On Recovery

Taking the step towards recovery is one of the biggest steps you'll ever take. It takes alot to decide that you're going to do whatever it takes to get better. It takes alot to come clean and say you need help. And many people attribute this to needing to recover for a loved one.

Recovery should be for yourself. 

Yes, people will benefit from you getting better. Your kids may live better lives, your mum may not spend her days worrying about you and your best friend will get to remember the friend you used to be.

But you need to recover for yourself.

Not for your family, not for your friends. Not for your partner and not for your colleagues. Not for the customer you served today and not for the people you pass in the street. Not for the author of the article that pushed you towards recovery or for your favourite singer or band. Not for the therapist who is aiding your recovery.

Recover for yourself. Recover for the 7 year old you who always dreamed of growing up a famous singer or dancer or footballer. Recover for the you who worked hard to get all the grades they needed to eventually get their dream degree or job. Recover for the you who smashed all the interviews they went to for work. Recover for the you in 10 years time, who will look back on this and be happy they survived. 

Recover so you can wake up happy and are excited to start the day. Recover so you can do the basic things you could once do easily. Recover so you can sleep at night and actually want to wake up the next morning. Recover so you can take that step closer to loving yourself and loving life.

Recover so you can breathe again. Recover so you can see your future in a positive way, instead of quietly hoping that your future doesn't exist. Recover for your health and well being. Recover so you can help other people get better too.

Recover so you don't have to lie to yourself every morning when getting ready for the day. Recover so you can feel comfortable in your clothes and in your skin. Recover so you don't feel the need to cover up all the time to hide things and recover so you accept the person you are. Recover so you don't feel guilty every time you say you're okay, when inside you feel like crumbling.

It won't be easy.

You won't just wake up tomorrow a completely better person, whether this be in relation to eating disorders, anxiety, depression or addiction. You won't suddenly be a happier, healthier person. You don't have "transformed" overnight from one simple choice. The voices won't just stop. No recovery from any mental health problem will be easy.

You'll have to fight with yourself alot. You'll have to rely on others to help you through situations that a recovered you will soon be able to do yourself. You'll have bad days. You'll have them alot. You'll continuously have mood swings and really low moments. But this time you'll fight it off. You'll eat the apple, you'll get out of bed. You'll refrain from hurting yourself and you'll refrain from breaking down. You'll do it, be proud of yourself for staying strong. The next day, you'll have the same arguments with yourself, and you'll fight it off again.

You'll relapse. You'll think you're back to where you're started from, when reality you're further towards recovery than you ever were before.

But soon, it'll get easier. Bad days get far and few between. You'll find it easier to beat the bad days, you'll find it easier to block the negative you out.

We are comfortable with familiarity, so the idea of relapsing back into your old self is tempting, but once you become familiar with a happier, healthier you, then it'll be so much easier to be the person you want to be.

Continue to fight when it seems pointless and continue to fight when you don't feel like fighting anymore. Continue to battle when you feel like you've lost the war and when people are telling you it isn't worth it.

Recover.

There is nothing better than getting better. You need to get better.

Recover for yourself, open a new chapter and no matter how much you fall just keep getting back up again.

I promise you, it will all be worth it.

You, My Mental Health

You lock me up with shackles on my wrist, and when I think I've freed myself, you lock me back up again.

My mental health, you won't leave me alone. It's like you're a heavy weight strapped around me that I have to pull around everywhere I go.

When I look in the mirror I don't see me. I see an act, a mask I hide behind because the depression gives me a face I do not recognise or want to see.

You have told me I'm this broken person, a lesser human being who doesn't deserve the world. We have a toxic relationship I cannot free myself from, because you always find your way back.

You are every overused metaphor about the feeling of drowning, all combined together and living inside me.

You pick out the flaws inside and out, reminding me of every last detail I hate, forgetting all the qualities I have.

I'm like an old doll, once loved now thrown away, left there to rot day after day Like a balloon released into the sky, who would continue to do nothing until I'm way too high.

And you grab me tight and pull me around, it hurts from my head all the way to the ground, as you slowly shape me into something I will not recognise.

You plague my thoughts all the time, like what if me walking here is actually a crime? What if the words I said to my friend 3 years past, are still in her mind and forever will last?

I cannot go to a doctor or talk on the phone, my anxiety prevents me from doing anything alone. I cannot leave the house without a fear that I'm being judged and it brings me to tears.

You bring me tears when I try to sleep at night and I grip onto my hair and I pull it so tight, because it hurts less to do so than listen to your voice playing in my head. Every time it plays it brings me dread and I feel like I'm being stabbed with pieces of lead as my face loses colour and I forget words once said.

You bring me to tears as I neck down some booze, thinking I have nothing else to lose. As I drink another glass of wine and think back to a time where I was happy, smiling and free and a person I want to be.

You, my mental health, bring me misery. You are why I can't conquer the world, I fall at first chance. I feel like the world has just stopped and I'm stuck in a trance.

As I lie awake at night, anxiety at it's height, wondering when I will once again get a good nights sleep, before thinking of thoughts that are ever so deep.

Like what would it be like if I wasn't alive? Would everyone prosper, be happy and thrive?

Or would the sky remain grey with easy passing day? Would the stars still shine? Would you see light of day? Would your mind stay clear, even though I turned you away? I always wonder, would you be okay?

Would you be okay if I told you now, would you listen to me or would you raise a brow? If I told you I was unhappy, what would you do? Would you tell me you love me or want to start anew? Would you stay or would you leave? Would you hate me forever because you cannot believe.

Dear my mental health, I blame you for this. I cannot mend myself with one simple kiss.

Please release the chains, they're ruining my inside, please leave me alone I am too tired to hide. I'm too tired to fight your intruding thoughts, I'll instead sit here with the one you brought.

All the lies running round inside my head, as I lay up all night crying in bed.

What did I do to deserve a brain that hates me? A brain that wants to constantly battle and let evil thoughts run free?

You may seem stronger mental health, but be aware I can fight too, the only loser here will be you. One day I will win, this I know. I'm already getting better, and one day you will leave my mind. So hopefully soon I will find some happiness and love, of myself and of my life.

On The Importance of Bo Burnham's Comedic Genius

"Being a comedian isn't being an insensitive prick capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public, it's being a hero!"


Comedy is a wonderful way for both the listener and performer to express emotions and "escape" for however long the show in question is. It is a wonderful way of expressing ideas in an engaging manner that allows individuality and freedom of an artist. It is also a way to express opinions about the depressing world we live in, in a way deemed acceptable by many, and it is a way to reflect on the society we are currently in whilst laughing and joking with others.

I remember the exact moment I first listened to Bo Burnham. After a fire at our university (long story, #foundersfire) one of my best friends on my course was staying in my accommodation whilst hers was closed off due to the blaze. We had a wonderful conversation around the youtube, comedy and music we liked, which is when she told me I had to listen to Bo. We then for a few hours proceeded to listen to his songs on youtube. At first listen, I thought he was cool. I wasn't overly paying attention to the music I must admit, it had been a long day and I was rather tired and thinking about waking up at 7am the next morning. But I enjoyed what I was listening to. It wasn't until a few days later however, when I was listening to his material on my own that I realised how insanely amazing it was.

Bo is a, what I like to call, "musical comedian", where the majority of his comedy comes in the form of songs, skits and music/theatric related pieces. I had always been a fan of the combination of music and comedy, so once I had really started listening to Bo, I was awe struck.

Many comedians now-a-days just focus on events that happen in their daily lives, that none of us will ever probably experience, or stories that probably aren't even true or silly little make up puns. Not that this is a problem, obviously. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for comedy in all forms and even the worst joke usually gets me laughing until I'm crying.

But Bo is different. His shows are precisely constructed over a long period of time and then performed in a one hour time slot. He thinks very precisely about every movement, every note, every word and every light that the show entails and makes his overly-practised shows seem like they're spontaneous as far as he can.

The main reason however, that Bo in my eyes is such a wonderful comedian, is his content of music.

As many of you may know, I am one for mental health, sexuality, gender identity, equality etc. I am constantly advocating my views for these on social media, to my friends, around university etc and I am very passionate about topics such as this.

It is topics like this, that Bo includes in such a wonderful way that has made me love his comedy.

It is extremely difficult to find a balance between serious and calm in terms of these topics, but Bo does it near perfectly. In the majority of his best songs, he incorporates a message or advocation somewhere, whether it is the songs main focus or a line or two in the song.


His songs are catchy, interesting, different and so real. He touches upon such a vast array of topics that you never would really think about until heard. Bo has a way with words that I haven't seen in any musician to date. His voice incorporates an unserious tone, making the most serious of songs feel more lighthearted like they were made to be. And his talent in all these ways shows, with him being the youngest comedian to have a comedy special on Comedy Central (at aged 18). He is open about a love-hate relationship with the internet and life in general, not being afraid to call out problems with the world, especially with celebrity culture. In his song "Straight White Male", he touches on the issue of how the world is hard if you are a woman, a person of colour, LGBT etc in a very clever way. By highlighting his joke, petty issues like getting spam emails not marked at spam, compared to women wanting rights, LGBT+ wanting kids etc, he brings to life actually how "easy" life is for certain people, compared to out-groups who are still fighting for rights they should've been granted long ago.

Bo Burnham to me, is something in entertainment I had wanted to find for a long time. He is real, honest and not afraid to say anything he feels on stage. He says things that many of us are afraid to say aloud, especially when it comes to the topic of social media and the impact it has had on the world. His comments on social media, whether that be in interviews or in his performances, highlight the world we have been sucked into, where everything online seems better than it does in real life. Or how we rely on others to make us feel loved. A prime example of this is "Repeat Stuff", a dig at modern pop music and it's blatant copy and paste of each song, with a few different lyrics and tunes. "cashing in on puberty and low self esteem and girls desperate need to feel love" is a perfect example spilling the truth on pop music. I'll even admit myself, my main One Direction fangirl days revolved around me needing to feel like someone "cared" about me, and that's what their music did (still does not even sorry) to me.

An aspect I love is how he talks about not fitting the person he wanted to be. An almost encore to Make Happy, shows this in its entirety. "hey look ma I made it, are you happy?" and "you're everything you hated, are you happy?" show that happiness doesn't come from fame, from pleasing others. It comes from being what you want to be.

But, what I believe to be the most important factor in his shows, is his messages throughout, whether hidden or straight out. Even though the majority of his skits and songs (actually, probably all of them) contain a message, his words, phrases and actions throughout the performance itself, portray Bo's feelings itself, whether intentional or not. In "Make Happy", he contains a short segment before the finale, expressing his opinions in a no lights, actual talk with the audience, inadvertently trying to persuade them to live their life without the judgement of others. He acknowledges his role as a comedian, leaving Make Happy's ending with the bittersweet line "I hope you're happy", arguably referring to the fact that he knows his job is to make others happy, even if its at the cost of his own happiness. His performance has different metaphors that lead to different interpretations, meaning it is arguably different for all, an aspect I also love about his shows.

In the finale to the "Make Happy" special, Bo "mimics" a rant by Kayne West to reflect his own life. Within the 7 minute song "Can't Handle This", Bo portrays the metaphor of struggling to fit into the mold of what he wants to be, and constantly being overwhelmed almost at this prospect (or at least that's how I interpret it), shown through a "silly" metaphor of Pringle Cans and Burritos, "I can't fit my hand inside of a Pringle Can" / "I wouldn't have got half this shit if I knew it wasn't gonna fit in the burrito". Emphasising the metaphor, Bo emphasises that he wouldn't have gotten into his career if he knew how his health would've been impacted. Further on in the song, he almost argues with himself, singing "I want to please you, but I want to stay true to myself. I want to give you the night out that you deserve, but I want to say what I think, and not care what you think about it", publically saying that he wants to be his own comedian, but also wants to please his fans.

In the same song, my favourite Bo lyrics of them all. "I don't think I can handle this right now. Look at them their just staring at me like come and watch the skinny kid with a steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself." By diving more up front into his personal issues, Bo straight up says what performing is doing to him. What it is to him. As a comedian, his daily involves making people happy. People (me included) pay to see him and other comedians as escapism and a way of feeling happy. It is obvious this would take its toll on anyone, but you never really think of a comedian feeling sad or experiencing mental health difficulty, which they do.

His finale in "what." also conveys a wonderfully powerful message. "We Think We Know You" comes from the perspective of people judging him without really knowing him. The song even starts with three "people" (prerecorded voices" right out speaking to him and making judgements of who he is "it's cause you're an arrogant prick". The song is a performance in itself, carefully constructed and acted to make a masterpiece worthy of ending a performance of a lifetime (seriously, watch the damn thing.)

Also, wanting to give a mention to Left Brain, Right Brain (I'm a psychology student, pls), From God's Perspective, #Deep, Sad and Lower Your Expectations, for all once again, being masterpieces in their own right. But the final piece I want to touch upon is one from his "Words Words Words", the first special he aired (Comedy Central ftw), ART IS DEAD.

Art is Dead is not meant as a comedy piece. It is a short, fast paced song that highlights what it actually is to be an artist. At the time of this, Bo was 18, so lyrically, the song is perfect to what Bo would have been when writing. He would've been rather new in the comedy field at this point, thus highlights the whole "comedian" thing that someone would dream, the money, the attention.
He constantly refers to money in this piece "some people think your funny, how do we get these peoples money" / "the show has got a budget, and all of the poor people way more deserving of the money won't budge it, because I wanted my name in lights, when I could have fed a family of four for fourty fucking fortnights", and arguably portraying how unfair society is in the way that people are willing to spend millions on a show, when there are many people homeless and impoverished in society. My favourite line of the song comes in the form of "my drugs attention, I am an addict, but I get paid to indulge in my habit." Many people have bad habits that keep them feeling somewhat okay, whether this be drugs, alcohol and more. But Bo highlights how he is encouraged to partake in his addiction, by writing specials.

Bo Burnham is a genius. I said it. His words have genuinely changed how I view the world (urgh that's sappy). Even though I knew people aren't always as happy as they seem, it to me, highlights that even famous people feel this way. Bo has opinions, and unlike others he chooses to express them. As time passes, his songs contain more real world and mental health metaphors, showing his decline in health as he carries on. But his songs to me mean so much more, in ways I cannot really describe. I constantly am listening to them and singing along, because I feel the things he portrays. It just clicks and sits right with me.

And even though in his song "Kill Yourself", he highlights how you shouldn't rely on celebrities to make you feel happy and that one song can't fix everything, his music does to me. He does to me. He makes me feel better than I have done in a long time, because of his personality, his words, his honesty and his presence. His focus on mental health "suicide is an epidemic and I don't wanna be misconstrued, signs of depression go overlooked, so if you're depressed then you need to book a therapy session", world hate "who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn't be a dick", and LGBT+ "wears a cape made out of a rainbow flag" (+ straight white male), is something that is SO important to me and has really helped my recovery from depression and anxiety.

Bo Burnham is important.

I love you Bo (well the idea of you) and I hope you're happy.


"you're everything you hated, are you happy?"

///\\\

Watch Bo's Comedy Specials "what." and "Make Happy" on Netflix, it's worth it.
You can also listen to him on Spotify: https://play.spotify.com/artist/2Waw2sSbqvAwK8NwACNjVo?play=true&utm_source=open.spotify.com&utm_medium=open

Twitter: https://twitter.com/boburnham

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/boburnham (or type his name in)

The Importance of Self Care in Exam Season

Exam season.

The time where students across the country spend a few months revising until 3am, completing past papers like their life depends on it and worrying that they're going to fail and ruin their entire lives because they didn't know the middle name of Henry VII's cat or how to work out the angle of X in a quadrilateral with no further information.

Whether SAT, GCSE, A/AS Level or Uni level exams, it is a horrible, stressful and tiring time for all. Whether you are worried about scraping the C in maths and English, or worried that you won't get the needed many A*'s to get into Oxford, all the overwhelming pressure on exams leads to a few months of hell for students.

I for one, know this feeling well. Studying for 10 hours a day, constantly pestering teachers and friends for help, being put down by the past paper you a U in when your exams in 2 weeks (yes, I'm indirecting you GCSE Additional Maths). I also find myself struggling to sleep, feeling so tired and lethargic that the stress makes me ill and even eating an unhealthy amount less than normal, when really I should be eating more. Feeling bad for getting up to speak to your mum for 5 minutes because its 5 minutes less you'd been revising. Getting stressed trying to decide what needs revising first. The actual revising, then realising you literally remember nothing of what you wrote down 20 seconds ago.

Exam season for me, is one that is bad for my mental health, naturally. The added stress and panic means a complete increase in levels of anxiety that, especially for my AS levels, led to too many panic attacks and breakdowns.

For me, my best simply isn't good enough. My 196/200 UMS in AS Psychology wasn't good enough. Why didn't I get the full 200? Obviously I was over the moon with my grade, but I know for me and many others that anything we do and whatever we get isn't good enough. There is always something telling you that you could have done better, whether this be your parents, friends, classmates, your dream university or yourself. This is the problem with exams. Doing your best isn't enough. You have the whole stress of having to relearn a years content, knowing the structure of writing an essay, the actual build up the exam day, sitting in an exam hall in silence not knowing what will come up and then the discussions afterwards. If that isn't bad enough (with the added anxiety of spending 2 months thinking about your results, then results day itself), you always have someone who's done better than you, someone who is upset you didn't do better, even though you did all you could.

Exam season is full of anxiety. It is full of anger and demotivation and stress to the point that during the last few exam seasons I've had, I've been at the worst mentally I had for a while.

This is why I find it especially important to be making sure that you take care of yourself during exam season.

For many years I put my grades before my health, both mental and physical. I know I did. I looked more tired each day that passed, I was noticeably losing weight, I was really really ill and any progress in terms of recovery I had made were ruined in this time, because I was so stressed, anxious and sad that I couldn't carry on trying to recover as well.

This year, it's going to be different.

Because when you start stressing because of exams to the point your health is poor, you start stressing even more which leads to your health getting worse.

And it does get to a time where you have to stop, accept you're doing as much as you can do and breathe.

Breathe.

Take one second to think about how far you've come. You've gotten through the year of hard work like you've got through every other. The fact you are even doing these exams is wonderful and an amazing place to be.

You learn better when you are healthy, calm and mentally okay. You may feel guilty by taking an hour or a day out of revising, but by giving yourself this break you are allowing your brain to rest so you don't overload yourself on information and tire yourself out.

You need to do the things you love to do on a normal basis, even though circumstances are different.
Want to go on a night out? Go, let off some steam. Want to meet up with a friend? Go on a day trip? Sleep all day? Read? Do it. Do everything you love and everything you do that makes you feel happy to make sure you are staying calm in the most stressful part of the year.

Make sure you continue to look after yourself. Make sure you're getting the right amount of sleep, eating well, showering, exercising and drinking water. A healthy body leads to a healthy mind, which helps you learn and helps with exams in itself.

Make sure you are organised as well, you don't want to realise the day before your exam that you don't know the room or you don't have the right equipment. Take plenty of breaks when studying, to refresh your brain and stay awake. Make a revision timetable. Plan studying around when you work best and avoid any bad habits, like staying away from goals.

Remember, you can only do your best.

I know that's a phrase that you are constantly hounded with, even I find it hard to accept. We are all socialised to believe we can do more, we can get a better grade, but realistically we cannot give 100% all the time. We physically cannot always be working to our optimal and that is okay. Do the best that you can physically do, taking in the circumstances. If that means doing 2 hours of work, then that is okay. And by setting realistic goals, it is much easier to do that. Whether this be during revision or grades for certain exams, make sure you aren't going to be significantly disheartened because you couldn't get a top mark, when realistically in a certain subject you struggled in, your best mark may seen average.

If you are extremely worried about exams, don't be afraid to talk to someone, whether this be a friend, school councillor or a friend. It can help to get your feelings out.

And put it all into perspective.

One bad grade won't ruin your life.

Because you didn't get a high grade in one exam of the many you have taken and will take in your lifetime, it doesn't mean your life is over. One bad grade won't get you kicked out a school/college/uni. If you miss grades to get into a uni, it isn't the end of the world. Wherever you end up you will have fun and learn.

Exam success doesn't define you. A grade doesn't define you. Because you couldn't pass GCSE maths, doesn't mean you are a failure and that you aren't smart. People are good at different things and just because theres something you can't do, that doesn't make you an idiot. Your talents are what you should focus on. Maybe you are a fantastic painter. A top athlete. A singer. Maybe you can't do English but you are a science whizz. The things we forget is that we can't be good at everything. But we can excel in a few things. Employers won't care about your grade if you aren't going into a relevant field. And they'll also care about you as a person, don't forget that.

And once an exam is over, you cannot do anything about it.

You've come this far and you're doing great. Keep it up. Look after yourself.

Don't stress too much about a one hour exam that won't matter in a few years time when you are doing bigger and better things.