Let's Talk About Mental Health (pt 2)

Mental health will always be an important thing to talk about. There is never a time where it isn't important to talk about it. Whether this is talking about your own health, informing others about mental health or telling people that it's okay to talk about it, any form of talking about mental health is important in breaking the stigma of mental health.

So that's what I'm going to do now.

When mental health first became a problem for me, I had no clue what it even was. It sounds utterly ridiculous, but I never really knew the words depression, anxiety or mental health until I was around 14/15, when really I'd been experiencing these since I was as young as 10/11.

This is what I want to talk about today.

I want to talk about the fact that I didn't understand anything about suicide when I was an 11 year old feeling suicidal. I didn't realise it was even really a thing. I didn't know anything about it, I didn't even know the word. All I knew is that for a while, I wanted it to end.

I want to talk about the fact that when I was in school (from the age of around 9/10) the thought of doing anything wrong gave me unbearably crippling panic and the fact that I wouldn't realise this was due to anxiety until a few years ago.

I want to talk about the fact that the only thing I knew about self harm was opinions of people who said "it helped" until it was too late.

I want to talk about the fact that I had ridiculously unhealthy eaten habits and food mind frame when I was in secondary school, but I knew absolutely nothing about eating disorders at the time.

I want to talk about children and mental health. About the fact that 1 in 20 young children will experience a mental health problem and the fact that many mental health problems start before the age of 14. About the fact that growing up, I had absolutely no knowledge about mental health. I knew nothing. And I'm sure if I knew nothing then other people out there knew or know nothing too.

We are slowly bringing light to talking about mental health, but it still isn't enough. You constantly hear in the news about children ending their lives due to bullying, school pressure, feeling worthless etc.  This needs to change.

When I was younger I saw no way out. I didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone because I didn't really know that something was ever wrong, because no one had said otherwise. I know it sounds stupid, feeling suicidal at 11 and not understand how serious it is. But it happens. It is real and happening both in and out of the public eye.

To me, this is the most important reason we need to talk about mental health. So people out there understand that these feelings aren't normal, not everyone feels them and that there is a support network.

Because here I am at 19, my mental health still in a pretty rough state after all these years.

Giving children a childhood they enjoy is the least they deserve.

Let everyone know it's okay to talk. Love everyone you meet. Be kind, always.

The Year.

A year ago today was probably the hardest day of my life.

The last year, following suit, has been a very damn hard year.

How it's already been a year since you passed away has managed to amaze me. It's been a weird combination of the quickest but slowest year of my life and I don't think I am dealing with it well yet, but at the same time it's something I've gradually accepted.

Losing someone you love isn't easy but you were the first person I have ever lost and one of the last people I expected to go.

It all still feels like a cruel dream. I expect to see you and still get confused as to why I don't. I hear your voice constantly and it still feels like you're here even though it's been a year.

I wish you were still around so I could tell you I loved you as even though I knew, I definitely didn't tell you enough. I wish we could sit and play video games all the time and I wish I could still mock Liverpool losing as I came to see you on my lunch break. Nothing is the same without you.

And there's nothing anyone can do. That's the issue. We can't just change or do something to make any of this easier because the only way it would be easier is if you were still alive, and if we could do that we wouldn't be in this situation.

The last year has been a rollercoaster. The stability of my mental health has been next-to-none, with waves of not being able to cope and waves of feeling like everything is okay again. I've spent the year pretending that I had come to terms with your loss, when really I was a hopeless mess who still cannot believe that any of this is real.

The sad thing is that it is real. I will never hear your voice again or see your face again. I will never be able to do any of the things we loved to do together. I didn't just lose an uncle. I lost the person I absolutely looked up to for most of my life. I lost the person that I felt like I could be myself around. I lost the person I felt most comfortable around. I lost a friend. I lost someone I wanted to be around all the time. I lost an irreplaceable figure in my life.

People often say that grief gets easier to deal with. They're liars. It becomes less of a thing that eats you away because you learn to live with it, you learn to cope. Losing someone never is easy. It never gets easier to deal with. Here I am a year later, feeling the same feelings I felt this time last year.

I will live everyday missing you. It gives us some comfort that you aren't living in pain anymore. I just really hope we're all doing you proud. I hope you're sleeping tight.