music and it's blatant copy and paste of each song, with a few different lyrics and tunes. "cashing in on puberty and low self esteem and girls desperate need to feel love" is a perfect example spilling the truth on pop music. I'll even admit myself, my main One Direction fangirl days revolved around me needing to feel like someone "cared" about me, and that's what their music did (still does not even sorry) to me.

An aspect I love is how he talks about not fitting the person he wanted to be. An almost encore to Make Happy, shows this in its entirety. "hey look ma I made it, are you happy?" and "you're everything you hated, are you happy?" show that happiness doesn't come from fame, from pleasing others. It comes from being what you want to be.

But, what I believe to be the most important factor in his shows, is his messages throughout, whether hidden or straight out. Even though the majority of his skits and songs (actually, probably all of them) contain a message, his words, phrases and actions throughout the performance itself, portray Bo's feelings itself, whether intentional or not. In "Make Happy", he contains a short segment before the finale, expressing his opinions in a no lights, actual talk with the audience, inadvertently trying to persuade them to live their life without the judgement of others. He acknowledges his role as a comedian, leaving Make Happy's ending with the bittersweet line "I hope you're happy", arguably referring to the fact that he knows his job is to make others happy, even if its at the cost of his own happiness. His performance has different metaphors that lead to different interpretations, meaning it is arguably different for all, an aspect I also love about his shows.

In the finale to the "Make Happy" special, Bo "mimics" a rant by Kayne West to reflect his own life. Within the 7 minute song "Can't Handle This", Bo portrays the metaphor of struggling to fit into the mold of what he wants to be, and constantly being overwhelmed almost at this prospect (or at least that's how I interpret it), shown through a "silly" metaphor of Pringle Cans and Burritos, "I can't fit my hand inside of a Pringle Can" / "I wouldn't have got half this shit if I knew it wasn't gonna fit in the burrito". Emphasising the metaphor, Bo emphasises that he wouldn't have gotten into his career if he knew how his health would've been impacted. Further on in the song, he almost argues with himself, singing "I want to please you, but I want to stay true to myself. I want to give you the night out that you deserve, but I want to say what I think, and not care what you think about it", publically saying that he wants to be his own comedian, but also wants to please his fans.

In the same song, my favourite Bo lyrics of them all. "I don't think I can handle this right now. Look at them their just staring at me like come and watch the skinny kid with a steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself." By diving more up front into his personal issues, Bo straight up says what performing is doing to him. What it is to him. As a comedian, his daily involves making people happy. People (me included) pay to see him and other comedians as escapism and a way of feeling happy. It is obvious this would take its toll on anyone, but you never really think of a comedian feeling sad or experiencing mental health difficulty, which they do.

His finale in "what." also conveys a wonderfully powerful message. "We Think We Know You" comes from the perspective of people judging him without really knowing him. The song even starts with three "people" (prerecorded voices" right out speaking to him and making judgements of who he is "it's cause you're an arrogant prick". The song is a performance in itself, carefully constructed and acted to make a masterpiece worthy of ending a performance of a lifetime (seriously, watch the damn thing.)

Also, wanting to give a mention to Left Brain, Right Brain (I'm a psychology student, pls), From God's Perspective, #Deep, Sad and Lower Your Expectations, for all once again, being masterpieces in their own right. But the final piece I want to touch upon is one from his "Words Words Words", the first special he aired (Comedy Central ftw), ART IS DEAD.

Art is Dead is not meant as a comedy piece. It is a short, fast paced song that highlights what it actually is to be an artist. At the time of this, Bo was 18, so lyrically, the song is perfect to what Bo would have been when writing. He would've been rather new in the comedy field at this point, thus highlights the whole "comedian" thing that someone would dream, the money, the attention.
He constantly refers to money in this piece "some people think your funny, how do we get these peoples money" / "the show has got a budget, and all of the poor people way more deserving of the money won't budge it, because I wanted my name in lights, when I could have fed a family of four for fourty fucking fortnights", and arguably portraying how unfair society is in the way that people are willing to spend millions on a show, when there are many people homeless and impoverished in society. My favourite line of the song comes in the form of "my drugs attention, I am an addict, but I get paid to indulge in my habit." Many people have bad habits that keep them feeling somewhat okay, whether this be drugs, alcohol and more. But Bo highlights how he is encouraged to partake in his addiction, by writing specials.

Bo Burnham is a genius. I said it. His words have genuinely changed how I view the world (urgh that's sappy). Even though I knew people aren't always as happy as they seem, it to me, highlights that even famous people feel this way. Bo has opinions, and unlike others he chooses to express them. As time passes, his songs contain more real world and mental health metaphors, showing his decline in health as he carries on. But his songs to me mean so much more, in ways I cannot really describe. I constantly am listening to them and singing along, because I feel the things he portrays. It just clicks and sits right with me.

And even though in his song "Kill Yourself", he highlights how you shouldn't rely on celebrities to make you feel happy and that one song can't fix everything, his music does to me. He does to me. He makes me feel better than I have done in a long time, because of his personality, his words, his honesty and his presence. His focus on mental health "suicide is an epidemic and I don't wanna be misconstrued, signs of depression go overlooked, so if you're depressed then you need to book a therapy session", world hate "who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn't be a dick", and LGBT+ "wears a cape made out of a rainbow flag" (+ straight white male), is something that is SO important to me and has really helped my recovery from depression and anxiety.

Bo Burnham is important.

I love you Bo (well the idea of you) and I hope you're happy.


"you're everything you hated, are you happy?"



///\\\

Watch Bo's Comedy Specials "what." and "Make Happy" on Netflix, it's worth it.
You can also listen to him on Spotify: https://play.spotify.com/artist/2Waw2sSbqvAwK8NwACNjVo?play=true&utm_source=open.spotify.com&utm_medium=open

Twitter: https://twitter.com/boburnham

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/boburnham (or type his name in)

Tuesday 2 May 2017

The Importance of Self Care in Exam Season

Exam season.

The time where students across the country spend a few months revising until 3am, completing past papers like their life depends on it and worrying that they're going to fail and ruin their entire lives because they didn't know the middle name of Henry VII's cat or how to work out the angle of X in a quadrilateral with no further information.

Whether SAT, GCSE, A/AS Level or Uni level exams, it is a horrible, stressful and tiring time for all. Whether you are worried about scraping the C in maths and English, or worried that you won't get the needed many A*'s to get into Oxford, all the overwhelming pressure on exams leads to a few months of hell for students.

I for one, know this feeling well. Studying for 10 hours a day, constantly pestering teachers and friends for help, being put down by the past paper you a U in when your exams in 2 weeks (yes, I'm indirecting you GCSE Additional Maths). I also find myself struggling to sleep, feeling so tired and lethargic that the stress makes me ill and even eating an unhealthy amount less than normal, when really I should be eating more. Feeling bad for getting up to speak to your mum for 5 minutes because its 5 minutes less you'd been revising. Getting stressed trying to decide what needs revising first. The actual revising, then realising you literally remember nothing of what you wrote down 20 seconds ago.

Exam season for me, is one that is bad for my mental health, naturally. The added stress and panic means a complete increase in levels of anxiety that, especially for my AS levels, led to too many panic attacks and breakdowns.

For me, my best simply isn't good enough. My 196/200 UMS in AS Psychology wasn't good enough. Why didn't I get the full 200? Obviously I was over the moon with my grade, but I know for me and many others that anything we do and whatever we get isn't good enough. There is always something telling you that you could have done better, whether this be your parents, friends, classmates, your dream university or yourself. This is the problem with exams. Doing your best isn't enough. You have the whole stress of having to relearn a years content, knowing the structure of writing an essay, the actual build up the exam day, sitting in an exam hall in silence not knowing what will come up and then the discussions afterwards. If that isn't bad enough (with the added anxiety of spending 2 months thinking about your results, then results day itself), you always have someone who's done better than you, someone who is upset you didn't do better, even though you did all you could.

Exam season is full of anxiety. It is full of anger and demotivation and stress to the point that during the last few exam seasons I've had, I've been at the worst mentally I had for a while.

This is why I find it especially important to be making sure that you take care of yourself during exam season.

For many years I put my grades before my health, both mental and physical. I know I did. I looked more tired each day that passed, I was noticeably losing weight, I was really really ill and any progress in terms of recovery I had made were ruined in this time, because I was so stressed, anxious and sad that I couldn't carry on trying to recover as well.

This year, it's going to be different.

Because when you start stressing because of exams to the point your health is poor, you start stressing even more which leads to your health getting worse.

And it does get to a time where you have to stop, accept you're doing as much as you can do and breathe.

Breathe.

Take one second to think about how far you've come. You've gotten through the year of hard work like you've got through every other. The fact you are even doing these exams is wonderful and an amazing place to be.

You learn better when you are healthy, calm and mentally okay. You may feel guilty by taking an hour or a day out of revising, but by giving yourself this break you are allowing your brain to rest so you don't overload yourself on information and tire yourself out.

You need to do the things you love to do on a normal basis, even though circumstances are different.
Want to go on a night out? Go, let off some steam. Want to meet up with a friend? Go on a day trip? Sleep all day? Read? Do it. Do everything you love and everything you do that makes you feel happy to make sure you are staying calm in the most stressful part of the year.

Make sure you continue to look after yourself. Make sure you're getting the right amount of sleep, eating well, showering, exercising and drinking water. A healthy body leads to a healthy mind, which helps you learn and helps with exams in itself.

Make sure you are organised as well, you don't want to realise the day before your exam that you don't know the room or you don't have the right equipment. Take plenty of breaks when studying, to refresh your brain and stay awake. Make a revision timetable. Plan studying around when you work best and avoid any bad habits, like staying away from goals.

Remember, you can only do your best.

I know that's a phrase that you are constantly hounded with, even I find it hard to accept. We are all socialised to believe we can do more, we can get a better grade, but realistically we cannot give 100% all the time. We physically cannot always be working to our optimal and that is okay. Do the best that you can physically do, taking in the circumstances. If that means doing 2 hours of work, then that is okay. And by setting realistic goals, it is much easier to do that. Whether this be during revision or grades for certain exams, make sure you aren't going to be significantly disheartened because you couldn't get a top mark, when realistically in a certain subject you struggled in, your best mark may seen average.

If you are extremely worried about exams, don't be afraid to talk to someone, whether this be a friend, school councillor or a friend. It can help to get your feelings out.

And put it all into perspective.

One bad grade won't ruin your life.

Because you didn't get a high grade in one exam of the many you have taken and will take in your lifetime, it doesn't mean your life is over. One bad grade won't get you kicked out a school/college/uni. If you miss grades to get into a uni, it isn't the end of the world. Wherever you end up you will have fun and learn.

Exam success doesn't define you. A grade doesn't define you. Because you couldn't pass GCSE maths, doesn't mean you are a failure and that you aren't smart. People are good at different things and just because theres something you can't do, that doesn't make you an idiot. Your talents are what you should focus on. Maybe you are a fantastic painter. A top athlete. A singer. Maybe you can't do English but you are a science whizz. The things we forget is that we can't be good at everything. But we can excel in a few things. Employers won't care about your grade if you aren't going into a relevant field. And they'll also care about you as a person, don't forget that.

And once an exam is over, you cannot do anything about it.

You've come this far and you're doing great. Keep it up. Look after yourself.

Don't stress too much about a one hour exam that won't matter in a few years time when you are doing bigger and better things.

Tuesday 18 April 2017

Let's Talk About Thirteen Reasons Why

*Notes, Spoiler Alerts.
 PS, alot of this is rather negative towards parts of the show, if you're even going to bother to publically be shitty about this then just stop reading now. These are MY opinions from the perspective of a person who has previously been in a very similar place to Hannah, so the whole "i bet they don't even understand mental health" shit doesn't apply if you don't agree, bye.
PPS, links at the bottom if you are ever in need of help in regards to mental health / suicide.*


As many of you may know, 13 Reasons Why is a novel released by author Jay Asher, which has now been made into a 13 part series on Netflix. (Before I properly start, I love Asher as an author and human being, cool)

It tells the story of Hannah Baker (Played by Katherine Langford) and ultimately why she decided to commit suicide. The focus of the story is based around 13 recorded tapes, that explain why she made this decision. These tapes are passed around her classmates who made up the reasons. But this story is "told" as Clay Jensen has the tapes, a person unlike everyone else in the story. It is represented on Netflix through 13 episodes, one for each tape, each episode an hour or so long. It is also rather addictive.

13 Reasons Why (TRW) was a book I read and loved as a child. But when I was reading it all those years ago, I didn't have an understanding like I do now about mental health. The book was published when I was 11. I read it aged 12. At this point in my life, I didn't know what mental health, self harm and suicide even really was. I didn't think it to be a "thing" that people actually did. But now, I know different. And with mental health being a topic I am highly passionate about, when I heard about the series I was highly expectant of it's portrayal of a topic dear to my heart. Also on that point, reading it so young meant i didn't really remember what happened. So I was excited to refresh my memory.

And even though I did enjoy the series, I have mixed reviews of it. Yes, it got me completely hooked and led to a binge watch (when I should've been studying for my degree but whatevs first year doesn't count right?), but there are parts of the portrayal I loved and parts I just didn't agree with.

So here it goes.

First things first, I want to talk about my absolute favourite part of the series, which is probably not really spoken about enough if I'm honest. Hannah's parents. 

The thing about wanting to die, is the belief that everyone would be happier without you being alive. For many people, you think you are more of a burden to people than any form of worth, and that you'd be making people's lives better if you were gone. You might also think that no one would miss you or even realise you weren't alive.

And that is what I love about the series. The acting of Hannah's parent's is absolutely commendable. Yes, it is obvious that other characters too are feeling the same anger and grief, however it is mainly seen through her parents constant emotional display that completely pulled on my heart strings. It's one thing being told that the effects of suicide are real and bigger than you will realise, but to see how her parents and friends lives were shattered and affected by her suicide I personally believe is such a needed portrayal in society, and really fucking hit home. You often convince yourself that no one cares about you, but this just showed that people do. People do care about you, and it really makes you think again about putting these people through such horrible emotions and horrible times. I don't think I could ever understand what parents in that situation must be going through, but the show portrays it in a way that tries to tell the story.

Another thing I actually liked was the layout of the series. I liked that it was one episode per tape. I loved how Clay paused the tapes and then everything around him carried on. I loved how it wasn't solely focused on Hannah all the time. It flowed so well and at this point I give a shout out to Clay Jensen (played by Dylan Minnette) for not rushing through the tapes, and telling the story so fucking well. I loved how past Clay/Hannah and present Clay matched up together at certain points (like the scene at the car crash or the basketball match). It brought the story to life in a way that words alone couldn't do. It was wonderful and so well done. My only issue was the whole one hour episodes thing, because it dragged the story on certain peoples tapes on way longer than it needed to, but I guess that's more binge watching time.

Right. Now lets go onto my negatives.

Lets start with Clay. Ah Clay, a cute little innocent guy, who just loved Hannah Baker. This point isn't actually about Clay himself. I loved Clay, I thought he was great. He was real and awesome and you could tell how much this was affecting him and I was so damn worried about his mental state for so long, I was convinced he was in the ambulance (if you're reading and didn't want spoilers, I warned you). He says my favourite line in the show, "Everyone is just so nice until they drive you to kill yourself". He wants to make everything known to the world like it should've been, especially with Bryce. I admired Clay as a character.

What I hated was the "I cost a girl her life because I was afraid to love her" line. Now let me stop you there. No matter what any of the characters or people in this world thing, LOVE DOES NOT SAVE EVERYTHING. Why is the message that love conquers all even linked to this. I personally feel like it tries to hint at the whole, if someone finds love they won't want to commit suicide idea, which just isn't true. Yeah, love is wonderful, but it doesn't fix your thoughts. It doesn't make your mental health suddenly any better than it was when you weren't in love. People in love still commit suicide, because  feelings of suicide is a complex, horrible thing that doesn't have one easy solution. Neither does mental health.

This kinda brings me onto my next point. Mental health in the show isn't mentioned directly and it should have. No, you don't need to have a mental health difficulty to have suicidal feelings. That's not what I'm saying. But many characters have obvious signs of some sort of problem/addiction, that I personally felt should have been addressed. Alex showed signs of being suicidal (yes i believe he shot himself in the head, fuck this whole it was Tyler shit), Justin was abused at home, that was kinda brushed off. Hannah was probably suffering from some form of PTSD (Jessica may have too) and probably depression. I also think Clay has symptoms of (social) anxiety. But not one of these words were even mentioned.

A show that was so passionate about teenagers mental health and suicide prevention, I personally believe NEEDED to have said these things. A person may be sat watching thinking that they had similar symptoms to a character, realise they may have a similar or the same mental health problem, and then talk to someone about it. Because at the end of the day, that is a huge part the show should be playing. Also, there was a significant sub story surrounding their underage drinking and alcohol/drug abuse that was also brushed off and in my personal opinion, didn't even make it seem like this was a problem. And it damn well should have. Because, kinda speaking from experience, reliance on alcohol to make your problems go away is a very bad thing to do, which can easily turn into an alcohol addiction to make everything okay. Which it doesn't. I can vouch for that.

Another shorter point. Yes, TRW, thank you for having trigger warnings on the episodes with rape and with Hannah's suicide. They were so needed it's unreal. I knew from the start I couldn't dare to watch the suicide scene, so when I knew it was coming I was able to find out the timings and skip it. However, I personally think a few more were needed. The episodes with Hannah laying dead on the basketball court I think needed a TW. Ones with abuse of Justin I think did to. And a few more did. But they weren't there and I felt really shit and uncomfortable and mentally not okay for a while after watching certain scenes, all because of the lack of a warning. I know, a show about suicide is going to be rather triggering, but I still don't want to unexpectedly see a girl with cut open arms appearing on my screen. It isn't okay.

My final and probably biggest thing about the series was Hannah's portrayal. At a writing level. I think Katherine did a wonderful job as Hannah. But at a character level, honestly, parts made her seem like a whiny little bitch. Yeah, I said it. Obviously I'm not saying she was, because I said at the start, I know what it's like. I know how much words can slice you down, how every little thing bundles up to a point you just cannot do it anymore. But, she was portrayed at many times as an attention seeker, a liar ("why would a dead girl lie?". By the end, some characters understand (kinda) that she wasn't attention seeking, but once again, this wasn't properly addressed. It adds the fuel to the fire about suicide being selfish, and that is not okay.

 My main issue though for this point, was actually the tape system. This isn't something I actually active hated until I spoke to a friend after finishing. Look, I know it's kinda the whole plot of the book and series. It's a nice creative idea yes, but not realistic enough. Not that it had to be, it just was portrayed too realistically (dw, I know what I mean), for me to be able to look past it and be like, yeah okay I can roll with it. Also, I hate, hate hate hate how she didn't leave her parents a note. It's bad enough that her parents have to go through this, let alone do it without closure from Hannah. THEY deserved closure and some answers. Personally, I don't believe the people who hurt her deserved it, if her own parents weren't getting it. And the whole "everyone hears everyone elses tapes" doesn't fly by me either, because that makes it into a game of pass the blame, which also shouldn't have happened. Why? Because the only person who I personally believe was to blame was BRYCE FUCKING WALKER, who didn't even hear the tapes. Oh, and suicide isn't a game of "who did it". You hear me?

All of this, makes Hannah seem abit bratty. Who would put her friends/old friends through the pain they went through? Why on earth was Clay/Alex and even Jessica etc put on the same fucking set of tapes as Bryce. Surely she knew that it would push them over the edge. Because it made me feel awful, and I wasn't even involved (obviously). You wouldn't put the people you love through that, you just wouldn't.

And I'm not saying that what happened to Hannah was in any way okay. I said earlier, I know how much words and actions hurt. How badly pictures can ruin your life. And I cannot imagine how awful witnessing a rape and being raped must have been. I would never wish that on anyone, I have so much respect for all rape survivors I cannot even put it into words. But I cannot convince myself that anyone could realistically record these stories onto the tapes and get the people that "hurt her" to listen, because truth be told, they're probably all emotional messes as it is.

Hannah could and should have been portrayed abit better in my opinion, that's all I'm saying. Because, Hannah Baker, "You're good and kind and decent. And I didn't deserve to be with someone like you. I never would. It would have ruined you. It wasn't you. It was me" and "Why didn't you say that to me when I was alive" are two quotes that I wish you had never said. Because it makes me really angry, that you didn't want to ruin Clay, but then proceeding to put him on these tapes (surely you knew it would have ruined him). And you cannot say he "killed you" for leaving a room after you told him to fuck off a good 3 or 4 times. Come on, please.

And that's where I'll end off the ranting.

I'll end it there for a few reasons, but mainly because, despite all the problems I had with the show, I still think it needs to be watched. Not because "it shows people that words really hurt" because if you didn't already know that then you are a complete ignorant asshole, but because I really think the aftermath of a suicide needs to be shown. It just needs to be. People need to visually see that suicide leads to horrible consequences, whether that be guilt if you played a significant part or grief because you lost a love one. Because seeing (especially the latter) this portrayed can honestly hit people in a way that words simply cannot, and here I speak from experience.

Yes, it has flaws. But those are my personal opinions. People have different perspectives, I get that. Some people think it did a wonderful job of expressing it's points, I personally think it could have done better. Mental health and suicide are topics that, even though the stigma now is breaking down for, are just not talked about enough. This show opens the topic to people that may not have understood it beforehand, it gives a message that I have not seen often enough in the media and that is something I respect. I respect the fact the show spoke to psychologists and even people who had experienced this kind of thing, to make it as realistic as possible. Justin Prentice (who plays Bryce) even says how devastating the script was to him, but how he felt he had to play it as best he could so viewers saw the message and understand that it's okay to talk about this. On the whole, the etiquette of everyone involved was wonderful and I am SO thankful that they went through this process.

And even though I felt abit let down by the series, I am so thankful it exists. I hope it sends around the message that suicide is never the answer and that it is okay to talk about this kind of thing.

PS, massive shoutout to Tony. I loved Tony, he also looks like Bruno Mars. He is genuine, a good stalker (shade to Tyler) and a fantastic friend. The coming out to Clay scene was my favourite bit of all 13ish hours. It was wonderful 100/10.




// If you ever feel suicidal and are in urgent need of help, this website contains a list of suicide hotlines for all the countries in the world, no matter where you are, help is avaliable. http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

For more information about mental illness and suicide, visit www.mind.org.uk or www.childline.org.uk. 

Do not be afraid to talk about it. It'll all be okay. //

Wednesday 5 April 2017

A Letter To My Closest Friends

To my Closest Friends.

To the ones who I have spent countless hours messaging and calling because I want to talk to you even though I just saw you 2 minutes ago. To the ones who have carried me home after one too many drink and the ones that I've carried home for the same reasons. To the ones who have given me laughing fits so hard I couldn't breathe. To the ones who calmed me down in midst of a panic. To the ones who believed in me. To the ones who are always there. To the ones I haven't spoken too in a few hours and to the ones I haven't spoken to in years.

This one goes out to you.

Thank you for making me feel less lonely in a horrible, isolated world.
Thank you for being there for me when I needed you, and thank you for letting me be there for you too.

The world can truly be a horrible place. But you have made it better. You have made the world look even a little bit better. You have provided a light in a dark cave, a sign of hope when all felt lost. You have made me feel at home, whether I'm with you or not.

Friendship is a wonderful thing.

The happiest I feel is when I'm with you. Whether that's going to theme parks, drinking together, playing football together, talking together or even texting over the phone. When I am in contact with you in any way, I feel happy. I feel wanted. I feel loved.

So thank you.

But also thank you for sticking to me. At times, it's probably been a challenge. I know I could be a better friend to you at times and that I have a habit of pushing people away.

Thank you, for pushing your way back in, or even refusing to leave.

Thank you for loving me at my worst like you do at my best. Thank you for all the little things. Thank you for replying to my texts, for getting me a drink, for offering to drive, for bringing me food because I'm too unwell to move. Thank you for introducing me to new things, for calming me down if I'm angry, for making me laugh on the days I need it. Thank you for the sleepovers, the shopping dates, the hugs, the laughs. Thank you for carrying me home because I had waaay too much wine. Thank you for buying me shots to cheer me up (yes, i appreciate it really).

Thank you for being the person I needed when I needed it most. Thank you for all the differences we have in hobbies and music taste. For the banter. For making me adopt your stupid phrasing like I'd spoken that way for my entire life. For smacking me back into reality when I needed it. For reminding me that I am not the enemy I think I am at times. For making me realise the truth. For being the sense of reason. For giving me something that made me feel like I was more than just me. For letting me be a part of something bigger than myself.

And thank you, for the big things. For being my emotional support when I was arguing. For helping me up when I fell. For being there at the time when I couldn't face the world. For being there when he passed away. For supporting me as much as you can when I called out to you. For not leaving me when I hurt you. For not leaving when I hurt myself. For not leaving when all I wanted was for it all to stop.

Thank you for being there when I felt like my life was falling apart. For when absolutely nothing made sense in my brain. For when I had all these things to say but all I could do was sit in silence and feel sorry for myself. Thank you for sending me classworks/notes when I was too anxious to go to lectures. Thank you for understanding my state and almost adapting your behaviour to make me okay. For going out of your way when I needed someone. Thank you for staying when I fell apart to you. Thank you for making me realise that people actually cared about me. For making me realise that people would stay, even when I was convinced that everyone would leave me eventually.

Thank you for everything you are doing to help me. And thank you for letting me help you. Thank you for telling me things first. Thank you for coming to me when you needed help with your relationships. When something had happened and you felt weak and lonely. When you wanted a night out to get away from everything. For helping me understand how to help others, which would then help me understand how to help myself.

You are all truly amazing.

So this is to you, my closest friends.

A thank you. A thank you for being the rock you have been to me. Whether we've been friends a few months or nearly 16 years. Whether I haven't spoken to you for a while or whether we are currently speaking right now.

Thank you for getting me through this. I truly could not be doing it without you.