The moment I realised that my depression had driven you away was the moment I realised that I had been taken away to.
The moment that you simply couldn't handle the mood swings, the clinging, the part of me that told myself you hated me even though I knew it wasn't true. The moment you had enough of the person you believed me to be when really the person I am was screaming from inside because I needed you more than ever and I knew you were done.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't have left. Part of me doesn't blame you. Part of me knows that if it was the flip side and you were the one struggling, I would get annoyed eventually at the way you acted. I would get annoyed and think about leaving because part of me would convince myself that our friendship wasn't worth it.
But that's the difference you see. I would've thought about it. You went through with it.
Did you at one point ever stop to think that I needed you? Like when you needed me? Do you remember that I was there for you constantly when you were struggling and at your worst because I was your friend and that's what I was supposed to do. For part of our friendship, I put your happiness way above mine and when I needed you to return that love, you decided my needs were too much.
Did you ever stop to think about the consequences of that action? Did you ever think for one second that arguing and leaving me at a time I needed you would make all of the thoughts and emotions in my brain ten times worse than they already were? Did you ever consider the fact that I was obviously at breaking point, but you still felt it appropriate to complete the final blow that would break me into thousands of pieces?
Do I not deserved to be loved at my worst like I was loved at my best?
At my worst I may not be the smiling, pretty sarcastic and bubbly friend that I can be, and I know that. At my worst I pushed you away. I couldn't bare to face you or be anywhere near you because I was too afraid to show you a side of me that I couldn't accept myself. I didn't want you to see the part of me that was hurting because I didn't want my pain to hurt you to. I didn't want you to see my struggling because I knew you were struggling too and I didn't want to make it any harder on you.
I was hurting inside and you decided the best course of action was to leave.
I knew you were leaving and I opened up.
I was low and I opened up.
I opened up like you wanted me to. I told you everything. I told you that I was not okay and that theres something not quite right with my brain but you still fucking left anyway because the fact you were the cure for my pain didn't mean anything to you. You still left because even after all the tears, the pleas, the begging you to stay didn't mean anything because you never cared about me in the smallest way. You left because you didn't want it to get any better.
I was never good enough for you.
For you it was okay to leave because "i drove you away", because it was just a reason to leave me, a reason you'd probably been hopelessly searching for.
It was like part of you wanted me to hurt, wanted me to spiral, wanted me to be so unhappy that part of me actually forgot what being happy actually was. Part of you wanted me to feel numb, unloved, lonely, worthless. Part of you wanted the depression to get worse, the anxiety to heighten to levels so high that every time I leave my room my heart beats ten times faster and ten times louder.
You wanted me to break. You wanted me to cry. You wanted to break my recovery. You wanted me to suffer. You wanted me to be alone again. You wanted me to feel low.
You wanted to blame me.
You wanted this to be my fault so everyone left me and I was all alone.
You wanted me to be the bad guy, you wanted me to feel like I couldn't go on.
And you won.
You made me into a person I never thought I would be. You made my mental health state the worst it's ever been and you can't even reply to my messages or look me in the eye anymore, and it's probably not from the guilt or the sorrow. You won't look into my eyes because you know it would hurt me more this way.
You knew how to break me in ways I didn't know I could break myself.
You knew that I absolutely admired you, and you suddenly taking that away would tear me into so many pieces that I wouldn't know how to put them back together.
You were the hunter, I was the mark. You waited patiently for the right time to shoot me down because you knew I was most vulnerable at that moment.
You took who I was and left a shell of myself. You left me broken, you left me needing love.
But I guess its all my fault, because I completely drove you away. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Thursday 23 February 2017
Thursday 9 February 2017
Rock Bottom
You know when you've hit rock bottom.
For my friend it was when she called me at 3am because she just found out some awful family news and couldn't get home to be with them. For a classmate it was when she received a failed mark back from an essay she worked ridiculously hard on for weeks.
For me, it was when I was sat thinking of ways that it could get any worse and struggling to find any reasons because everything bad that I could think of happening to me had already happened. It was when I was messaging my friend at 6pm because I felt really panicky but didn't have the courage to tell any of the 8 of my friends surrounding me that I felt this way. It was when I drunkenly cried for hours in my room and relapsed for the first time in months because I felt so defeated that I felt like I couldn't do anything but. It was when my parents saw in my eyes for the first time that I wasn't looking happy and they then proceeded to spend the next few weeks worrying about me like crazy because I was at university and they thought something was seriously wrong.
I knew I'd hit rock bottom because there was no further way down. The depression was an abyss and I was sat at the bottom, feeling sorry for myself and wondering how I could ever get myself out. I was stuck in what I thought was a never ending pit that turned out to actually have a bottom. And rock bottom isn't a great place to be. It's missing 3/5 of your weekly lectures because you are physically unable to get out of bed. It's missing out on social events because you need to be in your room and alone because you can't deal with the thought of seeing anyone. It's eating nothing or eating twice your daily needs.
It's dark. Cold. Numb. Emotional. Painful. Tiring. Lonely.
It's an array of feelings you feel normally anyway, just amplified to a deafening tune that you cannot rid of no matter your attempts.
But it's also a journey.
As you sit at rock bottom thinking that there is only one way out, you come to realise that you've come to this and you're still alive, so there must be a way out.
It's full of learning. Trial and error. Failure. Success. You learn things about yourself that you wouldn't have ever learnt unless you were currently sat at rock bottom wishing that you could fly back to the light.
Once you realise that there is a way out, you learn. You try one thing and fail, but it fuels you even more to get back to the top.
You make your first step above rock bottom.
The darkness still consumes you but now you have the ability to be fuelled by the thoughts of successfully climbing even a quarter of the way to the top because any distance is better than sitting at the bottom.
You continue to try.
You let out your emotions, you reach out for help. You realise that even though someone can't fall down to rock bottom to physically help you out, they can shout down advice and help to guide you to the beginning of a recovery.
You fall back down but this time you stand straight back up because you were this low before and you know now what to do to reach the top again. You aren't alone this time. Someone is there to lend a hand and you have the belief in yourself that you can do it. You know it's possible.
You climb higher.
Everyone climbs at different rates from when they reach rock bottom. It could take hours, days, months or years for different people but sooner or later the aid you need to climb will be there. Whether that's guidance, medication, CBT, a smile, any climbing aid will help you climb back up.
I climbed that much higher that I was okay with leaving the house again. I was okay with feeling anxious in public because I realised that I needed to feel this if I wanted recovery. I realised if I wanted recovery I had to talk to someone because it's so much easier to recover when you have someone there to encourage you that it'll be okay.
And yes, I fell.
I slipped up completely not long ago and found myself at the bottom again with worries that this time, I really won't be able to climb back up.
But it's a learning curve.
When you're at rock bottom you learn so much more about yourself and about life than when you're sat at the top looking down and thinking about how bad it would be to fall in.
When you're at the bottom you know it can't get darker, and that makes you stronger, somewhat happier and kits you up with the tools you need when you feel any sort of pain in your life. You don't fear the moment you might fall again if you're at the bottom.
And when you accept that you will be able to climb back up, it makes it easier. It makes any pain that bit easier to deal with. It makes you absolutely elated when you make that step up because it's progress you never thought you'd be able to make. Every fall and every climb progresses your ability to be able to cope with rock bottom.
It's all a journey. You realise that yes, everything may have been bad yesterday but you survived that storm, so you realise you can survive this one too.
Rock bottom isn't a nice place to be. But once you're there and accept that you need to start climbing back up, it can be one of the most rewarding battles you'll ever face.
Because when you reach your goal, whether that be a few steps up or back to the top, it'll be the best feeling in the world.
Rock bottom isn't the end.
It's only the beginning.
For my friend it was when she called me at 3am because she just found out some awful family news and couldn't get home to be with them. For a classmate it was when she received a failed mark back from an essay she worked ridiculously hard on for weeks.
For me, it was when I was sat thinking of ways that it could get any worse and struggling to find any reasons because everything bad that I could think of happening to me had already happened. It was when I was messaging my friend at 6pm because I felt really panicky but didn't have the courage to tell any of the 8 of my friends surrounding me that I felt this way. It was when I drunkenly cried for hours in my room and relapsed for the first time in months because I felt so defeated that I felt like I couldn't do anything but. It was when my parents saw in my eyes for the first time that I wasn't looking happy and they then proceeded to spend the next few weeks worrying about me like crazy because I was at university and they thought something was seriously wrong.
I knew I'd hit rock bottom because there was no further way down. The depression was an abyss and I was sat at the bottom, feeling sorry for myself and wondering how I could ever get myself out. I was stuck in what I thought was a never ending pit that turned out to actually have a bottom. And rock bottom isn't a great place to be. It's missing 3/5 of your weekly lectures because you are physically unable to get out of bed. It's missing out on social events because you need to be in your room and alone because you can't deal with the thought of seeing anyone. It's eating nothing or eating twice your daily needs.
It's dark. Cold. Numb. Emotional. Painful. Tiring. Lonely.
It's an array of feelings you feel normally anyway, just amplified to a deafening tune that you cannot rid of no matter your attempts.
But it's also a journey.
As you sit at rock bottom thinking that there is only one way out, you come to realise that you've come to this and you're still alive, so there must be a way out.
It's full of learning. Trial and error. Failure. Success. You learn things about yourself that you wouldn't have ever learnt unless you were currently sat at rock bottom wishing that you could fly back to the light.
Once you realise that there is a way out, you learn. You try one thing and fail, but it fuels you even more to get back to the top.
You make your first step above rock bottom.
The darkness still consumes you but now you have the ability to be fuelled by the thoughts of successfully climbing even a quarter of the way to the top because any distance is better than sitting at the bottom.
You continue to try.
You let out your emotions, you reach out for help. You realise that even though someone can't fall down to rock bottom to physically help you out, they can shout down advice and help to guide you to the beginning of a recovery.
You fall back down but this time you stand straight back up because you were this low before and you know now what to do to reach the top again. You aren't alone this time. Someone is there to lend a hand and you have the belief in yourself that you can do it. You know it's possible.
You climb higher.
Everyone climbs at different rates from when they reach rock bottom. It could take hours, days, months or years for different people but sooner or later the aid you need to climb will be there. Whether that's guidance, medication, CBT, a smile, any climbing aid will help you climb back up.
I climbed that much higher that I was okay with leaving the house again. I was okay with feeling anxious in public because I realised that I needed to feel this if I wanted recovery. I realised if I wanted recovery I had to talk to someone because it's so much easier to recover when you have someone there to encourage you that it'll be okay.
And yes, I fell.
I slipped up completely not long ago and found myself at the bottom again with worries that this time, I really won't be able to climb back up.
But it's a learning curve.
When you're at rock bottom you learn so much more about yourself and about life than when you're sat at the top looking down and thinking about how bad it would be to fall in.
When you're at the bottom you know it can't get darker, and that makes you stronger, somewhat happier and kits you up with the tools you need when you feel any sort of pain in your life. You don't fear the moment you might fall again if you're at the bottom.
And when you accept that you will be able to climb back up, it makes it easier. It makes any pain that bit easier to deal with. It makes you absolutely elated when you make that step up because it's progress you never thought you'd be able to make. Every fall and every climb progresses your ability to be able to cope with rock bottom.
It's all a journey. You realise that yes, everything may have been bad yesterday but you survived that storm, so you realise you can survive this one too.
Rock bottom isn't a nice place to be. But once you're there and accept that you need to start climbing back up, it can be one of the most rewarding battles you'll ever face.
Because when you reach your goal, whether that be a few steps up or back to the top, it'll be the best feeling in the world.
Rock bottom isn't the end.
It's only the beginning.
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