Something I have found really easy to do is fall into bad habits.
Bad habits.
Bad habits can be anything to anyone. Like going back to biting nails, or being too lazy to go jogging or smoking. They are so easy to go back to when you are really in need.
When things are going badly and you are having a rough time, its so easy to fall into bad habits. It's comforting. It's nice to fall back into something that gives some sort of relief, it acts as a reinforcer to carry on with the habit to give the same comfort, then the cycle starts again.
And the problem with this is that its very hard to break.
Mental health is a very strong example of a bad habit cycle.
Depression is an evil thing, in the way that it can drag you down so easily and so quickly that you soon turn to things you shouldn't be doing for a "quick fix" (if you will) of relief.
Whether this is habits in relation to eating, of self injury, or continuous thinking about something, it can cause so much more harm than your brain realises at that time.
Because these habits are so engrained into our minds and even our daily routine, we don't see the harm that than can cause. We only see the relief. We only see that in that moment of time, the habit in question will provide some sort of relief, comfort or even happiness that will calm us down and bring us back to reality.
Until it hits you what has happened.
Until you realise that you have gotten yourself into a cycle you had worked so hard to break yourself out of.
Until you start to think yourself as stupid and worthless and weak because you so easily gave in after putting in so much hard work before to stop yourself doing it.
Bad habits.
To me, bad habits are one of the biggest enemies a person can face. By beating a habit you are beating something that can be part of the reason you're this bad again, and you then can know you're winning half the battle.
But beating the habit is ridiculously hard. It's messy. It's full of being clean then relapse and times of depression and picking yourself up. Its a repeat of clean and relapse, clean and relapse. It's wishing you were someone else and wishing you were so much better at doing all of this and wondering why you arent a happy person who doesnt have to worry about the next time they will be happy and okay being too far away.
Bad habits however are beatable.
There will be a time where you win. You won't even know it's the last time it happens but it ultimately will be. Because bad habits don't win and relapse will stop and you will be okay. The thought of the bad habits will always be there but you will one day be strong enough to be able to move past it and do something better to channel the feelings.
Bad habits.
Nothing is worse than a bad habit. Don't keep falling into the trap.
They don't make it all okay. That's your job.
Tuesday 21 March 2017
Saturday 11 March 2017
An Open Letter To The Person Helping Me
Dear You, The Person Helping Me.
I want to thank you.
I want to thank you for being there for me when I couldn't be there for myself. I want to thank you for making me feel okay in times when I am far from it. I want to thank you for believing in me when I continually deny my worth to you and deny my worth as a human being.
I know it cannot be easy. I know that helping me must be draining, especially when you too are struggling with your own things. But you've stayed with me, and that means more to me than anything. You stayed through me crying my eyes out at 3am drunk, you've stayed with me as I scream and shout at you, you've stayed with me when I wanted to push you away. You stayed with me when I would look in the mirror and not recognise the person I was facing. You stayed with me at my worst and you stayed with me at my best.
I don't know if you realise how much you have helped me.
I don't know if you realise that asking me how I am on my darkest days makes me feel so loved, wanted and happy again. Or if you realise that talking to me on my worst days keeps me from doing things that I would later regret doing.
The way you would stay up for me to make sure I was safe. The way you would cover me when I wasn't myself and others noticed and the way you could sense when something had hurt me. The way you calmed my 3am panic attacks, my crying fits, my breakdowns. The way you acted as a shield to me when I was being attacked. The way you opened up to me and trusted me. The way you promised to keep my secrets secret and the way you supported any little thing I did. The way you acted to make sure I was okay made me feel so wanted in a world I feel lonely in and the way you acted made me strong enough to carry on fighting on days I wanted to give up.
I thank you for understanding that the person I act when I am at my worst is not the person I actually am. People have left me because they couldn't handle the person they believed me to be, but you stayed. You helped me fight and you kept me sane.
You took some of the pain away and took it for yourself, so that I could have an easier ride and for that I will always be thankful.
There are many times I thought, and will no doubt think in the future, that I can't do this anymore. That there is nothing more to life than darkness and that I will never see the light again. There are times that I lied to you, I took a joke too far, I screamed at you and hated you. There are times where I ignored you because my brain said you hated me and there are times I wished we weren't friends anymore because I couldn't stand your "clinging".
But you stayed, you fought, you held on. You held on to a sinking ship in hopes that you could fix it and raise it back up. When I was the worst friend in the world, you made sure you were continuing o be the best.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I treated you so badly when I needed you. I'm sorry that I cannot be myself all the time and I'm sorry I need to talk to you all the time when I'm feeling bad because you make all the negative feelings easier to cope with.
But at the same time, I thank you.
You stayed. You never gave up on me, even when I'm a lost cause.
And you continue to help me day in and day out, slowly turn back into the person I lost a long time ago.
You are the reason I am writing these words today, and I am eternally grateful.
I don't know if you realise that asking me how I am on my darkest days makes me feel so loved, wanted and happy again. Or if you realise that talking to me on my worst days keeps me from doing things that I would later regret doing.
The way you would stay up for me to make sure I was safe. The way you would cover me when I wasn't myself and others noticed and the way you could sense when something had hurt me. The way you calmed my 3am panic attacks, my crying fits, my breakdowns. The way you acted as a shield to me when I was being attacked. The way you opened up to me and trusted me. The way you promised to keep my secrets secret and the way you supported any little thing I did. The way you acted to make sure I was okay made me feel so wanted in a world I feel lonely in and the way you acted made me strong enough to carry on fighting on days I wanted to give up.
I thank you for understanding that the person I act when I am at my worst is not the person I actually am. People have left me because they couldn't handle the person they believed me to be, but you stayed. You helped me fight and you kept me sane.
You took some of the pain away and took it for yourself, so that I could have an easier ride and for that I will always be thankful.
There are many times I thought, and will no doubt think in the future, that I can't do this anymore. That there is nothing more to life than darkness and that I will never see the light again. There are times that I lied to you, I took a joke too far, I screamed at you and hated you. There are times where I ignored you because my brain said you hated me and there are times I wished we weren't friends anymore because I couldn't stand your "clinging".
But you stayed, you fought, you held on. You held on to a sinking ship in hopes that you could fix it and raise it back up. When I was the worst friend in the world, you made sure you were continuing o be the best.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I treated you so badly when I needed you. I'm sorry that I cannot be myself all the time and I'm sorry I need to talk to you all the time when I'm feeling bad because you make all the negative feelings easier to cope with.
But at the same time, I thank you.
You stayed. You never gave up on me, even when I'm a lost cause.
And you continue to help me day in and day out, slowly turn back into the person I lost a long time ago.
You are the reason I am writing these words today, and I am eternally grateful.
Wednesday 1 March 2017
Eating (EDAW 2017)
Battles of all kind involve a mental challenge and even though I myself have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, I know that this is strongly the case with ED's too.
But even though I do not have an ED, my relationship with food hasn't always been healthy.
Especially through my teenage years, I have struggled with my weight and have as a result struggled with my eating habits.
When I was younger, I used to comfort eat a worryingly large amount without seeing it as a real problem. But why would I? 11 year old me didn't see any issue with eating to make myself feel better because at the time I didn't know any better. I didn't know any better than locking myself in my room and eating to make myself feel okay.
My weight had always been an issue for me, and being an active person then and still now, my size has always been something I've been highly embarrassed of. Even though I hated my body, I would continue to binge eat and find myself into bars of chocolate, packets of crisps etc until I was feeling unwell from the amount of food I had been eating. Eating past the point of full, hidden away in my room.
I know that arguably, this itself wasn't an issue. So what I used to eat too much junk food? What kid at that age didn't?
It's only now looking back, when I start pairing it with how I was feeling at the time that I start to see it as an issue.
Especially during secondary school, I began to feel really down and low about my weight. I would eat and then feel absolutely guilty and absolutely hate myself but I couldn't control what I was eating because the thoughts and feelings I wanted to block out were getting worse and worse and made me feel like I needed to binge more and more.
The more I ate, the more I gained weight and the worse the comments would get. I was often made fun of because of my weight, and as I said, being a very active person who threw myself into sport, being seen as overweight was a thing that was highly mocked and laughed at, especially at that age. On many occasions, I was brought to tears because I couldn't handle the comments I was receiving. It all got worse and worse until I finally had enough of everything, which is when I fell quickly into a state of depression that even today I still find myself struggling to rise from.
This is when my eating habits became more unhealthy. When I would have days where I would eat either twice my usual amount or eat absolutely nothing at all. I would manage to avoid eating anything at school by taking in a packed lunch (which I wouldn't eat because I "ate a large breakfast" when really I ate nothing) and I would avoid eating at home by telling my parents I had already eaten because they trusted me enough to cook for myself at home. And the days where I would eat more than 'normal' I would eat a packed lunch and a cooked lunch at school, as well as eating 2 dinners at home and eating all the junk food i could get a hold of. This drastic shift with no in between made me constantly tired, moody and unwell to the point I was having days after days off school. And at this point, I was only 14.
Slowly but surely as I settled into my friendship group and the comments started to fade away, I managed to realise that my habits needed to change. Even though I was still battling with the lowness and the significant lack of self-confidence which still is there today, in a sense I was "lucky" in that I managed to be able to "fix" myself in time before it got any worse. I managed to somehow bring myself back together when I was heading towards a potentially life-threatening and changing eating disorder.
In the UK it is believed that over 725,000 people have an eating disorder of some kind.
Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder, with around 20% of those with anorexia losing their life due to the fatal impact on their physical health or suicide.
I am not an expert in information about eating disorders and I will never claim to be. I cannot sit here and say I really know that much information about them, except what I have witnesses through friends and classmates who have struggled with an eating disorder.
The effects I have seen absolutely terrify me.
It scares me how that the impact an eating disorder has on your weight (which to my understanding is a big factor in diagnosis and admissions) comes greatly after the mental aspect of any ED.
It scares me that there are people not receiving help who are in need of it because they aren't deemed "sick enough"
Eating disorders aren't always a physical manifestation. In the same way that depression, OCD, anxiety etc are mental health issues, all forms of eating disorder stem from a mental health issue.
They are complex problems. They cause distorted thinking, extreme lack of confidence, depression, suicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness and can lead to extreme physical problems that can cause life threatening complications even after "recovery".
They are real, serious issues that need to be accepted, addressed and intervened before the point of serious ill physical health for those who have an eating disorder.
It is important for people to understand eating disorders, so people can be there to help a friend, family member, colleague or stranger recover from their problem before it is too late.
But even though I do not have an ED, my relationship with food hasn't always been healthy.
Especially through my teenage years, I have struggled with my weight and have as a result struggled with my eating habits.
When I was younger, I used to comfort eat a worryingly large amount without seeing it as a real problem. But why would I? 11 year old me didn't see any issue with eating to make myself feel better because at the time I didn't know any better. I didn't know any better than locking myself in my room and eating to make myself feel okay.
My weight had always been an issue for me, and being an active person then and still now, my size has always been something I've been highly embarrassed of. Even though I hated my body, I would continue to binge eat and find myself into bars of chocolate, packets of crisps etc until I was feeling unwell from the amount of food I had been eating. Eating past the point of full, hidden away in my room.
I know that arguably, this itself wasn't an issue. So what I used to eat too much junk food? What kid at that age didn't?
It's only now looking back, when I start pairing it with how I was feeling at the time that I start to see it as an issue.
Especially during secondary school, I began to feel really down and low about my weight. I would eat and then feel absolutely guilty and absolutely hate myself but I couldn't control what I was eating because the thoughts and feelings I wanted to block out were getting worse and worse and made me feel like I needed to binge more and more.
The more I ate, the more I gained weight and the worse the comments would get. I was often made fun of because of my weight, and as I said, being a very active person who threw myself into sport, being seen as overweight was a thing that was highly mocked and laughed at, especially at that age. On many occasions, I was brought to tears because I couldn't handle the comments I was receiving. It all got worse and worse until I finally had enough of everything, which is when I fell quickly into a state of depression that even today I still find myself struggling to rise from.
This is when my eating habits became more unhealthy. When I would have days where I would eat either twice my usual amount or eat absolutely nothing at all. I would manage to avoid eating anything at school by taking in a packed lunch (which I wouldn't eat because I "ate a large breakfast" when really I ate nothing) and I would avoid eating at home by telling my parents I had already eaten because they trusted me enough to cook for myself at home. And the days where I would eat more than 'normal' I would eat a packed lunch and a cooked lunch at school, as well as eating 2 dinners at home and eating all the junk food i could get a hold of. This drastic shift with no in between made me constantly tired, moody and unwell to the point I was having days after days off school. And at this point, I was only 14.
Slowly but surely as I settled into my friendship group and the comments started to fade away, I managed to realise that my habits needed to change. Even though I was still battling with the lowness and the significant lack of self-confidence which still is there today, in a sense I was "lucky" in that I managed to be able to "fix" myself in time before it got any worse. I managed to somehow bring myself back together when I was heading towards a potentially life-threatening and changing eating disorder.
In the UK it is believed that over 725,000 people have an eating disorder of some kind.
Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder, with around 20% of those with anorexia losing their life due to the fatal impact on their physical health or suicide.
I am not an expert in information about eating disorders and I will never claim to be. I cannot sit here and say I really know that much information about them, except what I have witnesses through friends and classmates who have struggled with an eating disorder.
The effects I have seen absolutely terrify me.
It scares me how that the impact an eating disorder has on your weight (which to my understanding is a big factor in diagnosis and admissions) comes greatly after the mental aspect of any ED.
It scares me that there are people not receiving help who are in need of it because they aren't deemed "sick enough"
Eating disorders aren't always a physical manifestation. In the same way that depression, OCD, anxiety etc are mental health issues, all forms of eating disorder stem from a mental health issue.
They are complex problems. They cause distorted thinking, extreme lack of confidence, depression, suicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness and can lead to extreme physical problems that can cause life threatening complications even after "recovery".
They are real, serious issues that need to be accepted, addressed and intervened before the point of serious ill physical health for those who have an eating disorder.
It is important for people to understand eating disorders, so people can be there to help a friend, family member, colleague or stranger recover from their problem before it is too late.
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