Monday 23 January 2017

To Better Days

Here's to the better days.

The days where waking up isn't a chore. The days where happiness is genuine. The days where you can go out in public without the fear of everyone judging you. The days where you don't worry about your weight. The days you feel like you're living instead of counting the days until you die.

To be free of the days the days that will replace the mental illness. To the days free from struggles. To the days where you don't feel worthy of recovery. To the days where you don't overthink your happiness away. To the days where you aren't battling with your mind to do things you'll regret doing. To the days where you lose all hope. To the days where you don't let your illness conquer you.

To be free.

To the better days.

To the days of smiling and laughing until tears are falling from your eyes like raindrops fall from the sky.

To the days where nothing anyone says matters because you aren't concerned about what others think of you.

To the days where time means nothing because you're having so much fun that it feels like it will never end.

To the days where you're living instead of surviving.

You never know whats round the corner.

You never know if tomorrows the day you get a promotion, you fall in love. You never know if tomorrows the day you will finally and slowly start to feel better about yourself. You never know if tomorrows the day that you ace that assignment, if tomorrows the day you finally figure out what you want to do with your life. If tomorrows the day you get over the heartbreak. If tomorrows the day you make up with someone you lost, if tomorrows the day you have the confidence to reach out for help.

To better days.

To the days where you are happy to be alive.

To the days where you look back on the thoughts you are having right now and are proud of yourself for getting past all that hardship because it allowed you to see the beauty of a today.

Because these days will come. The day will come where the rain gradually turns into sunshine and you realise that the storm actually does end. The day will come where you finally go to the doctor, you finally open up to someone and get the weight of the world off your shoulders. The day where you can finally breathe after suffocating in silence for so long.

Even if those better days aren't right now. Even if those better days are only a glimpse and even if the road to better days is bumpy and full of relapse that makes you feel like you're getting back to stage one. Even if the road to better days is taking years and years so your progress is masked by the length of the suffering.

Some progress is better than none.


Your present isn't your future. Better days are ahead.


Everyday is a chance at a new. The sun will rise and we will try again.

Better days are on the horizon.

Please, be around to see them.

Thursday 12 January 2017

Cycle

Cycle


Anxiety is a cycle.

I know that especially recently, my anxiety has been especially bad. I know that in public i've been clasping my phone that bit tighter, i've been trying to block out everyone around me that bit harder, i've been more concious with my actions to avoid embarrassment.

I know that.

I know that like I knew this wasn't normal. I know that like I know I really should go to a doctor to get the help I need to fix all of this.

But that's the whole problem isn't it?

If my anxiety is getting higher and higher, my will to call a doctor is getting lower and lower.

If i can't cope with doing anything new that bit more, if I can't go to a new room at uni without leaving 30 minutes before I need to be there because I'm worried about being late, if I'm ignoring great opportunities because I'm anxious of meeting new people, if I'm that bit more anxious about even walking in public or moving around people, then how will I be able to do anything?

Everytime i make a phone call, my heart rate accelerates and I feel the pounding in my chest. My breathing increases, my head hurts, I start to shake, I'll mess up my words. I'll put the phone down midway through it ringing at least 4 times until I will hold on until the person answers the phone.

If I cannot make a phone call to a friend without having a mini panic attack, how can I call that doctor?

I once nearly didn't go to a doctors appointment about an injection that my mum booked for me, because neither of my parents could come with me.

I lost money from my car insurance cashback because i couldn't physically make a phone call.

I once went into work when I was too ill to even get out of bed because I couldn't deal with the anxiety I had from the thought of phoning in.

Do you see where this is going??

The longer I put off calling the doctor, the worse the anxiety gets.

The worse the anxiety gets, the longer I put off calling the doctor.

It's a cycle.

It's a vicious cycle that I found myself a part of and theres nothing I can do to stop myself from falling deeper into a pit of sadness and anxiety because my anxiety and sadness mean I can't do anything about it.

Its a cycle.

It's a cycle thats hard to be free of.

I wish one day that I can be.

Sunday 1 January 2017

Dear 2017

Dear 2017.

I have high hopes for you, 2017.

No, these hopes aren't based around the events of last year because frankly the only thing that you two share is the fact that I am living you both.

I tell myself every year that "this will be the best year yet" and 9 times out of 10 find myself highly disappointed about that year, that chapter of my life.

But 2017, this is the first year I am not full of false hope.

This is the first year that I'm optimistic that it will be a fantastic year.

And let me tell you why, 2017.

The last few years (especially last year) have been very hard for me.

My mental health reached an all time low in these last few years. Many times in these few years, I thought it had won. I wanted out. Part of me still does.

But I am alive. I survived.


I have had to go through grief (and did a poor job of it) in this last year.

But I survived.

I've spent the last few years confused about my sexuality and been very very upset and worried about who I am.

But I survived.

I survived.



2017, in these last few years, i've done nothing more than survive. And this year, i believe with all my heart that you will be the year that I feel alive.

I for one, hate the idea of waiting to a new year to make the changes that could be made whenever. But for this, 2017, I felt it was best to wait for you because I can use 2017 as a new chapter of my life.

The chapter of happiness.

I believe I am finally in a place for recovery.

I understand so much more about both
mental health in general and my own mental health than I did in these last few years. I know my triggers, I know how to control them. I know how best to calm myself when I feel anxious, how best to make a depression storm past.

I am surrounded by people who can help me. I cannot do this alone and I now am surrounded by so many people who I can trust and open up to. I have people I can go to when I need someone to talk to, rant to, to cheer me up, to talk me out of relapse.

I have made sure I've cut out toxic people. I've made sure I'm not surrounded by those who make me feel worse about myself. Those who caused my depression and self harming to get worse. Those who do not love me.

I am more confident. I am more willing to reach out for help. I have come to terms with my sexuality.

I'm ready 2017.

I ready to finally free myself of the sadness that has controlled me for so long. I am mentally prepared for relapse. I am ready to defeat anything that stands in my way to start beating my mental illness. Whatever it takes, I will do it. I am ready to finally show the person I am instead of the mask I wear everyday

Because its time to turn my life around.

And it will be with your help 2017.

This chapter will be the best one yet. Thank you.

Yours Truly,

Emily x